Published January 31, 2011
someone I knew
once said to me
come fly with
and take the world in our hands
but I cant believe that person is gone
and he slipped out of my hands
but when I fly I ask him
come fly with me
and take the world in our hands
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
Nice, short poem. But you need to add to it. There's not a lot to relate to, plus the words like: come fly with me have little meaning because there's nothing to reenforce them. If you added some more imagery; describing the meaning this person has to you, describing the significance of the flying. The way you present these can help us relate and get a deeper understanding of the poem.
Sorry for the short review, my keyboard is kinda broken.
Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
edit Welcome to YWS.
this poem is short, but sweet. I can feel the emotion in it.
Bolded parts-
1. I suggest changing this alittle bit maybe like this? When I read this part, I was somewhat confused especially the part "come fly with". If you put the "me" in a different area it makes more sense and sounds much better
Once said
come fly with me
2. change this around alittle bit and get rid of "and"
but I cant believe that person is gone
he slipped out of my hands
but when I fly I ask him