Published October 30, 2009
Tenses and a better title were giving me issues, so help would be appreciated (along with any other comments)
...
She had been absently brushing patterns into the sweat of her icy glass, rocking on her ankles to maintain the rhythmic, creaking music of the front porch swing. Turning to the old woman beside her, sunk heavily into the weathered cushions, she had restarted the conversation of a previous hour. “I’d feel so much better if someone was here with you,” the granddaughter said. Cooking and climbing stairs, showering and venturing to the backyard garden, leaving the suffocating stillness of the sitting room couch. All were silently, imploringly, forbidden by the gentle concern of the young woman.
Old shoulders had tugged free of the swing to emphasize protest, and aged eyes had turned to meet those vibrant and concerned in the face of her granddaughter. Her indignant huffs and sighs were dismissed when slender fingers, still cold from the drink, reached out to massage the wrinkled hands in the lap next to her. “I don’t want you to get hurt when no one is here,” she had said earnestly, then had assured, “Just until an assisted living opens up.”
The girl had smiled, sweet and tentative, inviting approval without hope or expectation.
A child’s pleasured cooing had averted her attention, and she had unconsciously squeezed her grandmother’s hand tighter as she called, “Baby doll! Come away from the street!” A wrinkle of anxiety had emerged in her young forehead.
The toddling great grandbaby had supported her unstable feet by the post of the mailbox and grinned at her chiding mother before wobbling back, falling lightly on her diapered bottom and pudgy knees as she made her way toward the familiar skinny façade of chipped white paint.
Now alone and unmoving, she sat on the couch, gazing at the same suffocating surroundings. The weight of permanence settled in her muscles, too great to move under. In every weary bone of her body was the affirmation that time would never slow down or revert. Heavy hopelessness blurred with an undirected, futile indignation. The feelings swelled and swirled inside her, demanding a stop to the inevitability her life was unyieldingly pulled towards.
An abused screened door timidly crept toward the porch, squeaking and raising the alarm.
The grayed and frayed cuff of a sweatshirt fell lightly onto the soft hand, uneven with veins, which clutched the doorknob.
Slowly, slowly, she lowered a tennis-shoed foot to the porch. She took a moment to discern the solidity of the earth under her foot and the stability of her own self before delicately bringing her other foot to join its mate. Finally firmly grounded, she stretched cautiously for the handrail of the porch steps and released her safety grip on the front door.
Completely reliant, she leaned into the railing and crept down with desperate precision.
The driveway stretched out in front of her, as void of any support or aid as Mt. Everest to a mountaineer or a great desert to a camel-rider. A deep breath filled her lungs, lifting the settled weight of despair. She released her safety grip on the rail, and inched her foot forward.
The old woman supported her unstable feet by the post of the mailbox. A smile of secret triumph wrinkled her features as she peered at the ads leaning in the rusted box.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well that was a really sweet little story that you've got right here. Its certainly gives you just this wonderful uplifting feeling when you read about this grandma overcoming here troubles like that. The fact that you pay attention to that sort of small victory feeling is awesome and I love the touch of imagery that you throw in there as well. It does a wonderful of elevating this a bit.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay that's an interesting place to start things off. Seems like a pretty nice relationship there where this younger woman does care for this old lady and the bit of setting established there at the start doesn't hurt either.
Well that's a nice sentiment. I really like the way that you've described that whole part. It really does a wonderful job of conveying the relationship that the two of them share.
Aww...I love that nickname that she has for her child. That helps make this just so much better.
Ahhh....too much cuteness. I don't think I'm going to be able to spot any mistakes at this rate. This story is too wholesome.
Okay so that one took a turn right there. Definitely channeling quite a bit of imagery in that one and a whole lot of emotion around what someone at that age might feel in a situation like the one this grandma is in.
Well that certainly is another great description that we've got right here.
And that's a pretty sweet ending with this woman managing to conquer the pathway after all. It's really satisfying to read and definitely leaves a lovely smile on your face.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think it was a lovely little story and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. It was a lovely self contained little short with a beautiful message embedded in there among a very simple little plot. That's about all I've got to say. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I didn't find anything wrong with the tenses, personally. C:
I really like your sense of prose (that's something I'm struggling with a little bit myself, personally) and how you put such an emphasis on age with your descriptions. I didn't quite get the message of the piece, but I know there must be one, and I have a feeling of what it revolves around.
Overall, though, this was excellent and I really enjoy your style.
*star*
I think you write good, how you describe the old women ,and other things is really nice keep doing like that but I did felt a little lost in some parts