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Phantasm:Prologue and Chapter one (Part one)

by nevermore


This is my first novel ever. Hope to accomplish it accordingly. I must have put it in the non-fiction category 'cause this can really happen in real life. Anyway, the settings - name of the places and other - were fictionish.. Hope you'll like it.

Critiques or any other replies (compliments if you like =)) will be very much appreciated... Hope you'll put one. (Or else, I won't post the next part or chapter..hehe, peace out!)

I just changed the title of this chapter... just obeying some advices.

PHANTASM

Prologue:

Some people were born to contemplate death. With an extraordinary ability, they were accoutered to help – help until they found themselves against the pull of the earth.

I was one of them and I felt very glorious, very blessed.

Yes, I chose to help yet preferred to live a normal life. Though I was certain that I couldn’t be normal like anybody else, I still tried my best and put all the possibilities to be one.

I contradicted my fate and found victory.

When my loved ones departed, that was the moment this gift showed me its true worth. It was excellent, very exceptional.

I still lived normally, although having decided to utilize this gift. Hence, I lived extraordinarily normal.

Living extraordinarily helped me be very much equipped to the various challenges of the world, of life, and even beyond what was present in this dimension.

Existing normally was always an option I chose. Anyway, I was born normal and forever will be. I was just blessed with an extraordinary ability.

Having life as such, I was capable of experiencing happiness, sorrow, hatred and love. Indeed, among these experiences, love was the most subtle. And I felt very fortunate to find one.

She looked at me in a very enrapturing manner as she walked past through me.

Chapter One: Emergency: Part One:

I continued to run at speed – gasping for more air. The cold breeze rushed past my face. I felt like shuddering.

There was intense silence, except for my hard breathing. Darkness covered everything. I couldn’t even ascertain where I was heading and the gloomy path seemed to be endless.

I was as if benighted by my greatest incubus.

I looked over my shoulder and saw the lady still chasing me. She wore a white dress that seemed to be inconspicuous with her very pale skin. Her exquisite face was emotionless while her ethereal strands of hair beckoned with the soft whispers of the wind.

She moved very smoothly. Neither one of her bare feet touched the ground. She was floating – floating gracefully.

My body trembled with fear.

My energy dropped off. A few seconds later, I tripped over a rock and fell to the ground.

I lay my palms on the ground and tried my best to carry myself, but my body seemed uncooperative. I turned my head ninety degrees and saw the lady beside me.

She raised her hand toward me – goose bumps covered almost my entire body. Then, I realized that she was trying to help me. Shortly, my breath went back to normal – I was relaxed. I put out my hand to reach hers and then –

“Ring, Ring…” my clock alarmed. I opened my eyes slowly (ring, ring) and hit the button above the silver clock beside me. It’s six o’clock.

I lifted half of my body and paused for a moment, pondering my dream as I looked at the sky-blue-colored wall adorned with a nice piece of art that my dad painted. It depicted an evening in a very silent and old town lit by the enthralling moon and delighting stars

It was a nightmare, like any other nightmares I used to have every night. And if I am going to think of that as such, then every single day could be a nightmare for me.

“Better get going," I muttered to myself. I took a deep breath and got up from the bed.

I raised my hands and did some stretching. I twisted my body and felt very relieved. A huge grin flashed on my face as I realized that I remained asleep for eight hours with only one position – supine. It was a very rare happening for I suffer Somnambulism – sleepwalking. And sometimes, I just found myself eating a very heavy meal not knowing who prepared it, or worst, driving my car and very lost.

After making my bed, I headed to the bathroom just beside my room. As usual, someone was inside though it wasn’t locked at all. It was Tracy, taking a shower.

“You forgot to lock the door,” I said, loud enough for her to hear.

“Oh, sorry!” Tracy said in a very sweet voice.

“It’s alright. Just don’t forget next time,” I said, hoping against hope as I waited beside the door.

Suddenly, my bladder complained. It felt like it was going to burst in a moment.

“Tracy, faster, please!” I said, my voice whining.

“Right away!” she said. I crossed my fingers and in no time, the plastic door opened.

Tracy looked very rushed. Water droplets kept falling from her hair.

“Thanks," I said hurriedly.

I hurried to the bowl and then pissed. After, I washed my hands followed by some sprinkles of cold water on my face. Very refreshing.

I went out of the bathroom and saw Tracy across, standing on the terrace, and, as usual, crying. She was rubbing her pallid cheeks with the sleeves of her flesh bath robe. I headed toward her in a very andante manner.

