I woke up to the unfamiliar sound of the alarm baring at a god-awful morning and my brother taking an intense, time-consuming shower. My head was groggy and my heart was heavy for the day that lay ahead. The day was already of to a bad start because my brother was hogging the bathroom. This did not annoy me in my younger years because
I woke up later for school. But now, I’m a High school freshman and he is a high school junior and despite growing up together we have yet to have bonded. I could go on and on about the differences between us but that will be for another day. I waited patiently for five minutes before I started to bang on the doors like threatened gorilla. I doubt he could have heard me through the music he was blaring. God-awful music that could kill cattle. After laying for five minutes the bathroom door opened. He looked at me strangely me and said
“Aren’t you getting ready for school?”
My mind was spinning at the moment, searching for some type of snappy comeback but all I managed to murmur was
“Yeah.”
I walked into the bathroom while my brother was lathering his self-professed god-like body. He knew I was comfortably with his grandiose display of narcism and nudity. Because of this I decided to take my toothbrush, school clothes, and lotion into the shower room. The second I was closed the door to the shower room, I realized it was a stupid decision. The light was out so I was stuck in a dark cramped room. I decided to stay in because “hey” I was already here. I stripped and entered the shower. It was quite relieving to feel the liquid bullets hit my skin. I actually gave a great sigh of relief for no reason whatsoever. That shower caused to forget about my imminent troubles temporarily but as soon as I got out of the shower they came back full force. My heart was heavy and seemed to beat harder and harder as my thoughts became clearer. I tried to put on my new clothes but as anyone would expect it was difficult to put them in the dark. I hurt myself several times. I got of the bathroom. I was dressed irregularly, my hair mussed up, and my eyes tired as ever. I shrugged my shoulders as I looked into the mirror. I got out of the bathroom and looked at my alarm clock; It was 6:40. I was almost late for the bus! I haphazardly packed my stuff up and I did not have time to make sure nothing was missing. I ran downstairs and into the kitchen. I did not have time to greet my parents and grabbed my lunch. I banged my way out the front door to the bus slinking away. I was prepared to run after it but my father stopped me with gruff, omnipresent hand.
“Go with your brother.”
He said in is usual forthright manner. I complied for there was no other solution. I walked into the back of the house to see my brother start up his car. I ran to him before he could he reverse. He reluctantly let me in and did not bother to ask what happened. The car is silent as we drive away. We had never been closer.
My brother stopped near River Park a subdivision in the suburb to pick up Chad Hogan. Chad hopped into the car and he and my brother started to talk about women and football. Numbers were mentioned in the conversation but not the numbers I cared for.
Chad Hogan was able to cut the contemptuous. Chad was corpulent, sturdy young man. He was “big” for his age. He was a freshman like me but could easily be mistaken for a 20 odd year old man. He was nearly 7ft tall and was rumored to be nearly 300 pounds. Anyway, because of his size and “skill” he was on the varsity football- team with my brother. He was another Jock. I do not like to judge or marginalize people. My tolerance and objectivity are one of my most endearing qualities. But I could not stop myself from making assumptions about Jocks because most never prove me wrong. I can make that kind of assumption about most people. While my brother was getting on the high way, he let his car windows go down and wind rushed into the car. At that moment, I felt the contemptuous tension within car was released. I felt relaxed and free. Then my heart tightened into knots once we reached the parking lot of Winston Churchill High School. I slowly got out of the car and by the time I go out My brother and Chad were already halfway to the football field. He did not bother to give a order advice or some type of school adage. He just left. His mind to occupied with frivolous dreams and illusions of invulnerability that he forgot he had someone to protect other than himself. I slowly walked into the backdoor of the school. I turned back and noticed my brother did not lock his car since I was the last one to leave the car. I looked ahead into the football field. I saw two ant like beings waving their arms impetuously like their future was theirs for the taking because of their physicality. I decided not to yell or even conjure up the idea.
“Fuck him,” I said as I slowly walked into Winston Churchill High School.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
What I would call almost perfect! 4 STARS!
Very good! There were some mistakes but none that you can't notice on your own.
Very Good once again, I am already excited for Chapter 2.
Hey, Em here. I’m just doing to point out the spelling and grammar issues here as I am in need of some points.
‘I woke up to the unfamiliar sound of the alarm baring at a god-awful morning and my brother taking an intense, time-consuming shower.’ It might be just me, but ‘baring’ doesn’t make sense.
‘The day was already of to a bad start because my brother was hogging the bathroom’ ‘of’ should be ‘off’.
‘This did not annoy me in my younger years because
I woke up later for school.’ You have entered here, and made the second part of the sentence is on a new line. This enter is between the word ‘because’ and ‘I’.
‘I waited patiently for five minutes before I started to bang on the doors like threatened gorilla.’ You should have the word ‘a’ between ‘like’ and ‘threatened’.
‘He looked at me strangely me and said
“Aren’t you getting ready for school?”’ This should have no enter between the two, it should look like this: ‘He looked at me strangely and said, “aren’t you getting ready for school?”’ You also have an extra ‘me’ here.
‘My mind was spinning at the moment, searching for some type of snappy comeback but all I managed to murmur was
“Yeah.”’ Again, this shouldn’t have an enter between the two: ‘My mind was spinning at the moment, searching for some type of snappy comeback but all I managed to murmur was, “yeah.”’
‘The second I was closed the door to the shower room, I realized it was a stupid decision.’ The word ‘was’ is unnecessary and also makes this sentence confusing.
‘I got of the bathroom.’ You’re missing the word ‘out’ between ‘got’ and ‘of’.
You say that they got out of the bathroom twice.
‘I got out of the bathroom and looked at my alarm clock; It was 6:40.’ ‘It’ shouldn’t be capitalized.
‘He said in is usual forthright manner.’ ‘is’ should be his’.
‘The car is silent as we drive away.’ You suddenly change to present tense here.
‘We had never been closer.’ You have an extra space between ‘had’ and ‘never’.
‘My brother stopped near River Park a subdivision in the suburb to pick up Chad Hogan.’ There should be a comma between ‘Park’ and ‘a’ and a comma between ‘suburb’ and ‘to’.
‘At that moment, I felt the contemptuous tension within car was released.’ ‘the’ should be between ‘within’ and ‘car’.
‘He did not bother to give a order advice or some type of school adage.’ ‘a’ should be ‘an’.
‘His mind to occupied with frivolous dreams and illusions of invulnerability that he forgot he had someone to protect other than himself.’ ‘to’ should be ‘too’.
Hope this helped, from Em.
Hi there,
Okay I will start with a few nitpicks.
1) You have made a few errors which need fixing. 'He looked at me strangely me' need to get rid of second me.
'The second I was closed the door to the shower room' this doesn't make sense, you need to get rid of the was.
There are a few more errors but you can just go few and pick them as they are stuff like adding and extra word when it is not needed.
2) I thin you over use the word I a bit to much, I know that is it in first person but still maybe just break it up a bit. For example you could conjoin two sentences together and therefore cutting out the I in one of them and making it a nicer read.
try this "I looked ahead into the football field and spotted two ant like beings...."
Instead of "I looked ahead into the football field. I saw two ant like beings...."
This simply makes it a lot smoother.
You could do this in other parts too.
Just work on making the story flow better and explaining things easier.
I like how you described the relationship between the brothers, I think the character is a guy, it was well done!! Good job!
Nargles xx