Through it all.
Through all the pain,
We had so much to gain.
All of the doleful days,
And those words you made my heart say.
I love you. I can not lie,
And threw all the tears I’ve cried
You made me as vibrant as the sun,
And there’s no where for my heart to run.
I love you. I can not deny,
Even if it doesn’t work you always try.
Sometimes I try to push you away,
But you’re a mule, to my dismay.
So here’s to the guy
That never made me cry.
I love you, my Edmond,
For my heart is never too hard for you to mend.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thank you very much!
The reviews helped out alot and I wrote this one about a year ago, and just wanted to throw it up for grabs to see if any reponses went the same with ones from my mentor or not. However, it did and you also pointed other things I need to work on, the rhyme scheme.
~Nightmare.
A good start, but I think there's much you could improve on.
Firstly, it is structurally very awkward and does not flow well. Your rhyme scheme, while more or less regular, is thrown off by the lack of rhythm and sounds very forced in some places, particularly that last line. Perhaps next time you might try reading your work out loud, and tapping out the beat on your desk or table, just to get a feel for it. You could also check out THIS SITE or one of the writing tutorials here for help with smoothing out the flow.
Secondly, the content of the poem itself feels flat and lifeless. This may sound a little harsh, but basically this is the sort of poem that is a dime a dozen on any writing site on the 'net. I always think of writing poetry as a means of conveying ones own feelings to others - to reach across and give them a glimpse of what it's like to be you (or the narrator, depending). In order for this to work, there needs to be some give and take, some common ground between writer and reader.
The problem here is that your poem is not only rather formulaic but it is very one-sided. Ultimately it makes complete sense only to you, and while that's OK, you do want to give your reader something to work with, something to feel. A little more context would be nice; also, I would suggest playing around with some literary devices a bit more - similes, metaphors, that sort of thing - and perhaps shifting the focus of the poem away from the "I feel this" variety and more towards "this is how it feels". Do you see what I mean? Your "vibrant as the sun" line is a great example of this; perhaps you could expand on it more
Anyway, just my two cents. Hope it helps
Cheers,
~bubbles
I may be one of the few people [ or so it seems] to review this poem. Even though this may be true, I like it very much so. It makes me think of a certain thing. But anyways, good job. I am picky about my work and my readings. HAHA But I think it is a good piece of literature and I think I would like to read and review more of your work. Thank you so much.