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The Natives Chapter 1

by nightshadows

So at the moment I am running for my life from dragons wondering how my life decisions led up to this moment. There was no turning back now. I held on tight to my satchels straps and jumped. As I felt my body plummeting off the four hundred foot cliff side I reckoned… I went wrong somewhere.

Chapter 1

“Mornin Miss” Evangeline knocked on my door, then knocked again… and again.

“It’s too early to be alive” I slammed my head back into my pillow aggressively, to prove my point. Evangeline opened the door anyway and wrinkled her nose and the smell of my room.

“Did an Flarecharm die here?” She said teasingly and gagged.

“I don’t know, maybe one did. But you have no evidence” I refused to lift my head so instead I spoke through my pillow, my voice muffled by the thick feathers.

“The Natives are meeting today, all of the tribes are coming to the Laurel” she said as she kept her fingers tightly clenched around her nose and picked up some of my clothes looking for the cause of the horrid smell.

“Well I am pretty sure if I like… lets see… Ah ha! If I faked my death then I wouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense. How does that sound Evangeline? The royal heir to Ethers tragic death. I like the spark to it” I sat up and took a deep breath of air and exhaled, just to mess with her. And my plan worked perfectly, Evangeline turned a ghostly pale and ran out the room. Her outburst was met with the noise of vomit. Mission accomplished.

“You should have put up with Evangeline. Now you have to take on the Mighty Brutus” I heard a thundering boom come from the voice. Large footsteps followed them and then there he was. Brutus, the skinniest boy in all of the Natives. He held his hands to his mouth making his best macho impression and stomped his feet vigorously onto the diamond floor.

“Brutus” I inquired.

“Yes your majesty?” he asked and bowed.

“Go eat something” I got out of bed and lifted him up into the air. “We need to fatten you up like a manolo on holiday” he giggled and I put him down.

Brutus was about eight years old, and since I have no other siblings he was the closest thing I could get to a little brother.

“Brutus! Brutus, where’d you go?” I could hear Leo’s voice from here. And there he was, my best friend. He was around nineteen years of age and the head of the royal guard's son. Which was probably the only reason I was allowed to speak to him.

“Well Brutus I believe we have come to a conclusion” I chuckled and yawed as I rubbed my eyes.

“And what might that be?” Leo asked as he took Brutus' hand.

“You can always hear Leo before you can see Leo” I burst out laughing and so did Brutus, while Leo stood there his cheeks flushed a hot red.

“Lets go Brutus come on, we have to get ready for the ceremony,” Leo pleaded.

“And why do I have to go” Brutus stuck out his lip, crossed out his arms, and dropped to the ground sitting in a mocking posture.

“Because then a Thorica might just come and swallow you up with all its razor sharp teeth and acid venom” Leo imitated the beast, hissing and acting like a complete fool.

Brutus looked scared and his pupils widened, “Maybe... we-we should go get changed”

I laughed and both Leo and Brutus waved goodbye in unison, leaving me alone in my room.

I walked to the large window across the space of my chamber that was embellished with moonstones so whenever the light hit the gems they spread rainbows across my room. I grabbed hold to the thick curtains and yanked them back. Instantly sunshine burned my eyes but that wasn’t all that bad once you saw the city. Ether was a gleaming work of art, which coincidentally was also floating hundreds of feet of the ground. The whole city was in my view, almost like I controlled it just by sight.

“Miss Rosanna please do get ready for the ceremony” I heard Evangeline plead with me from the other side of the door.

“Okay Evangeline….thanks” I whispered.

I turned my head and there it was. The dress. The lavender colored silk ballgown that was trimmed with lace on each of the ruffles of fabric stared back at me.

There was a small knock on the door and in a matter of seconds there were seven ladies in my room trying to shove me into the darn gown.

“Corset please” Chirped one with her purple hair tied up in a bun.

“Get her some makeup please she looks like a Evergreen for goodness sake”

“Where are the shoes! The shoes! WHERE ARE THEY!” one nervously squealed as she dropped to her knees looking for the so called shoes.

About three hours later of hair pulling, corset tightening, and eyebrow plucking the ladies were satisfied. They left, leaving me to stare myself down in the crystal mirror.

I was beautiful? Well even if I was...I didn’t like it. The dress was too tight, my face burned, and my hair. Well I actually did like my hair. Every royal born Ether has always had silver colored hair. It was a sign that their royal blood was pure, even from birth.

The platinum braid traveled down to my waist with smaller braids interloping each section of hair.

I heard a pounding bang and I instantly stopped my whole “Beauty” session and ran out the door. Shoot I was going to be late. I rushed down the marble steps which were incredibly hard in glass slippers and sped my way across Ether.

“Welcome Natives” I heard the queen say in the distance. Which only made me run faster.

