Young Writers Society

This really pulses with feelings and emotional secrets just bursting to full. So creative! Well done, I'm really seeing how much it angers you about fake love, and how love can be so deceiving when really it can be one of the most dangerous chemicals out of scientists hands. You have used adjectives, almost perfectly, verbs used to effect, well done my dear friend well done. I may seem strange writing in this manner but it is my way of expressing that I am pleased with the works I read, especially this one! ~ Kazza

This is really beautiful!
<3

Hi neko!

This is so beautiful! I am a bit cynical when it comes to love poetry/lyrics (even though I write it myself) because I guess that sometimes they can get really cliche, however this was so good! The ideas were really original, and what I particularly liked about it all was how much the rhyming worked. I cannot tell you the amount of times where I've read a poem/song and the rhyming completely ruins the rhythm, but here it's done just splendidly!

Okay so looking at this as a song, I'm guessing that the repetitive part would be some kind of chorus? And the rest are verses? If so I think one slight issue here is that they're really similar, and I can imagine if you put a melody to them too they'd sound really similar too. I think it's important with songs to make sure your sections sound different, because you don't want your whole song sounding the same, right?

Similar to what I've just talked about having different sounding sections, I'd like to see another section. So you've got verses and a chorus, or repetitive stanza, but I'd love to see something different like a bridge. I think bridges in songs really work well because they can give a different perspective or solution to the main message rather than it sounding like you're repeating yourself all the time.

Although you've written it in a really nice way, not only structurally, but lyrically speaking the verses and choruses are kind of putting forward the same message. I think they should be slightly different so it doesn't get boring. I'm sure if you added music or whatever it wouldn't really matter but still, you don't wanna be repeating the same message the whole way through.

Other than those suggestion, I've got nothing else left to say. This was so wonderfully written and I'd love to read some more of your work so please let me know if you post anymore up! You've got a really nice way of wording things, even if the actual message of the poem is rather sad and not so nice. I hope this review helped, feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x

Hello there, Neko

I'm just in love with this poem. Seriously, I love it. It's just the right length and it flows nicely but what got me was the ending. It's an almost natural turn, but brilliant and bitersweet and strong.

There's just one problem and a couple of nitpicks that I found. The pacing first. I love that you didn't stick to one rhyming scheme and even used repetition once but there were some parts that are off. Try reading it over out loud. Also, the length of some lines were inconsistent which slowed down the pace. One typo:
"Now more confuses" ---> confused


And that's all

Keep on writing. Cheers!
Alpha

PS forgive any typos on my part.... I'm writing this on my phone xD

Hi there!

I love this. Really. This brings me back to a time in my life when there was a blog I felt this way about. These lyrics are very relevant and I think a lot of people will be able to relate to them.

At first I was a bit confused by the rhyme scheme is definitely not traditional seeing as the first (stanza? verse?) has the rhyme scheme ABCBDBEB. The only constant here is the B's. This bothered me for a while because I thought the rhyme scheme should've been more traditional and possibly be an ABAB. But as I read on, I realized that it actually worked out fine. By the end I had completely forgot about the rhyme scheme. I was just focused on the lyrics and how beautiful it sounded when I read it.

Here's my only "negative" from this:

Now more confuses

You were a prince in my eyes
You called me your princess
And spun me sweet lies

I really love thi, maybe because it speaks to me so personally. I understand these feelings you're describing and I empathize. A few of my favorite lines:

"As I wish on the stars
But they’re already dead"

"When you pass me by
You’re with her instead
And the memories
Start rushing through my head
The promise you made
And the things you said
Now the life I used to have with you
Is as good as dead"

"You called me your princess
And spun me sweet lies"

These really resound with me and I think they are clever.

A few things I would point out are in the line:

"Now more confuses
Than I was before"

I think you might have meant more "confused"? Maybe go in and change that?

Also, I think that the breaking up of all the words is a little difficult to understand and read and may take away from the overall work. But that might just be because I am reading it as a poem, Im assuming it might supposed to be a song? In which case I think it works well.

Overall I definitely connect with with and can feel your emotions. Thank you for writing this, its lovely.

-Laci <3