(tear this to pieces. i gotta get back into writing. prompted by this post.)
The Daybreak Eye was beginning to sink behind the horizon, turning the normally blue sky to a beautiful blend of pinks, oranges, and yellows. The small village that was carefully tucked into a forest began its daily routine of preparing for nightfall -- they were primitive, yet they were increasingly smart with each passing day. They quickly figured out that the night sky was unforgiving in this world, and that the nox only meant trouble and danger for themselves.
A small child had escaped the village unnoticed just before the sun had set, in search of his missing father. It had been months and there had been no sign of him, and nobody wanted to do anything about it. It was simply up to him. Wild animals often prowl around under the bright moonlight, stalking their prey, which is occasionally a small, human child from the nearby village.
The night is, in fact, unforgiving.
He was dead before the Nightfall Eye hit the middle of the sky, decimated by a pack of wolves two times his size.
But...he didn’t feel dead. His eyes opened, but there was nothing but darkness. He felt very alone, yet, there was that feeling of being watched. Eyes bored into his back, burning him through to the heart. There was a presence behind him. It was ominous. Threatening. Very, very large. He was scared. He did not want to turn around.
But he still did, and there she was. Yin, the goddess deity of the night, death, the plague, famine, and everything bad in their world, stood directly in front of him. Yin was an enormous raven, with feathers that were darker than the darkest of nights. Her beak could kill any being, no matter how strong, with one simple peck. The wingspan of the great bird was more vast than the great horizon, and it could completely encase his home. The most interesting part about Yin, however, is her bright, white, milky eyes. Yin’s eye lights up the night sky, watching over the world she took part in creating, after her counterpart’s watchful eye sets to sleep. Her eye often changed shape, and sometimes was not visible at all. This caused his people to believe that she had abandoned them. The people called her eyes the Nightfall Eye.
“Hello, Young One.” Yin spoke, but nothing of her moved. She just continued to look at the small, lost boy who stood in front of her. “Welcome.”
He had so many questions for this great goddess that his village despised. They claimed she took everything away from them. Were they right? Has she taken him too? Where was he? Where was his Papa?
“I see you have many questions, and I will give you the answers you seek.” The raven looked to her left. “However, I wish for you to take a look, first. Yang has almost arrived.”
Yang was Yin’s counterpart. Although they were both ravens, Yang was a pure white raven. He was much bigger than Yin, with his breast double the width of Yin’s, and a wingspan that quadrupled hers. Yang was the god deity of light, life, health, and bounty, and he kept the light in the boy’s world. His eyes were also special -- they glowed a deep, burning orange, yellow, and red. They were much brighter than the pale, all-seeing eyes of Yin, and had been deemed the Daybreak Eye. The boy’s people worshipped Yang. They often would tell him that the day is merciful and plentiful of good luck.
The boy’s surroundings had shifted. The constellations of his ancestors surrounded him, and a large blue and brown-green surface appeared beneath him. A shadow was cast across the lands, most likely from Yin, about to end her watch. The sight was overwhelming and unfamiliar, yet it was beautiful.
Suddenly, a bright light emerged from the other side of the globe, startling the boy. The white raven of legend appeared promptly, his wings casting away the shadow with one beat. Yin and Yang nodded to each other, then Yin stepped away, letting Yang do his job in this area of the world they share.
“You see, my child,” Yin started as she began watch on another part of the world, “you and your people believe that I am evil and chaos itself. I have no mercy. The things I’ve created have brought you only suffering and loss.” She stopped, turning to the boy. “You are right. Yet you are also wrong.” The bird gestured with a quick flick of her head and pointed with her beak. “Look closer.”
The boy leaned in, and his view changed abruptly.
The night was there in this village that he did not recognize. However, unlike his village, they were not hiding in fear. This group was...celebrating. What were they dancing about for, around the smoldering fire? What was this celebration for?
“They are celebrating new life under the stars and fullness of the Nightfall Eye. Look closer once more.” So he did.
And he saw joy. He saw happiness. He saw...life.
There sat a woman looking to burst with child. She was glowing and was very beautiful, and everyone was seeming to celebrate the new life within the tribe. They were not afraid to express their gratitude to the goddess of the night for bestowing them with the blessings of a new child.
