Published September 1, 2010
Author's Note: Special Thanks To
Wanda Perez(Imaginemymind), for being a good friend and the reason I got inspired to start writing again. Without her there would be no “Book Of Shadows” series because she’s my best critic.
-Prologue
Unlike normal families that pass down jewelry, books, money, etc. The Halliwell passed down magic. Oh yeah a long generation of good witches, but that can change any moment. Many evil demons are after the book of shadows. Its the most important possession of a witch and it holds many content on different spells and the power of 3. The book is a guide to all witches and shall remain this way. But what if the mother of this new generation of witches made the mistake of not telling her daughters about their magic or any period? Marie made this mistake, thinking she was protecting her 3 daughters from evil. Instead she put them that much closer to danger because once a witch always a witch.
Everything , Leah, Liana, & Loretta had thought were fantasies are reality. They felt betrayed by their family for not telling them about magic. Now they only have themselves to figure everything out while kicking some serious demon ass.
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140,788 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...this one is meant to be a prologue by the way you've titled this, but I have to say on first glance this really isn't a prologue. This is much more suited to being something like a blurb than anything else...and that's not a bad thing by any means, its just that putting this as a prologue wouldn't be a good idea. A prologue is meant to be more of a sort of extra scene that either becomes relevant later in the story or details an event sometime in the past or something of the sort. This is essentially a plot summary but its vague enough there to pass for a blurb.
That said though, analyzing this as a blurb and the premise for a story, this is sounding pretty interesting here. You've got some good idea flowing there with the idea of this world with witches and demons and of this particular situation where a family trying to protect their children end up only causing more problems for them. Its an interesting idea and I think it could certainly make for an interesting story, it certainly sounds interesting enough that I'd read on from this point.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, Here to review!
Spelling:
I didn't see many grammical errors, which is always a good thing
OVERALL:
This is too short. Make it longer, I know you can. I hate to say this, but I agree with some of the people before me. You kind of just dumped all the information in there. You can do a WAY better job. Try to think of a way that you can incoorporate all this information in a better manner. BUT, I still think it's good. It has alot of potentical. Plus as everyone knows when it comes to writing theres never a final draft. There's always things that can be fixed. -Imaginemymind..
Keep on writing your very good !
Hi there,
While prologues set the scene for the book, and help create the world and situation, it is not a place for an information dump. This prologue was kind of an information dump.
I would take your time with this- the first installment in a book is where you catch the reader's attention. You want to best demonstrate the tone for the rest of the book, your style, how reading the rest of it will be like. You don't want it to be rushed. I would get rid of the phrasing that makes it seem like things are just passing thoughts. "Oh yeah" is an example of that. You want every detail to be important to the reader. It also sounds like the sentence following "Oh yeah" was important- you don't want it overlooked.
All numbers under (at least) ten should be spelled out, rather than using the digit.
I would also pay more attention to your grammar. I saw many instances in which the sentence could be eased up with a comma. Make sure not to overuse them, but they really do help the reader find a good flow.
So, overall, I think that this sounds like a really interesting book, but I would slow down in the prologue. Try transitioning between subjects more. You don't need to give everything away or anything, but take it slow. Description is your friend. Information dumps are not good. Nice write and concept.
-Coral-
(If you have any questions or anything, just ask. I'd be happy to help.)
Normally writers don't review works where the writer hasn't reviewed anyone elses work...but I'll make a exception.
Unlike normal families that pass down jewelry, books, money, etc. (putting etc. here sounds bad. Try saying something like "and the like".) The Halliwell passed down magic. (The Halliwell sounds like one person/being. It's a family, it should be Th Halliwell's.) Oh yeah NEVER use "Oh yeah," in writing. It just sounds bad.) a long generation of good witches, but that can change any moment. Many evil demons are after the Book of Shadows. (You could probably combine those last two sentences.) It's the most important possession of a witch and it holds many content on different spells and the Power of 3. The book is a guide to all witches and shall remain this way. (The past couple of sentences could be rearranged to flow more clearly.) But what if the mother of this new generation of witches made the mistake of not telling her daughters about their magic or any period? (Any what? Magic?) Marie made this mistake, thinking she was protecting her three daughters from evil. (Always type out small numbers as words, like 3 (three) and 0 (zero).) Instead she put them that much closer to danger because once a witch, always a witch. (This first paragraph sounds more like a summary then a prologue.)
First Opinion: rushed. This prologue is just a blast of facts and details, and it's actually boring to read. It's like reading a list of someone's chores that you need to do for them: boring, you want to get on with it, but you know that you need to read it. So just slow down!
In-Depth Analysis:
Spoiler
Everything , Leah, Liana, & Loretta had thought were fantasies is actually reality. (What did they think was fantasy? Magic? Amazing brownies? What?) They felt betrayed by their family for not telling them about magic. Now they only have themselves to figure everything out while kicking some serious demon ass.This last sentence doesn't sound right to me. Also, don't use the phrase "serious demon ass". It sounds childish.)
Overal: A pretty good start! Just add a TON more detail and slow things down, and this will be a winner!
- G
Howdy Newbornwriter xD I'm going to review your work today
-Prologue
Unlike normal families that pass down jewelry,I think you mean jewellery books, money, etc. The Halliwell passed down magic. Oh yeah a long generation of good witches, but that can change any moment. Many evil demons are after the book of shadows. Its the most important possession of a witch and it holds many content on different spells and the power of 3.I'm not sure that this sentence entirely makes sense! The book is a guide to all witches and shall remain this way. But what if the mother of this new generation of witches made the mistake of not telling her daughters about their magic or any period?What do you mean by any period? Marie made this mistake, thinking she was protecting her 3 daughters from evil. Instead she put them that much closer to danger because once a witch always a witch.
Everything , Leah, Liana, & Loretta had thought were fantasies are reality. They felt betrayed by their family for not telling them about magic. Now they only have themselves to figure everything out while kicking some serious demon ass.
Overall I think this is good but you just need to sit down and make sure your sentencing makes sense, I understand it is a prologue so you don't want to give anything away, but you have to make sure that your sentences flow enough so that the reader can kind of hint at what your getting at, leaving them intirely clueless only confuses them.
Other than that it is really good, well done XD