The Turner family lived on top Cravesville Hill in the small town of Drune. They moved from Romania 80 years ago , after Kendall's parents passed on. She now lives with her Uncle Jack and Aunt Carly. Now living in America were everyone is nosy they have to keep there secret hidden, their vampires. The have been living off of subsitue blood for as long as they can remember and now have cravings for real blood.
Kendall,16, is forced to go to school. When she meets Oliver, he finds out her secret. Now as her past comes back to haunt her, she has to protect her family, herself and now Oliver. Urges grow stronger, time is running out, and her history paper is due at the end of the month. Can she save her family's dark secret, Oliver, and still pass high school?
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No, not too much but I shall go through and make grammar and sentence structure suggestions -
The Turner family lived on top of Cravesville Hill in the small town of Drune. They moved from Romania eighty years ago ,[There's a space before this comma that shouldn't be there.] after Kendall's parents passed on. She now lives with her Uncle Jack and Aunt Carly[s]. Now living[/s] in America where everyone is nosy. The family have to keep their secret hidden - they're vampires. They have been living off of subsitue [I think you mean substituted?] blood for as long as they can remember but they now have cravings for real blood.
Kendall, at sixteen, is forced to go to school. When she meets Oliver, he finds out her secret. Now as her past comes back to haunt her, she has to protect her family, herself and now Oliver. Urges grow stronger, time is running out, and her history paper is due at the end of the month. Can she save her family's dark secret, Oliver, and still pass high school?
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Other than that though, it sounds like it would make a pretty good story.
Still, it's not healthy to post a summary on YWS if you want critiques.
There's not much we can do with them, see?
Sorry for the mistake I made earlier! I have it all written down in a notebook copied the wrong title , I re-wrote what I had onto here.
Hello there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before.
Alright, onto the critique.
Let me start off by saying that this doesn't really work as a prologue. It seems more like a summary than a prologue.
The purpose of a prologue is to grab the reader's attention and lead into the story. Maybe a bit of exposition, foreshadowing, stuff like that. Alright, I get that your story's about a teenage vampire in high school. However, I'm not really compelled to read any further because this isn't really a prologue! Get what I'm trying to say?
So start your story here. We don't need a summary for a prologue- a summary goes on the back cover for those who're picking your story up in a bookshop.
Positives: I like how you list all the negatives in her life- starting with the serious things and ending with the history paper. I smiled at that.
Grammatical errors:
This is my forte.
The comma should be either a semicolon or a hyphen. Also, "their" should be "they're."
One, don't include her age in the prologue. Summary, it's okay, prologue, not so much. Don't state it outright. And I figure this is a typo, but space 16 from the comma.
-St. Razorblade