When refulgence was stolen,
to obscure somber I've fallen,
'till came dazzle from my sweet delights-
'You are my light!'
When I am up a blind alley,
roads to walk on cipher; lost paths really,
'till twenty three skidoos by reasons-
'You are my respectable direction!'
When battles with devil's advocates would pull my plug
and out of the blue I can't cut the mustard
'till someone bent over backwards to rescue-
'You are my heroine too!'
When exhilaration was juvenile
and to misery I would kneel;
plunged into crisis, waiting for guidance to blist-
'You are my happiness, my humorist!'
When presented with millions of inquiries,
no rejoins to respond, no answers to subsist,
'till someone enlightened and brought illuminations-
'You are my reason!'
When I found an evening star,
stimulating astounding hallucinations in this blur,
enticing every stimulus-
'You are my Venus!'
These sublime phantasms and awful torments;
angels versus demon battles and dramatic events;
never will I mind- no more upkeepings
'cause 'You are my everything!'
P.S. COPYRIGHTED! Originality is an arch!
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with KA, your imagery is definitely unique. One of the main problems I had with the poem, though, was that many of your ideas seemed incomplete or to depend on an entirely unconventional use of language, which is detrimental to the sense of the poem - such as the use of "somber" and "blist."
Also, as KA said, there is some choppiness to your lines that detracts from the overall flow of the poem. If I were you, I'd work on smoothing out those areas, and evening out your line length a little so it isn't so abrupt.
Otherwise, a nice piece. Kudos, and welcome to YWS.
Cheers,
~bubbles
You use the most interesting wording. It's very new and quite original. It doesn't echo the imagery of any other poets and still it gives a very vivid picture.
Perhaps the only problem I see with this poem is the way it flows. It flows ok but sometimes the last line in your stanzas is either too short or too long and when I read it, it soudns quite choppy. It deducts some of the magic from this poem, honestly.
Although, I must say this again, I absolutely adore your wording.
Good luck. Keep writing.
--Knightly