i.
we used to wrap ourselves in scarves of red
strong clothes fashioned of a material named ‘past’,
and our eyes were covered, head bowed, this
we were told was ‘right’ and ‘just’
ii.
so we stumbled, we had only sights of the road below
paved, uneven, cobbled, red, it was lined with scarves
akin to ours, sodden with something we yet not understand
later we would understand, it was a pain called ‘knowledge’
iii.
we had only each other for company, and our bodies became
our instrument, we spun tales and songs, we were one and the
same. Our lips become bows and strings and our bodies
the canvas, the slate, the continent-
iv.
In secret, we had kindled the construction of a dream
and we ruminate of unwrapping our scarves and bare
our tender skin to the lashing wind and changing skies
we chose a road less travelled, known, passed
v.
but by then, as we travel and stumbled through the
land, in which bright bursts of light hung far and distant
and we were blinded, as we were before but by our scarves
we are tied and we will soar, and we will fly, unhindered
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Oh wow, this was good. It introduced an idea in the first two stanzas that was just clear enough to be interpreted freely by the reader and still retain the same general meaning. The imagery throughout the poem, and more specifically that of life as a road, was powerful and thought-provoking. I like how you used the scarves as a symbol that changed in meaning in each stanza.
The emotion in this piece is a bit unclear, and made for a slightly confusing read, because I wasn't sure how to interpret what emotions you were putting into it. That said, what emotion was clear evolved over the course of the stanzas, making the poem feel more like an adventure than a simple journey from point A to point B.
Overall, this was an excellent poem that realized most of its potential, but could be improved a bit.
(I apologize if the above review made no sense. It's four in the morning.)
Hello there! Luata here for a review! I haven't done this in a while, so I'm a little rusty, but I'll do the best that I can!
Since I am a rather avid poem fan myself, I really like the concept that was presented by this poem. The rhythm of the poem was a little bit choppy, but I think that it worked in the favor of this poem, perhaps representing the choppy form of thought presented by this particular poem.
Since there are so many people out there who are so much better at English than I am I more than often review the emotion presented by the piece rather than the English itself as I am sure other people are more than capable of critiquing your English.
I really like the slightly despondent feel that is presented at the beginning at the beginning of the poem and the more hopeful feel towards the end. Sorry if that sounds vague but it makes sense in my mind!
Overall nice job, not many nitpicks and I'll be looking forward to more of your work.
-Luata