Preface -
I looked around and saw a group of people that I couldn’t recognize. Two of them looked to be an old married couple, they were sleeping on each other’s heads, and the male was snoring. I snickered; I hope I never snore when I get older. On the opposite side of the old couple, was a man, maybe in his 20’s? I was never good at guessing ages. He looked uncomfortable, with his legs in a tangle along with his hands which he was sleeping on. I could see a little ball of saliva exiting his mouth, I laughed.
Next to this man was a younger couple, maybe in their late 40’s? They were holding each other’s hand, and in their hands were rosaries. Maybe they like to pray?
As I tried to sit up once again, I maneuvered some wires and succeeded. I then heard a beeping noise, which had the words ‘heart monitor’ on it. Why are they monitoring my heart?
I then noticed a remote in my left hand with a red button that said ‘assistants’ underneath. I pressed it, and right away a nurse came in. She gasped as her mouth went into an ‘O’ shape. She covered her mouth with her hands and yelled, “DOCTOR!”
Quickly everyone woke up and looked at me, then the nurse, then the doctor who just rushed in.
“Impossible.” The doctor said as he came over to my right side, shining a light through my eyes, nose, and ears. “It…can’t be. The entire test said…it makes no sense.” I looked at the doctor’s name tag, which read, ‘Martin’. Hmm…sounds geeky.
“How?” The man who was just drooling stared at the doctor in admiration and a mix of confusion. “You said…she wasn’t going to make it…but here she is…” He was the only one talking; everyone else stared at me as if I was a ghost of some sort. They all looked half shocked half happy…but more so shocked.
“I…I do not know…” He scratched his hairless head, lifted his glasses higher up on his nose and asked, “What’s your name sweetheart?” Ugh, sweetheart, I hate those cheesy names. Maybe he’s my doctor? But what happened to me? “What is today?”
Is he asking me these questions? And why can’t I answer them? My mind is blank, and I’m just staring at my fingers, not finding the words. My tongue won’t form anything, my mouth won’t speak, what’s wrong?
“Why won’t she speak?” The drooling man asked curiously.
“She doesn’t know how.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,736 Reviews
Hi! This was amazing. I liked it that you placed the scene in the hospital. I don't know where the romance is, but i think that you will show it soon. I loved it that your story is different than others!
I agree with the writers above me, I'm not gonna repeat what they said. You should edit what they mentioned. But i just really wanna point out that you've got lack of description so i didn't know where i was when i was reading until t said nurse and doctor.
Keep Writing!
Nike
Yeah, Snoink, by convincing her to join your evil army. And yes, I am organizing a resistance... maybe Bolt can lead?
) That's how your story needs to go. Quick. Short. Bursts. Brevity = Correctitude.
(Obviously the drooling guy 
... I hope)
Heya, Hero here! I'm gonna Like this. Why? Because it rocks. That's my general impression of this piece. Nice in it's shortness. I recommend keeping all your chapters like this (This technique is known as James-Patterson's-Disorder/Technique, but in this case it would be totally awesome).
Alright, in keeping with what I've just said, I want you to snap a bit (I pray you can. If not, pretend
In contradicting with what I just said, and to add on to what The Dancing Pig said, I can't see where your poem is going. Firstly I'm assuming that the other people were family members, right? Well... Assuming your character was bonked on the head with a rock (and hence the amnesia), I doubt that they would all be sleeping and their reactions.
Show, don't tell. You basically got 99% of that right in this piece. And by show, not tell, we mean that you shouldn't force the reader into taking the mindset that your character is amnesiac (She was amnesiac) but instead demonstrate it practically and using words and a manner that would be similar to that of an amnesiac (She couldn't remember my name, or her house. She constantly blinked and looked around like a deer in a nuclear energy plant). Get it. The only place I have a problem with this is where you describe everybody's reaction. The dialogue did help (Even though, while realistic, the fluttering words and strings of ellipses just made it seem like a medical drama) but I think the crux of the story didn't go as well as some of the other parts.
Re-write it with emphasis on every paragraph. To every paragraph a subject. To every sentence an idea. To every smile a tear. To every wavy lower lip a pale face. Emphasis. You can use maybe just two character (e.g the doctors and the man with the drool).
I really liked how you alluded to who being the brother
So, this pretty much left me with a smile. Keep it up. Tone down on the creepiness on the first paragraph. Or better yet, recycle the paragraph and use it for your next thriller... -_- *Breaks into song*
Bye now!
Sweet! I moved it for you. If you need any more help, just bug me or the people with green usernames. We can totally help you.
Thanks, and yes, please move it.
I didn't know there was a section for novels and one for short stories >_<
Cause I'm a noobie....(: Ha, but thanks. And it is a romance story, just takes time (:
Ooooh. That would definitely be creepy, waking up to this sort of thing and not being able to talk or anything. Part of the sci fi geek in me wonders if Martin is an alien or robot, but I swear, I'm a sci fi nerd, so what do I know? XD I will say that the beginning makes me a little squeamish... not sure if this is your intent, but it made me nervous and didn't really hook me in, just because of the topic. Nothing against your writing!
Not sure how this is a romance story, but I'm sure we'll get to know Martin better and everything will make sense. This seems like it's part of a longer story... would you like me to move it to the novels section?
Wow. This is the best thing I've read on here today. I loved the cliffhanger on the end. I love how there is almost no information about the MC, but thats absolutley fine. Its perfect without it. I don't think you need to say how old your MC thinks everyone is, but other then that i don't really have any nitpicks.
Tell me if you post anymore!