Year: 15
Entry log: 741-395
The fight is still raging, and I still still sit on the sidelines observing. The light and the darkness continue to try and destroy each other, just as they had been sense before I arrived. They both continue to be evenly matched.
But today, I have seen something that has changed my whole perspective.
I got up the courage to go to the conflict line, the front line. This is where there are the most casualties. When I arrived there, I saw terrible carnage, as expected. But amidst all the fighting, I saw that there was an area of calm. Upon further examination, I saw that the light and darkness were existing next to each other quietly, perhaps even comfortably. This astounded me. I had always thought that light and darkness we opposite and would cancel each other out. But light and darkness can mingle and produce unreal things. Case in point, as I went back to my observation post, I saw the day on my left and the night on my right. Behind me was rage. And in front of me was something of unspeakable beauty.
Dawn
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there, Nicchaos!
Here as requested.
First of all, I have to agree with Abigail's suggestion; you might want to move this under "Other" poetry. It's because the format of this is a bit diverse than that of the actual.
Few nitpicks:
The red denotes that I don't get that part or is pretty confusing. Do you mean to say: "...just as they have been, since before I arrive." I'm not quite sure though. So I suggest you might want to make that line comprehensible or try rephrasing that.
I suppose this is a bit repetitive. Carnage are basically expected to be terrible and then you say: "as expected".
Two adverbs is not suitable here. I mean, use better description or portray to us more. Don't tell to us they are 'quietly' or 'comfortably' next to each other. I suggest you give this line a tinge of vivacity.
I like the imagery you've set in here. The ending is fairly promising but I don't like how you use weak verbs such as the word "was". I mean, there are like good words out there that you can use, so you should widen up more your vocabulary.
#0000FF ">When all's said and done...
The concept behind this interest me which actually grabs my attention from the first word until the very last one. But then again, I recommend that you use good words and better description since this is a poem you are writing and not a short story or something (though this can turn out into a good story piece too). Also, I would like to suggest that you imply a prosaic format or devices. Like for example, you might want to separate that paragraph into lines or fewer sentences and add syllabic pattern or something. Really, the concept is presented beautifully but how you've written it looks a bit informal or something related to that. Lastly, I have to say this has potential. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out!
~yuri
Whoa! That was awesome! The metaphor, everything! However, it wasn't exactly poetry. I mean, it didn't have line breaks or figurative language -- except, of course, for the underlying metaphor. I might classify this under "Other." It is more of a war journal than anything else. But it doesn't matter. Unbelievably good work right here.
Your a good writer, i can see that, but for some reason the whole idea didn't really interest me, but that's just me, not you.
my favorite part was though
i think you ended that quite nicely.
You know your work is good, when someone doesn't find your topic interesting, but is hooked by your ending. I mean that as a compliment.
Very nice, my dear friend.
Smart, nice way of putting it.I don't quite get this part. Do you mean ' had seen sense?'
This is beautifully written. ( produce*) rather than produces. Very clever.
And in front of me was something of unspeakable beauty.
Dawn --- Absolutely wondderful way of finishing it off! Well done! Really cleverly and nicely written overall!