“I will put the life back into you, my child. I hope you will experience much more joy in this trip. I am here for you and your people, to continue your living. However, Yin and Yang are gods. We are powerful and unforgiving, yet we are also merciful. Evil and good are present in the both of us.” The child looked thoughtful, then nodded. “You will learn. Have no fear, and put your trust in us.”
And thus, with one final goodbye, the boy was sent back into the world as the child who would be born that night, given the name Nox. Nox grew up to become head of the Tribe and shed more light on the traditions of praising and faulting both night and day. Many believed he was protected by the Nightfall Eye, but nobody could prove it for sure. He led the Tribe to many victories in battle, good fortune, and bounty.
Until the fateful day where Yin craved power from Yang. The fight was startling when it happened. The Nightfall Eye had covered the Daybreak Eye at about midday, and nobody had expected it. It was very dark--abnormal for the day. Nox had been looking up to the great fight, watching, praying for the safety of both god and goddess. As he watched, he suddenly collapsed, his people crowding around him. He was pronounced dead just as the sunlight returned. Yang was victorious, yet he had snatched away the tribe’s most honored warrior.
The people had started to dislike the moon goddess due to the passing, but the Tribe’s new chieftan led them away from their hatred. The village was in shock, but they would continue progressing. They were smart, after all, and they could outsmart the unforgiving world they lived in.
“Good evening, old friend,” Nox said kneeling to the great night raven. Yin looked down to him.
“Good evening, indeed.” She was missing an eye.
“You fought Yang. That is why I was killed.”
Yin was silent for an eternity. Then her response came.
“How unforgiving.”
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140,763 Literary Works • 673,687 Reviews
I love how you took the deities and turned them into ravens. It was weird but it matched so well. I love how you had the day and night fight and the little boy come back. The idea of the night is not actually evil and how it turned into a fight between the day and night is just amazing. I love your writing and i hope to read more.
I love how you took the deities and turned them into ravens. It was weird but it matched so well. I love how you had the day and night fight and the little boy come back. The idea of the night is not actually evil and how it turned into a fight between the day and night is just amazing. I love your writing and i hope to read more.
Hello!
Okay, so this review is likely useless, but I promised I would post something, so here we go.
Overall, I love this. Ever since I saw the prompt, I desperately wanted someone to write a story using. You did, and you did it beautifully.
That being said, I noticed one error. Or at least something I thought was an error.
In the line "The people had started to dislike the moon goddess due to the passing, but the Tribe’s led them away from their hatred." did you mean "Tribes"?
Maybe I'm just nit picking lol
Anyway there you go
Hello
I'm here to read your story!
"The small village was carefully tucked," rather than, "that was carefully tucked."
I'd expand upon it simply being "tucked into a forest," for it sounds rather mundane.
This is confusing to read. perhaps, "their intelligence was growing with each passing day." or something along those lines.
Take away, "for themselves." First paragraph. final sentence.
His introduction is very brief, and we don't really get to find out much more about him.
Though overall, it was entertaining and engaging.
I look forward to reading more from you.
Thomas.
Hola amigo! I'm here to review your stuff, so that's what I'm doing! First off, what a heckuva an ending line! Like dang. I love the ravens, and the story is really good.
One thing I noticed was tenses. At some points you switch between tense, and I think going back and fixing that would allow for the sentences to flow a lot easier. For example:
"It had been months and there had been no sign of him, and nobody wanted to do anything about it. It was simply up to him. Wild animals often prowl around under the bright moonlight, stalking their prey, which is occasionally a small, human child from the nearby village."
In the last sentence, "prowl" should be "prowled" and "which is" needs to be "which was".
Another small thing I noticed was your use of the more "fairytale" type of writing. I really liked it in the story and I think it fit what you were trying to do. However, I feel you could use more detail here and there, especially in parts about the village and Nox's leadership. I did really love the detail and imagery when you're describing the ravens.
Favorite line/part:
Yin was silent for an eternity. Then her response came.
“How unforgiving.”
Overall, I really really enjoyed reading this! It was awesome, and I really enjoyed Yin and Yang. I think was was a great short story. Keep writing!
ella
Hey ! I wana give a review on this story. So lets see. We will talk between the stanzas as you know gatherimg point matters too.
