Published July 19, 2010
This is somehow a horror story I wrote quite a while ago and I finally decided to post it here. I hope you like it! 
I stood up from the cold concrete ground as the first fire cracker exploded in the distance. Now it was my time. She was at her filthy house and everything was set. In the weak light of an old lamp I took my weapons. Three axes that I stole from my grandfather were now girded around my waist. I jumped through the open window into the streets, full of partially drunk people having a great time. I pushed my way through the crowd. Some who saw my weapons went quiet and backed off with fear in their eyes. Even fireworks and alcohol couldn't protect them from me. I was running along the path I known as well as my pocket. I memorized every stone and every bush in months of following and stalking that woman. I hated that green car and the stupid blond haircut behind the steering wheel so much, I shook every time I thought about it. Soon I arrived to her house. There were stupid little plastic dwarfs scattered on the front yard, which she obviously found beautifying to her garden. And her stupid old brain was, as always, sadly wrong. I ran to the front door, and the feeling of greed for revenge was boiling inside my head. I busted the door and ran into the lobby with the first axe ready in my arm. I had to find her ugly face in this house.
"Oh my! Johnny! What are you doing here? Is that an axe?"
I almost threw up when I heard the disgusting elderly voice. She came from her living room with a glass of champagne in her hand. I heard singing from the TV. She obviously watched New Year's concert. I always hated those.
"Goodbye old bitch," I said with as much hatred in my voice as it was humanly possible to achieve.
The first axe flew across the room and landed in her leg. She immediately fell on the ground with a terrifying scream.
"What ...! What is wrong with you? What are you doing?," she screamed as I calmly approached her. I took my second axe, checked that it was sharp and then dug with it into her chest, so that blood splashed my face. There wasn't a scream this time. Just a gasp and a cough. I watched for a while how she chocked on her own blood. I enjoyed it. When I saw she was slowly starting to die, I took my last axe, swung it and before she or I could realize it, the sharp end landed in her forehead. Everything was drenched in blood now and I felt joy overwhelm me. To the core I was in euphoria as she was finally dealt with. I closed her terrified eyes and quietly left the house and left the door wide open. I wondered how people would react now, when I was one big blood stain. I smiled and looked back on the house. I could see the dead body and the blood stains on the walls from the street. Another rush of happiness shook my body and the I disappeared in the darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Phew!
I got scared, I admit.
This is a great piece of work.
It's direct. Write more, okay?
What a thrillingly creepy story! It sort of reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe's, "A Telltale Heart." However, your story didn't have the guilt at the end. I agree, it might have been nice to know the source of your anger. I liked this very much though, so I will just go through and edit some things. Anything I put in red is a necessary revision; anything in red, bold italics is something I personally would change, whether due to repetition or difficulty understanding it.
I like this part, but it took me a second to understand that you were in a house in the beginning. Concrete is the material of most sidewalks, so I thought that perhaps you were viewing the pyrotechnics from a sidewalk, rather than hearing them inside your house. Also, the sentences are a bit choppy. There aren't many conjunctions, and almost no complex sentences were evident. Perhaps you could use some semicolons (;) and long dashes (--) to make your sentences flow together better.
That was good.
Like amazingly good.
This main character is strong, plot is better then most things I've read.
nothing for me to correct, which is good for me.
So, Congrats and keep writing.
Hey nenc123!
I hope you didn't write this because you were mad at someone, I'd be scared! lol, I'm just kidding(:
The plot was solid, I really don't have much to say about it. I'm interested to know why the MC was stalking his victim and why he hated her so, I would have liked to see that explained somewhere in your story.
Now that I've read this whole story, I think you are referencing "she" to the victim? At first I thought it was the mother, but that wouldn't make any sense. I recommend taking "Mother was in the kitchen, cooking our dinner" out of the story. It does nothing for the plot and doesn't really have a relevance to anything.
This is confusing, I'm not sure what you're trying to say by "checked it was sharp and dug with it in her chest"
You should proofread your stories aloud, many more easy mistakes will become known to you.
PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox