Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This was great! I thought it might be better to limit the use of your exclamation marks, so they have more impact. I think someone already pointed out that there should be an apostrophe in "rainbow's."
But anyways, this was really, really enjoyable to read. Nice flow, and cool voice.
-Dai
Hi-ya!!!! First, Your title is very interesting. It should be 'Breathe'. It makes my thinker think!
#FF0000 ">This stanza is like your willing the rain to take you, and essentially kill you...*wonders why?*
#FF0000 ">This like feels a little forced...
#FF0000 ">Brilliant! Keep it up!
Hi,
I really enjoyed reading this. You use language and imagery very well. The first two lines really drew me in and the tension throughout this stanza is very effective. Stanza four was really good.
There shouldn't be an apostrophe in "rainbow's" because you are not showing the rainbows' possession of anything. I think stanza three was too dramatic and too focused on the speaker and you lost the power of the imagery here. I think the last stanza would be a bit weak. I'd look to the storm as you fade out rather than bringing God in at the last minute.
A pleasure overall.
Hope this helps,
Jas