“I welcome you to the Laurel…” The voice carried on and I jumped onto the gold steps of the Laurel. I started to sweat as I remembered...yes there were about eighty steps left to go.

I looked up and that was an incredible mistake. My heels broke, I twisted my ankle, and lost my balance. I fell off the stage and tried to focus. I tried and tried and tried to focus but the only thing that came to mind was the furious look of the queen. And I fell.

Chapter 2

Well you know, when you come to an international gathering you don't usually find yourself catching the princess of Ether but, today was my lucky day. be continued...

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23 Reviews

Points: 35
Reviews: 23

Sun Apr 18, 2021 9:34 pm
Emivanz1 says...

oh well crap, i accidentally pressed enter before i was done, so.... whatever. ok continuing on. The only thing i could see that needed improvement was the detail. where does she live, what does her room look like, what does the guy that catches her look like? And maybe you could give more detail on what is going on, I know that the (Kingdoms?) are gathering together, but why, and how, and what kin of people are these. These kinds of details really pull the story together.
your friend

P.S. did the nursemaid throw up because of her morning breath? that part was a little unclear.

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23 Reviews

Points: 35
Reviews: 23

Sun Apr 18, 2021 9:28 pm
Emivanz1 wrote a review...

Hey v, E here for a short review, (or a long one, idk).
My first thoughts of this was like, wow, just wow. You have created a wonderful little world that seems perfect, almost. As most stories go this little world will probably end up dying or be in trouble very soon. I love the way the 'princess' does not really act like a princess, but more lie a regular teenager. I love the way she is playful and gives of this, i dont wanna do this, i dont wanna be here, kind of vibe. and she is not afraid to speak her mind.

nightshadows says...

hahaha thank you! That is exactly what I was going for!

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Points: 317
Reviews: 1

Fri Apr 16, 2021 10:52 pm
MustachesAndSwords wrote a review...

Small grammar mistakes in there, but you know that and I'm not going to be a nitpicky turd about it.

Overall, such an amazingly realistic character. She's of the nobility, but she still has her own voice and opinions. I also enjoyed her internal musings, as they were insightful to her personality but also the world that you were creating.
I would think to add just a little more detail, especially to the part where she's clearly fed up with what you referred to as the "Natives" (roll credits), but it's not quite clear as to why, and while having some intrigue is great, we as the reader have no idea what to expect. The first chapter is meant to introduce the characters and setting, and slowly but surely the plot gets releveled as time goes on.

And showing just how late she was to the ceremony by having the speaker welcome the people as she attempts to arrive on time and in one piece was amazingly done.

I also think the introduction and the tease of chapter two was a nice touch, 10/10.

(you don't have to consider my critism, I'm not great at helping improve things, it's just more or less what I would have done. Anyways, peace and tacos be with you.)

nightshadows says...

Thank you! peace and tacos!

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121 Reviews

Points: 21970
Reviews: 121

Fri Apr 16, 2021 2:38 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...

Hey there, stygianmoon17 here for a review :D

@NightShadow, I didn't actually find that many grammar mistakes. One or two typos, maybe two or three misspelled words, but that's it !

(I won't make a list of them, but just skim through your text and you'll very easily find them)

I honestly don't have anything to complain about,

The beginning was intriguing and totally grabbed my attention (although it resembles a LOT a *record scratch* *freeze frame*
Which basically is when a character is introduced by a freeze frame with a voice-over narration saying "hi, my name is (insert name) you might be wondering how I got myself into this situation..")
Which is just so cliche. But you twisted that cliche in a way that fit just right the tone of the story and was interesting enough, so don't change it at all :)

Something I do want to point out is the world building. Cause there's a LOT in your story.
Of course this is the first chapter, so it's more something you need to worry about further on, but there's just way too many things introduced. through only this chapter, I learned that

-dragons exist
-Earth (or ether) is a floating city
-there is a royal family
-there's a ceremony called Laurel
-and like a thousand different species like the Flarecharm, a Thorica and just soooo many more

So maybe tone down on those, and take your time setting, well, the setting basically. Maybe have one of those creatures be the MC's pet, so you can describe it. Or maybe have the MC have a garden where he has those, or he looks outside and sees those animals..
And that's not only for the animals, also,
why is the city floating ?
is this Ether a totally new world or the Earth after an accident, like a nuclear one maybe ?
who is the royal family ?
And since you said the city is floating, it must be floating above something. Is it another planet ? Or just emptiness ? Or is it something else entirely.

See, I've got so many questions, but you kinda just gloss over those and move on to introduce new world building without ever grounding any of those ideas.

Hope this helps with future chapters, and keep writing <33

nightshadows says...

Thank you!! This helps so much!

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24 Reviews

Points: 264
Reviews: 24

Fri Apr 16, 2021 2:17 pm
nightshadows says...

*also do not mind my grammar errors..I am working on those*

I think I have thankfully avoided being quoted.
— Lavvie