A smile,
Just as simple as that.
Can hide,
the real impact.
~
People hide things,
that's just the way we are.
People run away from hardship,
Till they are very, very far.
~
But there's nothing I can do
to run away from the madness.
So I just hide
my overwhelming sadness.
~
Not even my closest friends know,
when a smile is real, or just made of gold.
trying to cope with the turmoil of the day,
wishing I could just float away.
~
Nobody I can go to for confiding,
So I just stay right here,
and just keep hiding.
*dedicated to somebody I know...they just don't see what I have to hide*
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
Heya, 1st of all, I really hope you're alright. My PM's are always open as well as my email if you want it. Let's get into this then,
"A smile,
Just as simple as that.
Can hide,
the real impact."
This line hits so hard, I love the way you seperated each line. It almost interrupts the rhythm, which feels like your breath when you are stuck inside your feelings all alone...the dreaded feeling of overwhelming fear and worry engulf you as if it were something much bigger, scarier. It shows me the pure and daily discomfort that the writer feels on a regular basis. It's short and grabs the reader and gives them a suspenseful and curious mood to see what simply happened.
"People hide things,
that's just the way we are"
These two lines give me a few different ideas! Maybe the author knows that people hide things, however also knows that this is extreme and is something they can't hide anymore. Or maybe it could be used to suggest that you are trying to reassure yourself that it's not a big deal "people hide things anyway so what's the big deal?"
"But there's nothing I can do
to run away from the madness.
So I just hide
my overwhelming sadness."
This stanza hits so hard, due to my personal experiences. It is a feeling of constant downfall and pressure, until you go to your room at home and you just can't cope with it all...it all comes spilling out when you are alone in your 'comfort space' You really capture these scenes and memories in these lines and I really appreciate the pure picture you create with it. There is no confusion and goes straight to the sad point of the reality of feeling this way. You can't shake it off, you can't forget about it and you most certainly can't hide it...
"Not even my closest friends know,
when a smile is real, or just made of gold."
These two lines (OMG JUST BEAUTIFULLY EXECUTED) are wonderfully presented. It really shows how hard it is to speak out and tell someone just how broken you are. Again, you present it really nicely!
Overall this is amazing, you really captured the reality and the harsh fear that people feel when there is 'no way out'. It makes the reader think and sticks with them...I loved it and the mood that it creates ; I feel like this a lot so it was very easy to imagine the lines which I like a lot.
Stay safe and keep writing,
Love Rubes x
Thank you! <3
Hello! My name is Via and I'm here for a review, so let's get started!
POSITIVE:
First and foremost, I love the whole mood and theme you're trying to bring. Good poetry makes us feel, and I love the emotions you were able to capture here. The little bits of figurative language are just divine.
My favorite was
I just loved that stanza.
All of the stanzas seem to work together well to form one cohesive idea. I can tell that this is very personal for you, even before the dedication, just from the way you worded things.
THANK YOU for fixing the auto capitalization. It's just a huge pet peeve of mine and all poets struggle with it. Even I do.
CRITIQUES:
Rhythm wise, your poem in general is good, but it just comes off beat just a tad every once in while. Rhythm is something that separates poetry from regular writing, and all poets struggle with it, especially when you're young, I know I do.
For example:
and
Have rhythmic issues from the transitions between lines. Reading your poems out loud helps spot these things easier. Just take a look and try to find a way to tidy up the lines so they flow nicer.
I love poems that are clear, and simple to the point... but I think this work could benefit from some imagery. Just a little bit of imagery to go along side the emotions and similes might add a bit more depth and create deeper emotional pictures than you already started with. Just a suggestion. If you do try to add images, make sure to develop them clearly while keeping rhythm in mind, don't overdo it. Sometimes less is more.
Lastly, you started off with a ABCB rhyme scheme.
Then you abandoned it here
.
Sometimes inconsistency in rhyme and rhythm add more depth and layers to a poem, but here, it could improve from a better structure. Like keeping four lines per stanza and the ABCB rhyme. It's just some food for thought.
Remember, these are only suggestions. You don't have to take them.
Overall, great poem! Keep writing!
Hey, Lizzy here for a review!
First, I absolutely loved your poem. I loved the style, and how you incorporated real feelings, and real experiences. The flow of your poem was great, and moved smoothly from one stanza to the other.
Your poem addressed real feelings, and real problems. For me, at least, I know the loneliness you speak of. It feels like nobody truly knows all of me. Some people know a little, and others know a lot. But nobody, not even me, truly knows everything.
This poem spoke to me, and I hope to see more of your work soon.
Happy writing!
Thank you!!
Hi, BrokenHearrtsAri here for a short review!!!
¨ Not even my closest friends know,
when a smile is real, or just made of gold.
trying to cope with the turmoil of the day,
wishing I could just float away.¨
I loved this part it is so true. No one knows if someone is truly happy or not.
¨But there's nothing I can do
to run away from the madness.
So I just hide
my overwhelming sadness.¨
Yes it truly is overwhelming the fact that you have to hide what really kills you everyday
every aspect of our lives and it starts young.
I enjoyed reading this poem I loved your word choice I loved each stanza this was a wonderful poem. I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk you can always PM me.
Keep up the wonderful work~BrokenHeartsAri
Thank you!!
Hi, BrokenHearrtsAri here for a short review!!!
¨ Not even my closest friends know,
when a smile is real, or just made of gold.
trying to cope with the turmoil of the day,
wishing I could just float away.¨
I loved this part it is so true. No one knows if someone is truly happy or not.
¨But there's nothing I can do
to run away from the madness.
So I just hide
my overwhelming sadness.¨
Yes it truly is overwhelming the fact that you have to hide what really kills you everyday
every aspect of our lives and it starts young.
I enjoyed reading this poem I loved your word choice I loved each stanza this was a wonderful poem. I wish you the best and if you ever need to talk you can always PM me.
Keep up the wonderful work~BrokenHeartsAri