Before I could reach her and let her cry on my shoulder, my cellphone rang. I turned my back, ignoring her – anyway, I have been alleviating her feelings for years – and went to my room, where I put my phone last night, as far as I remember.

The sound was getting louder and louder as I stepped closer to my room. I opened the wooden door and went directly to my newly bought desk. My phone wasn’t there. I still remembered putting it there last night after I studied my lessons. Or maybe I had just misplaced it.

Scurrying, I searched every place I could have put it –within the wooden book shelves, over the dusty bedside table and other la mesas, inside my antique wardrobe or even underneath my bed – as the phone continued to ring. It must be an emergency for no one would be interested on calling, unless it is such. Cellphone load has been a great burden in this global recession therefore, text messages are more preferred. Hence, mobile companies continued to bombard our nation with promos. How smashing.

All of a sudden, the ring tone ceased. “Too bad,” I sighed.

I sat on my bed, thinking where I could have put my phone and who the one calling was. I took a short glance at the clock and figured out that it was seven thirty in the morning. An hour and a half had passed since I woke up. Good thing it was Saturday, no classes, but I needed to do some housekeeping and some part time jobs.

I stood up idly. My phone rang, again. Surprisingly, as my eyes caught a sight of my desk, I saw my Nokia-N73-phone lying atop my Psychology book, buzzing.

“There you are!” I said, grimacing with a twist of curiosity. I headed to my phone.

Before I could touch it, I heard someone giggling behind me. I turned my head and saw my wardrobe closed.

“Matthew, I know you're there,” I said, rolling my eyes, “You’re joshing me again. Please, not now. This is urgent.”

Matthew was my very mirthful friend. He’s just eight years of age. Even though he liked to trick and to deceive me, I loved having him around.

The door opened, revealing Matthew with a big grin on his very pale face. His achromatic hair seemed very disarray, as if banged.

“Haha,” Matthew said, “I got you again.”

“Fine, fine,” I said, getting my phone, “Just a moment and I’ll let you have a taste of your own medicine.”

I looked at my phone and saw Ken’s name on the screen. He’s my best bud.

“Hey, what’s up?” I said, turning away my gaze from Matthew.

“Oh, good day, sir,” someone answered in a very pleasing voice, “I have been calling you for a while. I’m Lyn Sandoval, a nurse of Eastwood Medical Center, and I’m sad to inform you that your friend has been brought here, in our emergency room, after having encountered an accident.”

“What kind of accident?” I muttered in haste. “Is he conscious? Alright? Severely injured?”

My heart has been beating faster.

“Car accident,” she said, “At the moment, he’s conscious but he committed some serious injuries.”

“Oh, can I talk to him?” I said, frowning.

“He can’t talk right now,” she said, “He’s been enduring the pain. And I would like to inform you that he’s asking for your support.”

“Okay, then,” I said, taking a short pause, “I’ll be there in a moment.”

“Thank you, sir. Goodbye!” she said.

“Thanks, bye!” I said, pushing the button to end the call.

I took a deep breath and my heartbeat went back to normal. I hope he’ll recover soon. I have been alone for years and my friends were my only normal companions. Losing them would mean end of the world, for me.

I leaned at the desk and prayed, closing my eyes.

I remembered how my parents died of a car accident two years ago, leaving me behind. It could have been very hard to recover, if weren’t for my friends and my very exceptional ability. They really helped me a lot, to be whole again, to be back to the square one.

I survived every year, on my own naturally. My relatives offered a lot of help, which I rejected. Secluding myself could be better – I wouldn’t be under them – and it worked out. Besides, I was at the right age to be independent – seventeen by that time.

Thus, for a normal eye, I must be alone. Nevertheless, on my own perspective, I wasn’t and I felt very much overwhelmed by this fact.

I gasped, flinched and walked out of the room.

I saw Matthew having childish talks with Tracy, which was great. Tracy was now wearing a big grin on her face.

I went inside the petty and poorly ventilated bathroom to take a shower. I let the water touched my yellow skin and realized that I was very much adapted to this kind of temperature – even though living in a tropical country, Phantasia – because of my extraordinary experiences.

After I showered, I put on my bathrobe and went inside my room to dress up. I wore my typical outfit – straight-cut jeans and a blue shirt.

I bolted downstairs; it’s more refulgent and a lot more ventilated in here. The chromatic wall (avocado green) refracted the sunrays well. I took tonic breaths and took my last step from the stairs onto the tile. Across, the white curtains swayed with the rhythm of the breeze. Somebody must have opened the windows, again.

I dashed to the kitchen-dining room – walking past the almond colored lounge and the 32-inch television – and saw someone sitting on the dining chair, reading a broad newspaper.

