falling for emotions

Hi there, niccoletta!

I am GeeLyria, and I am going to be reviewing for you today.

First off, I want to welcome you to the site! If you like reading, writing, and meeting new people, you are in the right place. However, if you have any questions, feel free to contact me and I will be glad to help you out.

Now, let's get to reviewing! Your piece is very simple, but it is lovely. Personally, I think this poem would fit better in the "Lyrical Poetry" section, and that is because it offers the magic of a melody while it is being read. That is something I love. Although, I don't know why this poem lacks periods and capital letters. I would love to see some of that because, under my perspective, it would make your poem stand out in a more professional way.

I also noticed that throughout the poem, you were simply narrating a situation as it happened (pointing out the obvious, maybe?). I would like to see some comparisons, some art, more creativeness, anything! Your piece leaves me curious; I just want to know how you see the world and what you feel about it. If you work on that, I'm sure the readers would appreciate it, and you'd stand out more in this whole writing world. x) I know you have the potential to do it, because you've shown you have it. And if this sounds like a bet, you can be sure that it is. ;]

I'm expecting to hear more from your poetry soon. :] Keep writing!

~GeeLyria

I liked this poem, and for all it's clichès I think you've got a pretty good poem on your hands.
I didn't like the fact that there was hardly any grammar rules taken into account.
For example:
"shes tired"
It's a possessive, so "she's"
Other than the obvious grammar mistakes, and the clichès, I liked it.
I loved the invisible cuts part. Like, seriously loved.
Keep writing, cause I know over time you're going to grow into a brilliant writer.

Sherlock

Hi niccoletta!

First, welcome to YWS! This is a great place to improve your writing and have fun along the way! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the site.

I liked the thing about the invisible cuts. It sort of twists the cliche "emo cutting poem".

Now, I'm going to be honest with you here: This piece falls pretty flat. I get that "she" is hurting, but I don't get why I, the reader, should care. The piece tells me a lot, but doesn't show me anything. How is she trying? Who or what is hurting her? How does she react to this? Using images and metaphors to convey what is happening will be a lot more engaging to the reader. There's a really good post in the Poetry Tutorials of the Knowledge Base called "Emotional Poetry" that explains how to express emotion without being uninteresting.

On a secondary note, I found the lack of capitalization and punctuation distracting. There's no set rules for these in poetry, but I generally recommend using the same rules as prose unless there's a darn good reason not to.

I feel like this piece has a compelling story behind it but I can't see it yet. Give me richer images that make me feel the emotions of this girl. I suggest reading poetry, checking out the Poetry Tutorials in the forums, joining in on Poetry Workshops, and reviewing pieces on here to improve your skills. And of course, keep writing!

she's stuck between 2 "worlds" isn't she. trying to be who she wants to be yet having to live up to others expectations. no one knows how much she's hurting, and probably sees her as a selfish being who lives only for herself... she's hurting so deep and no one realizes it, simply because she's not mutilating herself, in a way to get attention like some. instead she's bearing all the pain herself, yet desperate for help, without knowing how to cry out for it, except secretly in her heart, where no one can hear her, or is bothering to try, leaving her to die more and more slowly every day.