Published March 25, 2005
In the depth of midnight
When the darkness swallows the moon
A bird soars above, he is called The Raven
His feathers shine with a green tint
His claws sharper than knives
He turns his head, below him something moves
He crows loudly and dives into the trees
His prey, a mouse, sits frozen in fear
He sees himself in his murderers yellow eyes
The Raven, talons flexed, is inches from the mouse
The claw hits the mouse, ripping the skin
But still the mouse scurries into the dark
The Raven cries in defeat and returns to the sky
He spends all his nights long after searching
And yet the prey is gone
He waits for his moment
His revenge
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141,381 Literary Works • 674,386 Reviews
You didn't have any rhymes, did ya? But who cares about rhymes, your story was so REAL!!!
Hey, good imagery! Nice story to. Keep on writing in the free world.
Good discriptions. I could picture the Raven in my mind which is good since you're talking about an animal and some people can't discribe things that well in a poem.
Well...I couldn't think of a metaphor for something sharp so that line was kind of as a last resort.
And I think I get what you are saying about the ending but I'm not totally sure..
I do agree with Liz, loved the poem, can work on cliches. The only other thing was the ending...hmmm...I like what you said, just now how you said it. Like...it felt too...I don't know. I really don't. Sorry.
Good ideas and all, but just work on the delivery. You do slip into cliches now and then, such as:
That's an extremely common simile. Try something refreshing. I really like the
That really set the scene. Overall, nice work, just substitute some of the unoriginal lines for something more interesting.
Thanx guys. And someone visit Darkmoon158's Blog please! lol
I agree with Lollipop you did so good Neonshorty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and please visit Neonshorty's blog! Someone, anyone, please I beg you.
Wow! I love this poem. Its very descriptive and it tells a story. Not many poems can do that but you pulled it off. Well done!!!!
