Masquerade
Kendall Turner sat in front of her bureau and studied herself. She looked gorgeous, she had waited for this dance for the past three years. The dance where Coty promised to give her the kiss that would change her life.Then she would live with Aunt Carly, Uncle Jack, and Coty forever.
It was all planned out. Mama and Papa were to leave first thing in the morning, so they wouldn't be here for the change. Aunt Carly's doctor would diagnose Kendall with a disease that made her appear to be sixteen for the rest of her life. When her parents died Carly and Jack would become her legal guardians and from there on out her and Coty were free! She kept reviewing everything in her head until it all seemed fool-proof. Then the door bell rang.
Kendall rushed to her window , Oh, it's just Carly.. Carly says a quick "hello" to everyone then makes her way up to Kendall's room.
" Kendall, you look marvelous!" Carly gasps.
" Thanks. I'm so excited!" Kendall replies, in a hushed tone.
" Now are you sure you want to do this? The school is on an Indian burial ground. Which means..." Kendall cuts her off.
" Which mean I will forever be bound to Coty?" she giggles. "Yes, I'm sure. You and Jack approve of him right?"
"Of course! Don't mind me! I'm just being silly, you just grew up so fast. Hmpfg!"
" I have waited the past three years for this, Carly. Be honest, do I look ready?"
"More than ready." she smiles.
"Kendall , Sweetie! Coty's here!" Mama calls.
" Coming!" Kendall turns to Carly for one last look.
" You'll be fine! Don't worry, and it only hurts for three days then your pain free forever." The word forever rang in her head as she headed toward the car. With one last kiss from Mama and Papa, she left her mortal world behind.
When Coty and Kendall arrived they were greeted by many friends. Kendall didn't know a single one of them, but they all knew Coty. They danced the evening away. It wasn't until Coty left for a drink that she finally spotted someone she knew.
William came over and picked up her hand and kissed it. Then complimented her gown. After they made small talk, he stared right in to her green eyes. Then a serious look came on his face. "What is it?" Kendall asked so delighted that she barely noticed anything was wrong. She looked at him, his eyes filled with sorrow. "William, What is the problem?"
"Have I ever lied to you, said something about the future that didn't happen or ever let you stand in harms way?" He answered quickly.
" No! You never would. Your one of the most honest men I know."
"Okay, so believe me, and follow my directions. You are in grave danger here. Get out of town immediately. I will not follow you. nor I hope, will anyone else. I don't know what will happen to you, should you decide to stay. I just know you wont be alive."
"William, I know your never a man to lie, but to must be joking. Look Coty just left to get a drink, he should be back soon. If I just left now not only would I loose Coty, but I wouldn't get to say good-bye either."
I should have listened to William that night, but I guess I must have been blind not to see what was going to happen.
Ummm... Very Interesting. I liked it overall good plot, characters need a little work I'd like to read a little more about them. A little background info would be nice too. The last sentence wants me to hit you though... but that's just me and my great hate for cliffhangers/foreshadowing on online stories. You better post soon so that I can read it and be at peace 
Okay I'm done Great job I can't wait to read more!
no i hadn't planned to b/c threw the chapters i will go very in depth w/ the personialitys and other characters...... i plan on it being very exciting and plot twists threw out the whole thing ... by the middle you should be a little confused b/c sevearal things will be going on and then straighten out at the end .... so for misspelling i have to type fast... not much time
A few specific points to make first -
She looked gorgeous, she had waited for this dance for the past three years. [I think this would be better if you split it into two sentences only they don't really relate. I'd suggest 'She looked gorgeous. She had spent the last three years preparing for this dance.]
would change her life.Then she would live [You need a space between the full stop and 'Then.']
Kendall rushed to her window , [No space between window and the comma.] Oh, it's just Carly.. [Perhaps a full stop here rather than an ellipse?]Carly says a quick "hello" to everyone then makes her way up to Kendall's room.
" Kendall, you look marvelous!" Carly gasps. [You do this several times. There should be no space between the speech marks and the first word. You should check the rest of the document for this typo.]
" You'll be fine! Don't worry, and it only hurts for three days then your [You're not your] pain free forever."
Then complimented her gown. [complimented her on her gown might sound better.]
After they made small talk, he stared right in to her green eyes. [into should be one word.
" No! You never would. Your one of the most honest men I know." [Again, it's you're.]
"William, I know you're never a man to lie, but you must be joking. Look Coty just left to get a drink, he should be back soon. If I just left now not only would I lose Coty, but I wouldn't get to say good-bye either."
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Other than that though, it's a nice little story. Are you going to extend it? If so, I'd like to see some more characterization and such.
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