starlight

nicchaos wrote:You all know well the sun
the great giver of day. Alright, this is out of flow, since the rest of the stanza or poem for that matter, doesn't really speak with this same tone / style of voice.
Children play and flowers bloom
under its warming ray.

It gives us heat, it gives us light Well ofcourse it does, it's the sun. You don't really need to say this unless you're planning to give it some special meaning. Otherwise it's kinda pointless to mention that it does what every other star does, there's nothing special about that, right? So why mention something that isn't special? Everything should be special and advancing you toward that big idea. If you spend a lot of time describing things we can figure out ourselves, you lose a lot of time and it can ruin your poem. And this is shown throughout your poem.

it's all some ever know. Erm, how? You should describe this line a bit more, with some sort of simile or metaphor. Because this is a relitivly powerful line and it crashes into the ground.
The beauty that it gives to us What is beauty? This is blank description, it's subjective and needs to be defined.It is just beauty(whatever you think that is). Which is kinda boring and it takes us nowhere. This pretty much applies to every emotion and abstract concept. And instead of saying beauty, give an example with a beautiful image and we'll say, that's the beauty it gives to us, based on what you chose.
the knowledge that it shows What knowledge does a star show? Does it give us our left and our right, a path to follow? Or a web of ideas like light refracted through raindrops? This is pretty much the same as above.

However, the sun is not all
the sky can give to us. I like the connecting words between the ideas, but however makes it sound like you're writing a debate or something formal. It's too conscious of a word, if that makes sense. It's like using a lot of big fluent words in a sentence and then throwing in a curse word or two. It just doesn't fit with the words / ideas around it. It sounds like you're giving two sides of it but you're really not.
And I am sure you can find a better way to say that the sun is not all the sky gives to us. It's kinda too wordy, it's a drawn out sentence that doesn't need to be drawn out. You could simply save the time and say, the sky offers more than just the sun, and then go into what it offers and what that is like and describing what makes you want to say these kinds of things.
Very few of us know
a different kind of lust. This is pretty much out of place, you might want to get rid of this and the line above. and if you feel they are needed, ask if they help to support what you're trying to say, if they do, then keep them and try to change them to help fit into the poem better, if not, you can always delet them or come up with new lines to replace them.

There hangs in the sky, Okay, so why did you even write the above parts? This sounds like the beginning of a new poem and it could start from here, even. I'll add more to this below in the over all review.
at night when most do sleep, If you're going to say the moon is out, you don't need to mention that most are asleep, that's kinda redundent.
A sphere we call the moon. This is basicly a rough metaphor, you could just say the moon is a sphere. Which is also redundent, and of what importance is mentioning the moon is a sphere?
What a secret it does keep.

The moon shines its silver ray You could lose most of the above stanza. From a sphere we call the moon and up. You don't need to say that if you're just going to go and restate it so closely. You're repeating yourself which serves no purpose.
when all the world is night, If the moon is out ofcourse it's night, and you should show some sort of action that implies this. Like when the world sees it's silver rays, hopes begin for new days. Or something, and then you need to describe where that hope would come from, why it matters what it does for this poem and how it backs up what you're trying to say. Because so far, You've said NOTHING. There's no point or any real ideas in this, just unrelated description that has no meaning to it; no direction.
and gives rise to new beings
great mystery takes flight. Plural to singular? That's not good. Atleast make mystery into mysteries. And again, what good is mentioning the mystery unless you plan to expand upon this idea.

Even though it’s very hard
for any to survive, To survive what? You haven't explained anything happening.
under the moons chaos rays Moon's. And chaos rays? How are they chaos rays? What makes them chaotic? What do they do that is chaotic?
you don’t live, you thrive. I thought it was hard to survive? And all of a sudden I'm thriving? Why? There's no action or plot or anything for me to follow. This doesn't make sense. And you don't need to go through and deeply describe everything like I am asking you to, you just need to describe enough that I can piece togeather what you mean, or even come to my own conclusion. And so far, I can't.

It’s what we do not understand
why are they free and wild? Who? the rays? There's a lot more that I'm not understanding. If it is the rays, why not put it back up there where they're mentioned? And this doesn't connect to the last stanza, I was thriving and now I don't understand something that is free and wild? Or is it the people who are thiving that are free and wild? If so, who are they, what makes them thrive and how does this relate back to the the sun and the moon?
The knowledge and beauty they bring forth
is quite a mystery. What knowledge? What beauty? How is it a mystery? You can't exactly use that here, because you cannot describe a mystery, which wouldn't make it mysterious anymore. Maybe if you gave them things to do and gave it some sort of mysterious action, then it could be seen as a mystery. Saying moons move like mazes, wearing secret codes like partially covered tattoos. Some sort of relation that can let us get a better of idea of how they're mysterious.

Mystery is what it is You just said that.
the movement and the form. Refer to what has been said above.
And they believe us ourselves Believe us ourselves? This is really awkwardly phrased, it's just not how we speak. If you rephrased this so something like: and they believe we are something to adorn, it would make much more sense.
are something to adorn.

You all adore each other Who? Why? How? And how does this even relate to everything else being said?
And when the passions meet What passions, you haven't described any passions.
The moon and sun are starlight Alright, a metaphor, but what does starlight mean? You said very special and unique but what is that? How is it special and unique?
Very special and unique.

Over all: (this will be very out of order)

The sun and moon ideas in the above stanzas. You go and talk about the sun, and then you move to the moon,but how do they relate to eachother except for the stars at night and the sun being a star, that they both are found in the sky and they light up. Cool, but what does that mean? Why should we care? Why did you mention it? There's no real connection or contrast or anything that gives us an over all idea of what you're working toward. It confuses us because of the lack of connection.

Poetry can be like writing an essay, all your ideas and descriptions have to work togeather to help provide that over all point. And I don't believe that your first stanzas really follow this.

Also, speaking of that, you have no direction or flow of ideas and you describe everything very directly and subjectivily. Which is boring, because there is nothing for us to figure out. When I say figure out, I mean along the lines of figuring out what you're trying to say; a hidden message, if you will. But back to the direction, what are you trying to say with this poem? How can you show it? What actions and things within your world can you use as tools to describe what you want to say?

Also, you repeat yourself a lot and the new ideas that you bring into this poem are vague. They are never expanded upon and do not connect with eachother enough to make any sense. If you went along with a chain of events of how this all works and happens, we could possibly see how what's happening in the poem relates to something in the world, an unspoke relation / metaphor to the real world / subject matter of the poem. (the hidden message.)
You could do this with anything so long as you can find all the right connections, and you surely have a lot things that relate to the sun / moon / sky, that you can incorperate into this poem. And make it into something that can be followed and understood.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.

Alright I'm first. Well first off I really like this poem especially since I was ready over your shoulder as you were typing it at my house. So while it's still fresh I'll comment. No spelling errors for once so thats good. There was some spacing issues though. No grammar problems that I can see. I have two problems, one with this stanza.

However, the sun is not all
the sky can give to us.
Very few of us know
a different kind of lust.

Once again the spacing but also how you used lust as a transition word. I don't know maybe it's just me but another way to put it could be.
However, the sun is not all
the sky can give
Very few of us know
What else let's us live

Anyway it's your call.

The other is this part here.

Even though it’s very hard
for any to survive,
under the #FF0000 ">moons chaos raysyou don’t live, you thrive.

While typing this review and talking to you I suddenly realized why this stanza sounded so weird. you used a three nouns in a row. I recommend you change chaos to chaotic.

Anyway Good job.!!! Now I need to get back to hanging with Nick XD