Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


The Gossip Of Gaffel Tavern

by neonshorty


A great boom of thunder shook the ground and the door flew open with a slam. The plates hanging inside the tavern shook and a few threatened to fall and break upon the shiny cedar floors. A lightning bolt illuminated the figure standing there. He was wearing a dark cloak and carried only a crude brown sack. Tinloseph the troll stopped cleaning the tables and stood frozen, staring at the visitor. They never had visitors this late at night.

“Tinloseph get moving,” Madame Monifa said as she ushered the man in.

He spoke in a hushed, hoarse voice that Tinloseph could barley hear. Suddenly there was a loud crash outside, quite unlike the noise of thunder. Madame Monifa, still talking to the man, gestured to him. He went towards the door and then opened it, cautiously. He felt the unsettling chill crawl up his spine as if there was someone there, watching him. The rain poured down in torrents and the wind blew swift and fierce, picking up bits of underbrush and whipping them through the deserted streets in the town. The painted sign nailed above the door flew up and down, pounding. It read “Gaffel Tavern” in green letters, almost worn away and unreadable. The rain soaked through his shirt and into is skin. He stepped back into the inn, out of the rain, where everything was at peace, and back into work, where everything said was an order.

There were few people in the inn at this hour, a few here, a few there, and the mysterious man sitting in the corner. It was at slow times like these when he would just listen. He sat down at a table to rest.

“Tinloseph!” another order from Madame Monifa flew out of the kitchen.

He strode into the kitchen dripping water everywhere. She was very nice to take him into her home, when he used to be on the streets, but with only a small number of people to help her there was no time to rest. Tinloseph exited from the kitchen carrying a large platter of beverages.

There was another man sitting by the mysterious visitor. Tinloseph recognized the other man from earlier this week when he had come into the tavern, dirty and bloody. He had said that there were raiders on the road, but his wounds didn’t look like the work of raiders. He was a suspicious character. Tinloseph thought that he, himself, was a raider, after their money, but Madame Monifa thought otherwise.

Tinloseph quickly delivered the drinks and began to clean a table near the men. Now he could finally see them both up close. The man from earlier in the week had a clean-shaven face and closely cut hair the color of the late October sun. His eyes glowed a dark green in the light of the candles, just like mountain moss. He smiled at the other man, a genuine smile as if everything he did was right and good. The man then leaned across the table and began to speak. He addressed the other man as Merric and asked if the plan was in action. Merric leaned his chair back against the wall and spit on the deep brown cedar wood floor.

“Yes sir,” he declared. “The Governor’s party is still going as planned.”

Unlike the scarlet haired man, he had a thick accent that reminded Tinloseph of the syrups that could only be obtained from the high blue peaks and his teeth were rotted and yellow. He had long brown hair with streaks of gray and a scruffy beard. Tinloseph wondered who the Ruler was and why they were going to kill him. Tinloseph heard this sort of talk all of the time but somehow this was different.

The man called Merric looked around at the few late night stragglers then, as he turned to get up, his chair slipped and he fell. The other man began to laugh and it was then that Merric regained his senses and began to curse under his breath. He pulled himself off of the floor and looked around. He saw Tinloseph sitting at a table not far away.

“Did you trip me boy?” He shouted.

Tinloseph sat frozen with fear as this huge bulky man towered over him. He tried to say something but nothing came out. The man who had come to the tavern stood up and tried to reason with Merric.

“Come now Merric, I don’t believe this young fellow did anything wrong,” the man pleaded. “Let us not cause any trouble tonight.”

But despite the clean shaven man’s request Merric took a jab at Tinloseph, who fell back, out of the chair and onto the floor. He knocked down the table along with a few drinks. Then Merric swung another punch, this time hitting Tinloseph in the jaw. Tinloseph was now dazed. Merric picked him up by the shirt collar and held him close to his face. Tinloseph could smell the alcohol in his breath.

“What is your name boy?” He spat.

“Ti…Ti...Tinloseph,” Tinloseph stuttered.

His eyed went wide and he looked at Tinloseph.

Madame Monifa, hearing the commotion, ran out of the kitchen. The red haired man pulled out a gun and held it firmly in his left hand; Tinloseph realized he only had 3 fingers. He pulled the trigger and there was a scream, a bloodcurdling scream. Madame Monifa lay in a pool of blood on the floor. Merric was so surprised at all this that he had dropped the troll. Tinloseph slipped up the stairs and towards his room.

He heard the red haired man giving orders to Merric, “You know who that is, don’t let him escape, catch him then kill him!”

Tinloseph ran into his room and locked the door. He grabbed all of his belongings and put them into a sack. He had to run. He reached his hand under his mattress and took out a knife. He hated to use it but now seemed an appropriate time. He heard a crashing downstairs and then a lot of crackling. He cautiously opened the door and walked down the dark hall towards the stairs. The floorboards cracked under his feet. He ran down the stairs and was overcome with smoke and heat. The whole lower floor of the tavern was a blazing inferno. He then realized that all of the money was hidden under the loose floorboard in the kitchen, away from raiders and robbers. He had to reach it.

