Published June 14, 2007
Disappear
The couch wrapped her in a comfy embrace. It snuggled against her bare shoulders. With her legs curled beneath her, and her long hair splayed across the armrest, she looked a kitten, peacefully basking in a ray of sun.
The paperback book perched on her knees absorbed her attention. Her eyes gazed directly at the black scribbles. The corners of her mouth flickered, and her forehead scrunched into concern. So slight were the movements that it barely registered as a change.
She knew nothing of her expressions or appearance. Even her surrounding world, the cozy sofa, and the warmly lit room evaded consciousness. She had disappeared into the story, joining the characters in their exciting adventures.
Her own boring life was a memory. A functioning family, acceptable grades, and a suburban home were forgotten. For now, she was a brave heroine. She was the prince’s mysterious love. Saving the kingdom and rocky cave hide-outs were possibilities. Anything could happen, anything would happen, as long as she kept reading.
“Dinner!”
She was forced back into reality, forced out of the comfy couch by the enticing smells of buttered pierogies. As the typical American family assembled around the table, she glanced longingly at the lonely book. It would wait for her return. The story was dependent on all characters, and one was munching pierogies.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
This was a bit unoriginal and I second that the persona needs a name. I want to knwo more about her thoughts, I want a meaning and plot beyind the enjoyment of reading and I want to see vivid, unique description. Perhaps you should extend this and venture into the story she's reading, I'm sure there's more interest there. I mean, your spelling and grammar are accurate and your vocabulary is pretty good but I agree that this needs conflict.
I second Pushca in everything.
This story had no conflict, it was more like an exorcise written about a moment.
Stories should have problems, conflicts, and reasons for us to be interested in the story. This didn't really have any. It was just paragraphs of observation.
Consider buying Writing Fiction. That book taught me how to write. You'll love it, too.
I would have stopped reading at this point. It's boring.
Oh no. Please tell me this isn't about reading.
Dear God. It is about reading.
... I don't care. And I'm bored. I've read a book before. I know what it's like. This is like one of those emotion poems that are good to get out, but not so good to read.
WTF? You described them as "functional". The typical American family is divorced, FYI.
Um, OK. I didn't want to die or anything, but it was pointless.
Hmm... this reads kind of flat. In the bluntest terms. It's kind of lifeless.
Eh... the description in this is awkward. It's fine wording-wise, but it's broken in odd places. I'd relocate some periods- if not delete them completely- and rearrange some clauses. It'll help liven this up. Also, get rid of "peacefully." Icky adverb.
In the last sentence, change the last bit to "that they barely registered as changes" because you're referring to multiple changes. Also, find a way to get "barely" out of there. The first two sentences need to be combined & altered in some way, same as the last paragraph.
The second sentence should be "--Blah-- evaded her consciousness," because otherwise it sounds like you're referring to consciousness in general. Also, the last sentence is really corny and icky.
Who said this. Where is it coming from.
The whole typical American family bit? Makes me want to cringe. I love the way you ended this, though. Great work on that.
This needs some polishing. So why are you still reading this?
-St. Razorblade
Her eyes gazed directly at the black scribbles
I'm not sure if you should use the word scribbles, cause scribbles sounds more like a kid took a marker and wrote in it .
I felt like you could use some more sentence structure in this, as it doesn't seem to vary much, though that might just be me. Also, some of the sentences, like, "So slight were the movements that it barely registered as a change" seemed awkward to me.
I definitely liked the way you made her a character in the story. (Oh, btw...it'd also be nice if she had a name too...)