I quietly floated around the house knowing everyone would be sleeping. As I did I could hear the claws on the deck and the annoyed pants of Serie out in the snow waiting. I opened the door and let the white moonlight hit me. As I shivered I could feel it coming on. My real form. My clothes ripped off and lightly drifted to the frosted ground and I was now a wolf. I could feel the cold whipping against my pitch black fur. I gave as much of a smile as I could in this form and so I went off with Serie. I creeped down the wooden stairs and looked out on the snow covered trees and sighed. Serie wisely stared at me and scampered down the frozen steps and darted out toward the woods. I quickly followed my baby blue eyes following her every movement. As we rocketed through the forest I couldn't help but think about Hunter, my somewhat boyfriend, and how he had told me about his old life in the orphanage. He was a damaged soul in a world of lost things and memories. I sighed and trampled through the underbrush I watched Serie go cautiously up to the frozen lake and jump right on it. I stared from the little hill over looking the lake. She slipped around the the ice and her claws making marks in the ice. I grunted and realized we were being watched and turned around intently for a sign of life that may be waiting for us to slip up and then it could pounce on it. I spotted yellow eyes poking out from the trees and stiffened up, alerting Serie when I did that someone, something was watching us. She picked her muzzle up from the icey ground and looked around ears standing up on alert. The copper wolf appeared out of the shadows and I realized not only me a Serie went out tonight(we all changed but some decided to stay locked up in there rooms) but so did Dylan our most skilled wolf in fighting and he was always so suttle and calm. Always on his toes but never seeming it. Serie Glanced back down at the ice
she was standing on and began to slip again and ignoring Dylan. Dylan didn't seem pleased with this action and made a sound of disapproval which, of course, Serie Ignored and went back to sliding on the ice in the pale moonlight. Dylan looked at me and motioned toward the ice, sending an image of us sliding around on the frozen lake. I shook my head "no" and trampled off, in search of my house so I could go back and get some more sleep. As I shifted into my human form I tip-toed up the wooden deck the snow burning my feet with every movement. I opened the screen and shifted quietly inside, not to disturb anyone. I shuffled into my warm cozy room were the curtains were drawn and no moonlight could puddle on my floor or bed to make me shift into a wolf. I laid down in my bed and closed my eyes and dreamt about hunter. His green eyes comforting me and drawing me in for one last kiss before the end of school. That's when I finally fell asleep, like, without dreams
End of chapter
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140,947 Literary Works • 673,779 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alrightly, hmm, I hate to have to say this, but at first glance, this is a bit of a jumble right here, there are so many bits of information here that you're trying to bring across, but its all just jumbled up into one continuous flow that ends up being very jittery and clunky not to mention you really don't get properly immersed in the story itself when all of these issues are coming up left and right. I feel like you really need to take a step back and think of all these points that you want to include in this piece and then jot them all down in an order, then present then with some semblance of a flow, right now, this looks like you start out with a decent description, you suddenly remember you need to mention detail x and you throw it in, then continue a bit more, then detail y pops up out of nowhere and so on and on...there is some excitement, this mysterious watched and whatnot but none of that really works out when there's such a jumble of thoughts happening here.
Alright, that ending was done much better, when you're not scrambling to introduce all sorts of things, this actually does manage to come off with a really neat flow there, and overall, this part shows a lot more about what's happening and it much more enjoyable to read. At any rate, I'll end off by saying that this is a fun premise right here, you can certainly construct quite a story here and there's even enough excitement that I might read more of this story but this needs a bit of a rewrite for the jumble towards that start there to get a bit sorted out.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey,
I enjoyed your writing, though it was slightly blocky in places. Like the person said before me maybe you should re-read things before you post them focusing entirely on Grammar and punctuation, you'll be surprised how much bad spelling and grammar can really effect how someone reads it off the page.
Other than that I thought it was a bit short, spend more time on you're character and it could be a lot better. Overall it was good, just work on it a little bit more!
Love,
Evenslily xx
Hi there, I'll get the spelling and punctuation stuff out of the way with first, before I move onto content:
There should probably be a comma between 'snow' and 'waiting'.
I don't think the clothes should be the subject of this sentence. Try something like 'I ripped off my clothes, letting them lightly drift to the frosted ground...' instead. Or if it's the actual transformation that's doing the clothes-ripping, then maybe go with 'My clothes were ripped/torn/shredded apart and I let them lightly drift...'
You should probably lose the 'and' between 'trees' and 'sighed', replacing it with a comma and 'sighing'.
This one's just personal preference, but I think 'stared wisely' reads better than 'wisely stared'.
There should be a comma between the first 'followed' and 'my'. Also, maybe you should change one of the 'followed's, so there isn't two lots of the same word in the same sentence.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, I just love the way you've phrased it and wanted to highlight it.
Thereshould really be an 'As' at the beginning of this sentence, with a comma between 'underbrush' and 'I'.
You could phrase this better as 'She slipped around the ice, her claws making (or scratching) marks in it.'
Ok, there's a bit too many 'and's in this sentence, and with no punctuation, there's no room to breathe. You could change it to 'I grunted, realising we were being watched. Turning around, I looked intently for any signs of life that may be waiting for us to slip up, so that it could pounce on us.'
There should be a comma between 'around' and ears', you could probably lose the 'on' as well. Also, 'icey' should be spelt 'icy'.
Ok, pretty much same problem here as before, not enough punctuation to break up the sentences. You should probably put a full stop after the bracketed sentence. The 'there' used in the brackets is the wrong sort, use 'their' instead. The first sentence could be better read as '...I realised it was not only me and Serie that went out tonight'. With a full stop after the brackets, the new second sentence could be better put 'Dylan, our most skilled wolf in fighting was also out tonight'. After that you could put a semi-colon, followed by the correctly spelt 'always so subtle and calm, always on his toes but never seeming it.' You didn't need the full stop between 'calm' and 'always'. With the final sentence, there shouldn't be a capital G in 'glanced' but that's probably just a typo, also there should be a comma between 'again' and 'ignoring'.
Just another typo to highlight, the 'I' in 'ignored'. Also, as you've used 'ignoring' in the previous sentence, perhaps you could change it to 'continued to ignore'.
There needs to be commas between 'form' and 'I', and 'deck' and 'the'.
Get rid of the second 'and', and replace it with a comma, changing 'dreamt' to 'dreaming'.
Seriously, get rid of the 'like' here. You don't want things to sound too colloquial.
Right, now all that's out of the way, I can move onto the story itself!
I felt it was perhaps a little too short to really draw the reader in, and would perhaps better serve as a prologue than a first chapter. From what's written, it's a little difficult to be able judge anything about the characters and their personalities. I'm sure that's all going to become clear later on, but for the moment, it is hard to know anything about them without some more information. For example, what exactly is the relationship between the unnamed protagonist, Dylan and Serie. There seems to be some unspoken enmity between Serie and Dylan, and between Dylan and the protagonist, but it's not elaborated on. Of course, if you've got this all planned out, and it's something you're building up to, then that's alright!:D