(The Daybreak Eye was beginning to sink
behind the horizon, turning the normally blue sky to a beautiful blend of pinks, oranges, and yellows. The small village that was carefully tucked into a forest began its daily routine of preparing for nightfall -- they were primitive, yet they were increasingly smart with each passing day. They quickly figured out that the night sky was unforgiving in this world, and that the nox only meant trouble and danger for themselves.)
As it is a review and I have to make count every word for my own good and to make good review I am doing this . So in the first paragraph you showed your holding power to a scenareo . And its awsome.
(A small child had escaped the village unnoticed just before the sun had set, in search of his missing father. It had been months and there had been no sign of him, and nobody wanted to do anything about it. It was simply up to him. Wild animals often prowl around under the bright moonlight, stalking their prey, which is occasionally a small, human child from the nearby village.)
The fragrance of suspense strats to make a way to my mind. And this is a very good sign of making people attracted towards your writing.
(The night is, in fact, unforgiving.
He was dead before the Nightfall Eye hit the middle of the sky, decimated by a pack of wolves two times his size.
But...he didn’t feel dead. His eyes opened, but there was nothing but darkness. He felt very alone, yet, there was that feeling of being watched. Eyes bored into his back, burning him through to the heart. There was a presence behind him. It was ominous. Threatening. Very, very large. He was scared. He did not want to turn around.)
Ok now this is somethung creepy . Dead but feeling alive ? O rather choose not to give any comment in this stanza
(But he still did, and there she was. Yin, the goddess deity of the night, death, the plague, famine, and everything bad in their world, stood directly in front of him. Yin was an enormous raven, with feathers that were darker than the darkest of nights. Her beak could kill any being, no matter how strong, with one simple peck. The wingspan of the great bird was more vast than the great horizon, and it could completely encase his home. The most interesting part about Yin, however, is her bright, white, milky eyes. Yin’s eye lights up the night sky, watching over the world she took part in creating, after her counterpart’s watchful eye sets to sleep. Her eye often changed shape, and sometimes was not visible at all. This caused his people to believe that she had abandoned them. The people called her eyes the Nightfall Eye.)
Now it seems clear . So he sees the quen of death. In this para one soeciality of yours comes very smooth . And that is going into detail. As you picturised the avatar of the quen I can make a imaginary figure too. Awsome. Beyind words.
(“Hello, Young One.” Yin spoke, but nothing of her moved. She just continued to look at the small, lost boy who stood in front of her. “Welcome.”
He had so many questions for this great goddess that his village despised. They claimed she took everything away from them. Were they right? Has she taken him too? Where was he? Where was his Papa?
“I see you have many questions, and I will give you the answers you seek.” The raven looked to her left. “However, I wish for you to take a look, first. Yang has almost arrived.”
Yang was Yin’s counterpart. Although they were both ravens, Yang was a pure white raven. He was much bigger than Yin, with his breast double the width of Yin’s, and a wingspan that quadrupled hers. Yang was the god deity of light, life, health, and bounty, and he kept the light in the boy’s world. His eyes were also special -- they glowed a deep, burning orange, yellow, and red. They were much brighter than the pale, all-seeing eyes of Yin, and had been deemed the Daybreak Eye. The boy’s people worshipped Yang. They often would tell him that the day is merciful and plentiful of good luck.)
No comment in this para too.
(The boy’s surroundings had shifted. The constellations of his ancestors surrounded him, and a large blue and brown-green surface appeared beneath him. A shadow was cast across the lands, most likely from Yin, about to end her watch. The sight was overwhelming and unfamiliar, yet it was beautiful.
Suddenly, a bright light emerged from the other side of the globe, startling the boy. The white raven of legend appeared promptly, his wings casting away the shadow with one beat. Yin and Yang nodded to each other, then Yin stepped away, letting Yang do his job in this area of the world they share.)
Ok so the mystery is still a mystery . I told you have good holding power.
I will end uo here as the remaining part is simole to give review as its just a mysterious conversation .
I can give it 9 out hundread. I realy enjoyed this story . Thank you.