Hatchet Road
The garage shielded us from the cruel July sun. Boredom had left me lacking energy and interest, flopped in a lawn chair and totally ignorant of the life-changing event about to occur. My parent’s consistent cleaning did nothing to arouse me from this lethargic state.
“Noelle,” Dad said in the pause between the vacuum’s roar. “Why don’t you hope on your bike and see if Macy’s home?
My attention was captured. Could I cross Hatchet Road – intersection of speed, metal, and early deaths – alone? I chose my words with careful strategy, for fear that I had misunderstood.
“Ride my bike over alone?”
“Yeah,” he said with a shrug, oblivious to the radical situation he had so casually advised.
“Okay!” I said enthusiastically, leaping off my chair towards the house to collect an adequate pair of shoes.
Hurtling down the stairs, I met the obstacle strong enough to crush my excitement under the weight of silly worry. It was mom.
“Where ya going?” she asked, eyeing the walkie-talkie laced in my fingers.
“Riding to Macy’s. Dad said it was okay.” I held my breath, waiting for the seemingly inevitable.
“You call the second you cross Hatchet.” Her mouth pressed into a twisted frown, and her voice held doubt, worry, and acceptance. I focused on the latter. Agreeing to her terms, I raced out of the house, straddled my bike, and sailed into the July heat.
The street loomed ahead, huge and wild. Cars flew past, appearing from thin air, leaving me feeling like a character in Frogger. Sensing a break in traffic, I lurched forward across the two lane street, pedaling for dear life. Skidding to a stop at the opposing corner, I pulled the walkie-talkie from the belt loops of my shorts. From smiling lips, I uttered the sarcastic words, “I’m not dead!”
As I continued on my quest, the smile remained on my face. It was sustained by an overpowering feeling of independence, a mistaken idea of experience, and pure excitement.
I really enjoyed that! Such a great symbol of growing up, if you know what I mean.
However, I will have to agree with Kitty. I think the main focus of your essay should be the actual event of crossing the street. add at least another paragraph to that description. do you almost run into an SUV? Did you cause a traffic jam?
Going with Azilla, I do think you should stress that opening paragraph.
this is really, really good! I hope you let us read the next draft!
First off, this piece is really short so add description and try to get a bit of characterization in. Have the mother hesitate and argue more before she gives in so that the reader can see that she's worried. Also, the dad needs a stronger personality. Perhaps he's a joker? Also, why does he suggest that Noelle should visit Marcy? Maybe Noelle should be sulking around the house or should beg to be allowed to go.
Then there's the fact that you only spend one paragraph describing what happens on Hatchet road. You need to draw that out. Describe the noise of the traffic, the clammy hands that clutch the handlebars and the sweat dripping down Noelle's forehead. Maybe even add a touch of description of the bike and have the mother check the pressure of the tyres.
Anyway, as it is, it's good but a touch short. If you do a re-write, let me know. I'd love to take a look at anything you add to this.
It is kind of short, so I can't give much critique except the line-by-line kind.
"The garage shielded us from the cruel July sun. Boredom had left me lacking energy and interest, flopped in a lawn chair and totally ignorant of the life-changing event about to occur. My parent’s consistent cleaning did nothing to arouse me from this lethargic state." --This is the first paragraph - it should grab and intrigue the reader. I know what you want to say (I have suffered the same many a time) but this paragraph is really choppy. Like a bunch of sentences slapped together... experiment with transitions more.
"Dad said in the pause between the vacuum’s roar." -- That doesn't make sense, you might want to change it to "roars." Or, you could change the sentence to something like "Dad said, momentarily turning off the vacuum."
“Why don’t you hope on your bike and see if Macy’s home? --"hop" not "hope."
"Agreeing to her terms, I raced out of the house, straddled my bike, and sailed into the July heat. " --You can just say "heat" or even "summer heat" you already said in the first paragraph that it's July, you don't need to say it again.
Over all, I think you need to go more into the setting --you say it's hot and sunny, but is it humid? Or is there a drought? What is the landscape like? What does Noelle's house and lawn look like? A little setting description will make it a more colorful piece.
Keep it up!
~Azila 
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