“Good Morning, son,” he greeted, lowering down the newspaper and exposing his very pale face with a jolly smile on. His bald head was very familiar to me.

It’s my dad, my must-be-long-gone father.


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21 Reviews


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Wed Jun 24, 2009 8:20 pm
Miss Ching wrote a review...



Hi! You have a really interesting story. You kept me reading 'till the end and not many stories can do that. I'm a naturally lazy person so if there isn't anything that pops out at me from the beginning, I'm out. But this story started out with a slightly heart-pumping scene. It was enough to keep me reading and I think that this is an excellent beginning to your novel.

I also have a nitpick of my own. Though it's not actually a part of the story, it was one that nobody else talked about and I thought I should say something, so that you might have a chance to change it.

This is my first novel ever. Hope to accomplish it accordingly. I must have put it on non-fiction category 'cause this can really happen on real life.

It should be "in the non-fiction... in real life"

Yeah. I could be wrong though, I'm not too sure what you're trying to say here. Sorry to be so picky but ... yeah. =)
Good job!




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Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:10 pm
lovly_audrey wrote a review...



Hey Nevermore!
I really loved your story. It was very interesting I can't wait to read the next part. =)
I'm wondering though. The bald man at the end that said "Good morning, son." Who is that? I thought his parents died in a car crash? And I'd like more information about Tracy soon too. Still it was great.
Okay a few things I saw..
I continued to run at the top of my speed
For some reason, I just really don't like this phrase. maybe if it was: I continued to run at top speed.

She moved very smoothly. Neither one of her bare foot touched the ground.
[It should be Feet, Neither one of her bare feet touched the ground.]

I lifted half of my body and paused for a moment, pondering my dream as I looked at the sky-blue-colored wall adorned with a nice piece of art that my dad painted. It depicted an evening in a very silent and old town lit by the enthralling moon and delighting stars.
I Love the detail in this.

Her wet black hair kept on dropping droplets of water.
This sentence seems redundant. [Dropping Droplets.] Maybe Water droplets kept running down her hair.


Anyway except for that I really liked your story!! =)




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Mon May 18, 2009 1:49 am
sugarxsnow wrote a review...



Taga-PINAS kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! *cheers*


I'm also from the Philippines! :D


I'm Katrina, but you can call me Kat-kat or Katie for short~ I'll be your critic for the moment~




First off...



Some people were born to contemplate death. With an extraordinary ability, they were accoutered to help – help until they found themselves against the pull of the earth.



~Beautiful opening. If anything, grim topics are those which interests me the most. ;) I give you a pat on the back.



When my loved ones departed, that was the moment I felt this gift very valuable. It was excellent, very exceptional.



~The emphasized line seems kinda offset. Let's try: "The moment my loved ones departed, this gift showed me its true worth." Or something like that. :wink:
~The second line: "It was excellent; very exceptional."

Why don't you try to elaborate just a little bit more on this? I'm not telling you to overdo it, though. Just a liiiiiittle bit more... Yup, you're almost there.



I still lived normally, although having decided to utilize this gift. Hence, I lived extraordinarily normal.




~Try: "...although I've decided to utilize this gift."
~Loved the second line. I can relate. Other people must have it easy and breezy, eh... :roll:



Living extraordinarily helped me be very much equipped to the various challenges of the world, of life, and even beyond what was present in this dimension.



~Now you're talking! This is quite a good paragraph.


Existing normally was always an option I chose. Anyway, I was born normal and forever will be. I was just blessed with an extraordinary gift.




~Frankly, in my case, I view it as a curse. :P Anyway, the word 'gift' is getting redundant. Replace it with another term, perhaps 'ability'? It can also apply. ;) I've noticed the same thing with the word existing. So, revise.



She looked at me in a very enrapturing manner as she walked past through me.




~"Through" him? Through? As in through a hole, through a solid wall, through the door? Is he intangible? Clear this up for us. Maybe you meant "right past me". Also, the use of enrapturing captivates me. :smt023



On with the next!


I continued to run at the top of my speed – gasping for more air. The cold breeze rushed past my face. I felt like shuddering.



~"I continued to run as fast as my legs could carry me, gasping for air. The cold breeze blew right past my face. I shuddered."
~The use of the - sign is irrelevant. A comma would do. Also, the word 'more' ruins the flow of the sentence a wee bit, so omit that. The term 'rushed' used as a verb for the behavior of the wind is offset. The wind doesn't rush, lovvie. It just comes and goes as it pleases.
~The phrase 'I felt like shuddering' is quite confusing. Usually, when you shudder, you shudder involuntarily. Rarely do we shudder voluntarily. Shuddering is an impulse reaction of our bodies.



