Moonlight Mirage

Hey, nimy29! Hello and happy review day from the Papyrus team! And welcome to the site since I see you're new!

First off, I really loved this poem. It's not everyday on YWS when you see a poem that capitalizes the first word in every stanza and uses correct grammar and punctuation. Most people care more for the modern day poetry here, but I'm one of those people who likes an older more sophisticated form of poetry. The rhyme was absolutely splendid as well, and not only was the flow very smooth, but the poem was longer and elaborated on the subject! But enough praise, I must get on with the review now!

Under the world's collisions,

Free from grueling decision.

“souls growing heavy for another,”

What a happy fortune we have each other,

But in truth I can’t love thee.

I love your company.

You will endlessly call yourself a fool

But as truth hides deep someone else was cruel

One of the cruelest cruelty a human could do,

Is give the false words of I love you.

Too the stars it must seem so dull.

For days and months I would mull.

Under the stars is where we meet,

past and future we delete.

Yo!

So my biggest qualm with this is the forced nature of the rhyme scheme, which leads to content that can be nonsensical. So I am curious as to whether you went from rhyme first > content second, or content first > rhyme second. This makes a large difference in poetry as content should always take precedence over mechanics like rhyme and meter, and should never be abused for their sake.

Secondly, this piece is mostly robbed of cohesive imagery, and that's really what led me into believing that the rhyme mechanic guided your decision to write the content. You don't really present much imagery for the reader to latch onto, so it's just not a piece I enjoyed reading, which is a major factor, all things considered.

I think if you experiment with these things, you can majorly improve the quality of the piece for your readers, and yourself.

Hope this helps,
Lumi

Legacy here for a review.


I love the message you have here. But there were some small spots within the poem where the wording was off in my opinion.

"One of the cruelest cruelty a human could do,"

To make this line easier to understand, "cruelest cruelty" would have to change to "cruelest cruelties" because of there being more than one cruelty a human can do, or changing it to other wording entirely (which is what I recommend).


Another place where the way you placed the words was a little off was here with

"Is give the false words of I love you."

For this spot, you forgot to put I love you in quotes which you need in this situation because someone is saying those words.


The last place where I had a hard time understanding is

"Too the stars it must seem so dull.
For days and months I would mull."

This set of lines set off the meter of how this poem is read. I would recommend a slightly different wording such as "Too the stars, they seem so dull. For days and months I will mull."


Other than that, beautiful poem with beautiful imagery. I loved this a lot, had an important message too.

Hey! Pentavalence here with a review.

This poem was lovely--the rhyme and meter connected perfectly. The slightly outdated "thee" worked well, which was a surprise (we all want to sound sophisticated, but it often ends up sounding stilted or fake. I'm guilty of it too :/)

There's just a couple things I'd fix:

The third stanza was definitely the weakest.

"But as truth hides deep someone else was cruel//One of the cruelest cruelty a human could do," repeats the word cruel three times. Maybe in the second line it's for effect, but I still think you could be better off with just using it once.

"Too the stars it must seem so dull.

For days and months I would mull."

These lines were short and choppy compared to the rest of the poem. I love their meaning but the phrasing is off. Also, maybe switch it to months and days? I don't know.


Also: “souls growing heavy for another,” Why are there quotation marks? Who is speaking? Was it just a typo?

Still, holistically, this was brilliant.
-Pen

Hello, nimy, and welcome!

First off, I absolutely loved this. You have a fine way with words, especially in that old Shakespearean type voice. Congratulations on managing to use "thee" without seeming pretentious. That's a hard thing to achieve.

Also, I'm a sucker for repeating themes/lines/phrases and I'm in love with the opening and ending of this poem. Very well done, love. It's clear the control you have over your own dictation.

There were, however, a few stumbling points in your flow. The third stanza seems shakier and not as clean as the others. It was there that I had to pause and re-read a couple of times. Mainly it was this group of lines that threw off the balance for me a bit:

“souls growing heavy for another,”

Is give the false words of I love you.