How am i supposed to breathe,
If i'm swimming through waves?
How is it possible to see,
If sight is a blurry haze?
How am i supposed to cry,
If i've run out of tears?
How am i going to listen,
If i dont want to hear?
How can i go forward,
If i'm scared of the future?
How am i supposed to care,
If i dont know how to nurture?
How can i forget what happened,
If i'm permanently scarred?
How can i happy,
If my life's been hard?
How am i supposed to eat,
If i'm scared of choking?
How am i supposed to love,
If my heart is broken...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
okay,first this a very nice piece of work,I think there could be room for improvement ,I think you made a good use of questioning.
This is sad, but it was just a little weak...questions can do that to a poem. All the same, I think it was pretty relateable and emotional. One thing -
I think "so hard" would be better, just because it sounds a little whiny without it. Other than that, follow everyone else's critiques and I think you'll have an even better piece than you have now, which is already pretty good in my opinion.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Hmm, I agree this needs work, it's just a bunch of interesting questions right now. Not terrible, but not overly exciting or enjoyable to read...Work on imagery and add some substance to this, then it could be really terrific!
Well, after reading the first two questions; I think you might not have enough substance in this poem to make the questions more powerful and really ring out to us. Perhaps if you wraped these questions around some actions and/or imagery as to why these questions are being asked. It would give us something to relate to and make the poem more enjoyable.
Okay, I've read the entire poem. Questions are cool, and everybody likes to use them, the problem is that they don't help your poetry too much. Simple questions like these are limited, because they can only give an emotional response. And they don't tell us anything further than that: How you're feeling.
I believe if you experimented a little, by adding in some more objects to this poem, such as the trees and waves and give them actions, or descriptions of what they are and how they work. Saying like: Breathing is hard when waves are swimming through you. Blackening your lungs as they kill off your body , you are an object of the night sky, locked within this black sea.
Now, don't use that but that is just a beginning example of tieing in basic imagery.
And finally, those uncapitalized letter I's. I like 'em. The reason why I like them is because they can be a subtle clue as to how you feel. You're not quite as big as you can be, you're not grown up or you just feel small. It's a tool that I am glad to see you use, becuase you obviously know how to use the shift key.
I vote that you keep them.
Good luck, keep writing;
Silented1.
this is so sad. I love it! try to make a story out of what you'r feeling.
I have to admit, and this will sound harsh, it's a little shameful that somebody can't just press a shift key. It's laziness. If you're going to post something you need it at its finest.
However, I am impressed with the constant questioning and the slant rhyme. This is in need of MAJOR improvement, in my opinion, but I believe this could be a grand piece.