There was intense silence, except for my hard breathing. Darkness covered everything. I couldn’t even ascertain where I was heading and the gloomy path seemed to be endless.



~"My breathing broke through the intense silence which filled my ears. Darkness engulfed everything. I couldn't even decipher where I was heading to and the gloomy paths seemed to wind endlessly in front of me."



I was as if benighted by my greatest incubus.




Ze what, mon cheri? This is confusing. What do you mean by this? It doesn't quite connect to the previous paragraphs.



I looked over my shoulder and saw the lady still chasing me. She wore a white dress that seemed to be inconspicuous with her very pale skin. Her exquisite face was emotionless while her ethereal strand of hair beckoned with the soft whispers of the wind.




~"I looked over my shoulder and saw her still running after me. Her white dress seemed to be inconspicuous with her very pale skin. Her exquisite face was emotionless while the ethereal strands of hair flitted with the soft breeze."

~ It seems to me that in this paragraph, all you were doing is using pretty words to make the description seem deep, but in truth, it hardly had any sense to it. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but frankly, that is how I see this.




She moved very smoothly. Neither one of her bare foot touched the ground. She was floating – floating gracefully.



~"She moved swiftly and gracefully as she ran. Her barren feet barely touched the cold ground. It was as if she was floating."
~Like I've said above, you are just using pretty words to cover up the lack of imagery. You are also using the - sign wrongly. I suggest that you refrain from using it until you have a better sense of when to and when not to use this sign as you describe. Trust me, I know. It takes quite some time to get used to it.



My energy dropped off. A few seconds later, I tripped over a rock and fell to the ground.


~"My strength began to escape my frail limbs. A few moments later, I stumbled over a rock and fell face flat onto the ground."
~Note my usage of words. Y'see, you can create a grand image without using grand words. It just makes the whole point blurry and somewhat cliche. Comprenade?
:smt023




Ahh... I'm tired. :smt012 I'll come back again some other time to continue my already epic and long review. All in all, I give this a rating of average-very good. ;) Just work on it a little bit more, and Voila! You've got yourself a won-der-ful superb-tastic fantabulous story. :wink: Bad pun, I know, but eh, I liked this.



PM me if you need anything else. :D




Keep it up~ :smt051





+ Katie




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Sun May 17, 2009 4:10 am
Hippie wrote a review...



Overall I think this is a solid beggining to a story. Considering it's only halfway through the first chapter, the main character's personality is coming together nicely, and he doesn't feel stereotyped, so good work with character development.

Just a few little things you might like to consider.

“Better get going," I muttered to myself.


I don't think he should talk to himself - who does that? Just say I thought, or something like that.

hoping against hope as I waited beside the door.


This is a little confusing. I assume it means he hopes she'll remember to lock the door next time, but doesn't think she will. Different wording would be better I think.

All of a sudden, the ring tone ceased. “Too bad,” I sighed.


Again, he's talking to himself.

I took a short glance at the clock and figured out that it was seven thirty in the morning. An hour and a half had passed since I woke up.


So it took him an hour and a half to get up, pee, and look for his phone. I got the sense that it had only been a couple of minutes he'd been up before you said this.

I saw my Nokia-N73-phone lying atop my Psychology book, buzzing.


Instead of saying Nokia N73, perhaps give a description. Having details is good, but I doubt many people will know what an exact model of phone looks like - unless it's an iphone or something well known like that (I know nothing about mobile phones though - maybe it's just me that doesn't know what an N73 looks like).

“Car accident,” she said, “At the moment, he’s conscious but he committed some serious injuries.”


I think saying received some serious injuries would work better. Committed doesn't seem like the right word.

Then he has a shower. If my friend was in a critical state in hospital from a car crah I wouldn't waste time having a shower, I'd be rushing straight to the hospital.

I bolted downstairs; it’s more refulgent and a lot more ventilated in here. The chromatic wall (avocado green) refracted the sunrays well.


This has way too many complicated words in it - Refulgent, chromatic, refracted. I don't know what refulgent means. I have a slight idea of what chromatic means. The only word I know what means in here is refracted - and you've used it wrongly. Refraction is when light bends as it moves from one medium to another, i.e. from air to water (which is why the bottom of a pool looks closer than it is from above the water). I believe you mean reflected, unless the wall is transparent (which could be what one of those other words means).

