See how I move
So rigid and crooked.
These hands you once held with
Have lost their gentleness
Outside this mind
This figure looks just the same
Pieces of puzzles I make out with your words
Place them all together
But the edges are twisted;
Damaged pieces I’m certain that they’ll fit.
And you stayed to help me
But as the clocked ticked
You took your leave.
Stuck in the same misshapen figure
I sit alone
No color, no touch, no affection whatsoever
Gray's and blacks that torture my eyes
But my heart tells me to go on
So I go on, fixing the pieces
Like thorns they cut in between my fingers
My knee’s are beaten
From kneeling down to you
From looking for our pieces.
note: i didn't know how to end it, advise greatly appreciated.
6.28 - i tried to fix the grammar, not sure if its any better. Excuse my grammar though, seeing as i'm awful at it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
my grammar is awful, spelling, punctuation, all that stuff. i needa work on it, but thank you for the advice and suggestions.
Hey there!
I was instantly drawn to the pace of your poem, but then instantly thrown off again by it, simply because I found this line too wordy:
It's probably due to the repetition of the word "hands". Why not rephrase it to say: "These hands you once held," Simpler, and I think, more effective.
This sounds out of place:
This is because it is followed by a period/full-stop, so it's basically a lone sentence as it too ends with a period/full-stop. Therefore, on the line before this one, I'd replace the full-stop with a semi-colon and that way your poem should flow better and this won't seem quite so out of place.
Other than that, I actually enjoyed it! Including the ending, as this is because it feels slightly mysterious and leads us to think about it with our own interpretations, which I adore!
Hope this helped,
Ben
Hey!
That said, there are numerous grammatical errors going on here - eg, random apostrophes, capital letters at the start of lines, and broken sentences (no connectives, for example). The latter of those I guess isn't essential in poetry, but since you're so grammar-heavy in this poem, it makes it just look ugly. I'd revise this first by rereading to get out all the nitpicks, which can be easily spotted if you look carefully.
I actually quite like the ending, in that it feels ongoing and endless. I think it works.
I do believe that there is too much punctuation going on here - it's suffocating. Do we need commas and full stops and the end of every line? It feels like you're just trying to force this into a poem, when in fact is sometimes reads better as overly-abstract prose. Concentrate on building the message before you make it into a poem. In fact, even as a poem, it's too abstract - who is the persona speaking too? Are the clues too subtle?
Good luck!
-Mark
Hello there
There is nothing wrong with your ending, it gives the poem a raw edge.
I am not a fan of the question mark in this line. If it were up to me, I'd leave it out.
I liked the poem though, some deep stuff
Good job
Hey Nayex I thought this was a great poem a bit dark, but was balanced with hope for the future. I wonder if this is based off a past break-up or a lost loved or if you just wrote it on the spot. Whatever the origin I can feel the emotion in your writing and for that I tip my hat to you.
Keep up the great work!
By the way, I thought the ending was perfect.
-Dawn