Published January 3, 2005
Hey guyz...This is my first poem for this forum. I really would like some pointers...Thx,
Nicole
Death
Death is an angel,
Carrying souls above
The world as we know it
It creates horror
And sorrow
With family and friends
Experiencing a feeling of emptiness
Deep inside of them.
Sometimes, death is a godsend
An angel of mercy
Releasing people from suffering
It signifies
A great passing of time
As we lose a person
And another is born
Death is only a new beginning
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This is really well written! I loved reading it! Very enjoyable. I don't have anything to add or comment on, really, and I don't think you should change anything! It was well presented and the grammar and rhythm were both excellent! Great jobe and keep up the good work!
I'm not sure on any pointers as I'm not a really good critic but I really liked it. Sure it may be a topic that people have raked over many times but because I haven't really read any poems on death I like yours because, in a sort of twisted way, I can relate to it and I felt as if it would be something that I would think of.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You need more subtlety in your work. Instead of attacking a subject head on you need to actually think about what you're trying to say and build around it using imagery that does not rely solely on metaphor and bald statement. Still, there are some unique contrasts in there, as others have said. The flow is perhaps a bit to light for such a piece, though - it reads as lightweight, feathery type stuff when it should be solid and moving.
my biggest problem is the flow. it's just too sort of bouncy and light. i felt it should come off more somber.
Once again, thx for the comments! I really thought that even though the topic has been used, I wrote a different type of poem on it.
This was weak. Real weak. As is most of your other poetry, for that matter. I suggest you stop writing about something that already has millions of poems. It's time to get inventive. You have some good ideas, as Brian said, but I don't think they were shared with us well. Besides the fact that you pretty much stated what he stated, and gave no examples, so to say, I thought this lacked an essential component in poetry.
This is cliche, but that's going to happen no matter what when writing about Death. The subject has been done so many times that it's almost impossible to add anything new to it.
Anyways, I like the contrasting you got going on here. First, Death is portrayed in a positive way, then you reveal the negative aspects of death. Finally you divulge that death can be a Godsend, releasing people from their suffering. Well done, and it's interesting that you did it in such a way that nothing actually contradicts anything else. Death is postive and negative, and I think you conveyed that very well.