Tinloseph ran into the fire, through the maze of burning tables and chairs and into the kitchen. The tips of his hair were on fire and his hands were badly burned. He pried up the loose strip and stuffed the money into his sack. He saw Madame Monifa burning in the doorway. He leaned over her; she had been like his mother for so long. He saw a beautiful locket hanging from her neck. He thought that if he could find her family and return the money and locket. He yanked the locket off of her neck and held it tightly. He ran through the fire and out side, into the storm.

The rain poured down and the lightning flashed ominously in the sky. Tinloseph thought he saw Merric and the other man running down an alley. Had they seen him? He looked up and saw his home engulfed in flames. Tears rolled down his cheeks, what had he ever done to deserve this? He splashed through the puddles, through the dark alleys and towards the edge of the town. He took one last look back, tears and rain clouded his vision. All he could see of his dwelling was a coil of smoke, drifting loosely towards the dim blue sky. He turned and darted into the forest.

( I updated the paragraphs and stuff...but I don't know if I did the dialogue paragraphs correctly)


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
685 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Donate
Tue Apr 05, 2005 10:06 pm
Rei says...



It's okay start. I don't want to say anything that has already been said, so here's my suggestion.

Tell us what Tinloseph looks like. You say that he's a toll, but let us see it.




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 38

Donate
Mon Apr 04, 2005 11:27 pm
Darkmoon158 wrote a review...



I loved it Sarah! I think it was the action that kept me reading it! Most stories if the beginning is lame I won't keep reading it long enough to reply. Sorry to you gys out there that I just skipped your stories cuz the begginning was boring or something.




User avatar
481 Reviews


Points: 6194
Reviews: 481

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:19 am
Bobo wrote a review...



Looks like El kinda said the same thing I was thinking. When you changed the dialogue about the Ruler's party, you forgot to change the part where Tinloseph is wondering who the Ruler is and stuff... also, some of your pronouns (he) confuse us. Remember, when you say he, she, it, etc. you are referring to the last person or thing mentioned, unless that person is being acted upon. For example: John went to the store. He needed some milk. OR John talked to the manager. He asked where the milk was. If you want the manager to talk, you'd say: John asked the manager where the milk was. The manager directed John to aisle 7. Notice that both of the people are repeated, as using "he" would refer to the other character in this case. I hope I made sense there.

Anyways, this was a good start, and I look forward to more.




User avatar
221 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 221

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:08 am
Elelel wrote a review...



The thing to remember on paragraphs is that each one is a new ... idea, if that makes sense. A new something.
The trick to believable sounding dialogue is to hear it in your head first (just don't tell anyone that you listen to voices, OK? Not a good idea) And I believe I have a link ... http://hollylisle.com/fm/Workshops/dial ... kshop.html Yes, I've given it out so many times everyone probably knows the whole site off by heart, but I'm working on the basis that there has to be someone who hasn't seen it. Also, with your dialogue I notice that you aren't using the word said ... at all. You see, the word said is invisible, which means you can use it over and over and over without anyone noticing (the occasional "he pleaded" or "he growled" is fine, just not all the time.)

He then realized that all of the money was hidden under the loose floorboard in the kitchen, away from raiders and robbers. He had to reach it.

We can improve this to something like:
He stopped dead. The money kept under the loose floorboard! He had to reach it!
Or something like that. You've done little things like that a few times, don't tell us that he realised, show us. Show us by how he thinks, how he moves that this is important and he nearly forgot. This also wotks in dialogue, it mentions us in that site I gave you, but you don't have to say "he stuttered" you show it by the way he talks.

But that is an exellent start! :D Good luck in fixing those few things up, and feel free to ask me for help about anything, I might not know the answer, but I'll try.




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Sun Apr 03, 2005 2:52 am
neonshorty says...



I redid the paragraphs...I hope it works




User avatar
1259 Reviews


Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Donate
Fri Mar 11, 2005 11:09 pm
Firestarter wrote a review...



Critiques:

“Yes sir,” he declared. “The Ruler is having a party we may kill him then.


The dialogue seems a little...not real? Also, it doesn't appear to be correct. It's either, "The Ruler is having a party, we may kill him then," or "The Ruler is having a party. We may kill him then,".

That's all I could find on my first read. Basically I reckon one of the few problems is dialogue. Firstly, it isn't split up well enough from the text, so it becomes hard to read. It is a custom to start a new paragraph when someone new starts talking, and I think you should implement that here. Also, some of it seems not very believable. Just read it out to yourself and see whether it sounds like something you or somebody you've talked to would say. If not, change it as neccesary.

That's all really. Great story.




User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 16

Donate
Tue Mar 08, 2005 3:53 am
neonshorty says...



I put it into paragraphs but, as you can see I'm not very good with paragraphs...I hope it works..for now at least.




User avatar
481 Reviews


Points: 6194
Reviews: 481

Donate
Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:35 am
Bobo says...



Before I read this, could you please break up the text? Just add extra spaces between paragraphs please. It's really hard to read a long block of text...




User avatar
172 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 172

Donate
Sun Mar 06, 2005 3:35 am
Shadow Knight wrote a review...



Well, it's good apart from the paragraphs, actually, i thought the version you sent me had better paragraphs, anyway, i hope you figure out what to write next!

~~Shadow~Knight~~ :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:





We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway