Published January 3, 2005
This is my second poem out of a book that I formed. I would appreciate some tips!
Nikki
Grief
I weep as I hear
That a friend has begun her final never-ending sleep
My pain for her family runs deep
Sorrow engulfs me, washing over me
Like snow covering a mountain
Death causes grief
It puts loathing and hatred into my heart
Tears flow as I try to cry away the pain
I feel as if I will die without my friend
And I feel sorry that I didn't know her better
I hate that we spoke just hours ago
Our voices rose as we fought
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141,367 Literary Works • 674,382 Reviews
guyz...this is really, really, really old...it was horrible...I have some better stuff that isn't posted, but my only real poem that comes close to decency is called broken souls....
*shakes head at how old and bad this is*
I agree with what everyone else said. It kind of makes me feel like I did when the great-aunt I barely knew died. Everyone else was upset but I didn't really feel their pain. But I just don't like funerals. When I die I don't think I want a funeral in a boring smelly old funeral home. I'd want it someplace pretty and outside somewhere. Hm...maybe I could write a poem about that...
Okay sorry I'm rambling. I basically agree with everyone else.
I didn't really like it. I know, I know, I sound insensitive, but when I read this, I had no idea who you are. When I read this, a few meaningless words to me, I still have no idea who you are, why your writing, why I should care. Pull me into it, no mate how much pain your feeling, you still have got to convince me I should care.
I agree with Incan...make us feel the pain you feel..don't just tell us. I've recently begun reading lots of books on how to improve my writing, and the one big tip they always give is to show, not tell.
You've picked a topic that you can really go with, but it's been done, so you've really got to put in an effort to make it fresh. Make its words ring in our ears, make us feel the hurt and lonliness.
Also, it ended rather abruptly, so perhaps you could extend it a bit.
Keep writing!
Interesting poem, just one suggestion- don't call it 'grief'. to put it in Incandence's words, it's like telling us 'we interrupt this program to deliver the obvious statement of the day'. (sorry I, I quote you too much!
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Death causes grief like snow covers a mountain is nonsensical. As I've said before, stop telling us about what an event does, but how it makes you feel. We're people, we know what an event does, we don't need your explanation of a storm or grief; we're writers, however, and what we want to know is how you feel about it.