Why do we love each other?
I have not,
perhaps cannot love,
but I will tell you what I know.
The reason we love is because,
as humans,
we are imperfect
and seek to become perfection.
We are all different and,
to be sure,
we have differing
tastes and imperfections to fill.
We are like puzzle pieces,
which are,
by basic design,
meant to be connected and held.
And just like puzzle pieces,
only one
can complete us
to make us a new entity.
And though it tears when we seprate,
the chaos
will reform us
into a new need to fill.
Many who want the pieces together
will search
their whole lives,
trying different pieces until it fits.
Even though a piece might want
a piece
that looks good
the beauty is in the binding.
And if the binding is complete
the piece
will never want
anything more, save to create a beautiful picture.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I agree with the above points and wish not to re-write them all out. But what I want to elaborate more on is the fact offff:
There is no natural rythem... and you really want the reader(s) to feel a natural flow and beat to a poem. Most of the time your wording will give a beat, and it should/will be very easy to carry on to, and follow. But... In a way this was like... a lecture... or even a list.... I would say if you re-worded it would be a poem... but this was more like:
Why is the sky blue?
The sky is simply blue because when
The colors in the sky
Mix, and create color
The only color that does not show up
Is blue
And that is why the sky is blue
It's like that... but VERY VERY much more thought out than that... that was just a.... very random thought that probably needed not to be said.
But minus how terribly I wrote that... your 'poem' was a little list like... and neds a little beat to carry it... plus it will give the reader a MUCHH better feel and possibly show them more emotion.
AND----- I REALLY LIKED IT! It was a very good idea, and it might have a few problems but I REALLY REALLY liked it and it seemed to have a good idea behind it, and a little emotion! I liked it and hope to read more! (:
I agree with all of Quibbler's points. If you want this piece to stand out among the millions of musings about love being a puzzle, you'll need to work really hard to give it a unique spin. Also, there is very little in the way of poetic language here. It reads like a list of unusually formatted statements. Think about exactly what you have to say to make the reader feel what you want them to. Rather than telling me something, I want you to try to make me feel it.
Keep writing.
I hope that helps at least a little bit
Okay, I'm not a poet myself (I find the process incredibly difficult and constraining, with the power of diction being tenfold in importance), but I'll do my best to help critique this and help elaborate on the things that went wrong here:
1) The idea of true love being like a puzzle is a cliche that has become worn out and old. Now, this doesn't mean that the metaphor is entirely useless, but it does mean that you need to work extra hard to present something new when you use it. There are two ways that you can do this:
+ Unique Insight
This involves expanding a metaphor or examining it in a new way that involves more than just going on about how two pieces fit together perfectly, just as love will. There's lots of other things I could think of that concerning the puzzle analogy that would help it be unique, but coming up with them is up to you.
+ Unique Narration
While this often goes hand in hand with insight, it can be different. Basically, you attract readers to your piece by offering up a fresh perspective. I'll use the novel The Book Thief as an example. There are thousands of books written about the Holocaust, and many will continue along in obscurity. But Zusak's novel became a bestseller because he brought a creative narration that set it apart.
I'm not saying you should alter you absolutely must alter your writing style, but you need to take advantage of your quirks and individuality in order to develop a piece that breaks away from others like it if you want to make it memorable.
2) I feel like this piece lacks a natural rhythm, which is fundamental to poetry. Try reading your piece out loud. Hopefully it shall draw your attention to the jagged, choppy nature of the prose.
Not all writers condone reading their work out loud as a method of improving their prose, since reading is a mental act and not a verbal one. But I feel that it is an effective tool until you can better develop your internal editor.
3) Some of the choppiness comes from the syntax of the piece. If you remove the formatting, it reads like prose. Poetry is not prose. It is allowed to have its own unique formatting to help accompany its nature. Most of the good poets that I have read create pieces that would not translate as well if the line breaks were removed, and the formatting is essential to the poem.
I hope this brings clarity to your work! Good luck and happy writing!