The point is that big words confuse the reader, so they should be avoided. Also make sure you know what a word means before you use it.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this, and I'll try to follow the story as you write more. Take or leave my advice. The bit about talking to himself is probably more of a personal preference, and you might have intended that as one of his quirks. If you take anything from this review - take the advice about using long words, they really detract from an otherwise good story.

Jeff.




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Sat May 16, 2009 7:47 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hello and nice to meet you, Nevermore. I don't think I have ever read any of your work before but your title caught my attention right away so without further ado, I begin my review:

I still lived normally, although having decided to utilize this gift. Hence, I lived extraordinarily normal.


Okay, to start out with, I would much rather you express to us in a different way how much he enjoys his gift rather than tell us how he thinks its so extraordinary, ect. Show rather than Tell the reader.


She looked at me in a very enrapturing manner as she walked past through me.


This is awkwardly worded. Maybe try: She looked at me in a very enrapturing manner as she walked through me...[insert detail here]. How does she walk through him? How does it feel to have a ghost walk through you? Ect.. Describe to use so the reader can imagine :wink:

***Okay, before I continue on to chapter one, I think you need to work a little at your prologue. It's a tad rough at the moment and the ending is to abrupt. Add a little bit more and you'll be fine.

It’s my dad, my must-be-long-gone father.


Whoa! Wouldn't that be a shock if your dad suddenly came back from the dead... Jeeze, talk about a heart attack waiting to happen :P

***As for the all-over effect of your piece, I'm believe you have a talant. But I must warn you on your overuse of complicated words. You don't have to use big words to write a nice piece of literature. Just so you know ^_^

Also, the first chapter is kind of confusing. I would focus on making everything clear so the reader doesn't get confused.

Otherwise, I wish you the best of luck with this! PM me if you have any further questions.




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Sat May 16, 2009 7:43 am
nevermore says...



WHOA! Finally!

Thanks Ashleigh Brown for the very nice compliment! I felt very inspired to continue my story!

Also, thanks to Mars for the awesome review - I followed it! What I just couldn't do was the cutting and shortening. That part will be of great relevance for the next chapters. I promised!


Again, a huge THANK!




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Sat May 16, 2009 12:08 am
Ashleigh Brown wrote a review...



Wow!! Gosh. That was what i was thinking the whole time. Can he see dead people? Yeah, but I like the way you opened it up, and it didn't begin with, "I see dead people" I was pretty relieved at that. Anywhoooo... I want to read more...pm me when you adds some.




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Fri May 15, 2009 7:49 pm
Mars wrote a review...



Whoa...how have you gone a week without reviews?! :P

I'm going to start out being picky - correcting grammar, maybe rewording if it sounds stiff, then I'll go on to an overall review, so, let's get started:

Yes, I chose to help, yet preferred to live a normal life.

When my loved ones departed,

I continued to run at the top of my speed

except for my hard breathing

I tripped over a [s]hard[/s] rock and fell to the ground.

Saying the rock is hard is unnecessary. Of course it's hard. It's a rock. ^__^

I lay my palms on the ground and tried my best to carry myself,

I [s]laid[/s] put out my hand to reach hers and then –. (ditch the period)

It was six o’clock.

I looked at the sky-blue-colored wall adorned with a nice piece of art that my dad had painted.

It [s]used to[/s] depicted an evening in a very silent and old town [s]enlightened[/s] lit by the enthralling moon[s]light[/s] and delighting stars (period)

“Better get going,” I muttered to myself

or worst, driving my car and [s]was[/s] very lost.

As usual, someone was inside (remember that contractions only work for present tense, not past tense)

“You forgot to lock the door,” I said

“It’s alright. Just don’t forget next time,” I said, hoping against hope

I crossed my fingers and in no time, the plastic door opened.

“Thanks,” I said hurriedly.

Or maybe I had just misplaced it.

I searched [s]scurryingly on[/s] every place

Good thing it was Saturday, no classes, [s]yet,[/s] but I needed to do some housekeeping

“Matthew, I know you're there,” I said

“Thanks, bye!” I said, pushing the button to end the call.

I went inside the [s]petty,[/s] poorly-ventilated bathroom to take a shower.

His bald head was [s]much known[/s] very familiar to me.


Overall; Wow, very dramatic ending, with his father coming back and all.

I really liked this story, you've obviously put a lot of effort into it and I appreciate that. I'm not fond of the beginning, though; the prologue is okay but it seems like the first half of chapter one is fairly pointless until he gets the call from the nurse. I think you should consider cutting the whole part with Tracy out, or at least shortening it. Otherwise, it was good and I can't wait to read what happens next.

Good job.
-Mars





When one is highly alert to language, then nearly everything begs to be a poem.
— James Tate