This was written somewhat as a challenge and response between God and Satan. I think it's pretty descriptive, and shows their personalities pretty well.
I am The Bird of Prey,The Ozone King.
I come to make all into ash.
Let there be fear in here,
I am The Great Anger.
Tremble in mine great breath.
Ravaging to possess Earth.
My jaw screams in your flesh.
I am the death housing,
and The Destroyer is my name.
You would do well to run,
To flee from me into darkness.
Light is my enemy,
I am The Great Blackness.
I am The Stalking Wolf,
The consumer of The Sheep.
I will not die.
Who can answer my challenge?
The reply to the destroyer:
Who is this who calls himself indestructable?
I have found you weak as rotten wood.
You are the empty base.
Without ground to stand on.
The worst of all creation,
You can destroy nothing.
Endless Sufferer will be your name.
The elemets will melt around you,
and your very being will scream from heat.
No good thing shall remember your name,
I will permeate their souls with joy.
Once you were beautiful,
You are now The Great Suicide.
You have called yourself blackness,
and blackness shall be your cup.
Take your last few breaths,
I have judged,
I have made your end.
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i'd suggest scrapping this and create something else with the same concept. the frame of this is poor. i'd say make it into less of a dialogue and more of a narrative. by that i mean don't make it a conversation, make it a story. pretend you are the survivor of an apocalyptic war between good and evil, and that the tale of the battle is some great fable you're telling to your grandchildren. now, use that idea, or i will.
-Zalarus
This was very hard to understand, even with the preface, and I'm Christian. While you had some interesting lines and imagery, it didn't hold my attetion. I couldn't get to the story. Maybe if you made it morea pperent who the two sides were, this would be better.
It was interesting, the title's good. But there is something about which makes you wonder if the writer's got some hidden meaning to it. So instead of enjoying the good feeling you get after reading a great poem you end up over thinking the meaning of the poem.
I agree with bubblewrapped. While the writing is fairly good, I feel that the ideas presented in the poem are uninteresting. In creating this duality between G-d and Satan - good and evil - you've failed to acknowledge the complexity of the ideas. I'm not suggesting that you change your opinions on the subject, but the most fascinating aspects of the relationship between G-d and Satan have been removed from your poem. You've oversimplified. Other than my previous criticism, I don't see much else that I think needs revision. I love the diction and descriptions in this piece. Once you create some tension in your poem, I'm certain that it will become more appealing to the reader. Best of luck! Keep up the good work!
Do you mean this would probably fit an older audience? Maybe part of the confusion was that this was written for a Christian audience.
An interesting concept, no doubt, but to be honest it really didn't hold my attention. I'm not sure why. I guess I felt that it seemed kind of purposeless - a great exercise for the poet, perhaps, but the reader is left feeling a little out of their depth. Without your little preface I wouldn't have had a clue what was going on, exactly, and I believe good poetry should stand on its own. Also, although you had some good imagery, it was wasted insofar as it was employed solely in self-description of the two protagonists. The reader isn't given anything to hold onto; there's no context, no point of interest, no emotion. I guess I just felt that I was not engaged by the text.
As you said, however, it is fairly well described, you just need to work at making it more interesting for the reader.
Cheers,
~bubbles