One
Under the shade of a jiving ash tree in the middle of August, the 15th to be exact, Millicent dreams of flying. The time is approximately 7:26 in the evening, and although she knows her father will be angry, she stays still and tugs on the parched grass around her, pulling it out chunk by chunk. She closes her eyes and envisions endless blue all around her, feels the crushing force of the air as she zips through, over the gray landscape of Kansas City, into the fields and rolling hills to the west. She dreams of racing geese and diving down toward the ground for the sheer thrill, and for scaring the locals.
But Millicent, or Mills as she prefers you call her (because Millicent sounds like a great-grandma sort of name), knows that people cannot fly. And even if she were possessed with that sort of power, her father would undoubtedly remind her that such a thing is a waste of time. He’s all about the academics, you see. He’s all about seeing Mills gets straight A’s—which will never happen—and making sure her only distraction is being a normal child. But what’s wrong with a little adventure? That’s what she asks him and he never responds. Poor Mills has never been on a true adventure in her great ten-year-old life, and it troubles her profusely.
And in two days her glorious summer of abounding possibilities will officially end with no adventure, no excitement other than playing video games with the crusty Perkins kids and sitting through piano lessons with Fergus. That’s an atrocity if you ask me, Art. That’s a waste of a summer, surely it is. A certain someone else agrees with me.
“You’d like to fly, eh? And what makes you think flying is so marvelous, so hogwashy picky-packy dandy, girl?”
Mills jumps half a foot in the air and hits her head against the tree, like any person would when a creepy voice like that comes out of a tree. She looks around, nothing. It must be the heat, she thinks, because there’s silence for a second. It is ninety-five degrees out, isn’t it? She lies back down and closes her eyes.
“Are you deaf? I could hear your thoughts miles away and had to come, but don’t tell me now you’re deaf.”
“Who are you?” Mills demands, keeping her eyes sealed and pointing a finger at something, whatever it is.
“You never answered my first question. Until then I will offer up no answers,” sniffed the low, crackly voice.
“Oh, right. What did you ask again?”
“I asked what makes you think flying is so marvelous, so…”
“Right, right.”
Finally she opens her eyes, because why answer a question to a faceless something? Mills likes to know who she’s talking to when she’s talking.
“Gah! What are you?” she shrieks.
The thing has floated down to face her, hovering just a bit too close for comfort.
“No answers! Not until you answer me, girl. My, your ears are far too small, practically gone underneath that awful deluge of curls, no wonder.”
You see, Mills is quite so disheveled because the thing facing her, floating just two feet above the ground, is what looks like a diseased, pot-bellied fox with a huge crooked tail. His ears, black and occasionally missing patches of fur, are each a foot long, but his body is no more than two-foot-four in all. His eyes are black with tiny yellow irises, his eyebrows thick and long, and his mouth a devilish smirk with one chipped tooth sticking out near the back.
“Well,” Mills stutters and stumbles over words. “Well why wouldn’t flying be fun, you tell me that? Soaring through the sky without fences or roads, dropping garbage on whoever you’d like, freaking out the birds, messing with people’s heads.”
“I’d say the birds wouldn’t be so freaked out. And clever, Mills, very clever giving me a question for an answer. Now we are entangled in a mess of queries.”
“Wait, how do you know my name?”
“Now, now, you’re going to overwhelm me. Let’s start from the beginning. I am Mr. Hu, and I am a Festerfox sprite. Flying is no fun and ficky charade of tomfoolery; it’s getting bugs up your noses and bird dung in your fur and its four times as exhausting as walking or running.”
“But I don’t have any fur-,“
“Let me finish girl! One more answer. I know your name because I know all names and know all faces. It is one of the many great powers of the Festerfox.”
“Wonderful. And you can read minds too. Now why are you here? I was just minding my own business, not asking to be harassed by some freakish monster-thing. I’m not even sure I believe what’s going on. I still think I’m just hallucinating.”
And for the first time, Mr. Hu does not answer. He snickers, exposing more chipped, yellowed teeth, and takes Mills’s arm into his grimy cracker-sized paws.
“You wanted an adventure, let’s go on one.”
Who knows how he can hold her weight, but he hoists her up into the air and they’re ascending. As they rise, her right wrist starts to burn furiously and she doesn’t know why. Not to mention her feet start to tingle and she smells something like gingerbread and licorice, which certainly doesn’t originate from the lovely Mr. Hu.
“No!” she yells, squirming in the sprite’s little hands.
“Where are we off to?”
“Let me down! You’re going to kill me!”
“But of course I don’t want that. That’s certainly not what I want at all,” he said with a raspy chortle. “I’d be in a trite bit of trouble if I got you killed.”
Finally she wrestles herself free and is released. After falling ten feet onto the scratchy field she thinks maybe there was a better way of getting down, and her skull would be a lot less angry if she had. Mr. Hu is looking irate and swoops down toward her.
“Well suit yourself. I’ve done my part,” he rattles. Mills is about to retort when the thing just evaporates. Just as he’s almost disappeared, he condenses into a tiny speck and SWISH, gone.
Now mind you, Mills is mighty confused, mighty sore from her fall, and mighty upset at the thing’s pure lack of cordiality. She sits there, under the jiving ash tree for twelve minutes, taking deep breaths to slow her tittering heart, and massaging the knot behind her left ear. The sun’s just getting behind the line of trees and now she really must get home, if not to prevent a reprimand, to share with her father this horrific tale.
And so Mills stands up, straightens her dirt-covered clothes, and mounts her bike to get back home. It takes a good seventeen minutes, even with her pedaling faster than ever she has, and she’s practically collapsing when she reaches her door. Just as she enters and is about to call out for her dad she sees him straight in front of her, and he’s not alone. He’s talking heatedly to an impish girl with flaming hair. They stop talking. They look at her and for a moment it’s quiet. Then the weird little thing bounds up to Mills with an airless sort of waltz and holds out her hand.
“Millicent, a pleasure to meet you. Biddy Brennan. I will be your new mentor as you make your transition. Welcome to the delightful world of the Qimunu.”
A/N: This is a very very rough work so far. Please let me know what you think! Be brutal. Also, I mentioned last time that this is an illustrated work, in fact reliant on images to carry certain parts of the story. However, I'm a bit hesitant to post my illustrations here, so for now, just text. :)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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All right, first of all: do not use random words just because they sound nice. "Tittering" means a specific kind of laughter, so how is Mills' heart tittering? And then you say that the impish girl moves in "an airless sort of waltz". What does that mean? What does an airless waltz look like?
Suddenly you drop the formal style for no apparent reason. This is a good time to decide whether you want to use an old-fashioned style of narration in a story set in modern times. If you're just using it because "fantasy always has a formal tone": it doesn't.
Again, are you writing for younger readers? If so, you can probably get away with much less formality. For instance, Eragon can say "Let's have some fun!" because he's the hero of a young adult novel (and his author was an actual teenager when he wrote it).
Speaking of Eragon, someone on this very site described its first chapter as "a farm boy describing the sunset in words he shouldn't know." Which is to say, keep your audience and protagonist in mind.
I see the last review was over ten years ago, so perhaps my efforts are for naught. Hopefully not.
I have to say that i think this is great. I can't really see any flaws in the current work. It's interesting and definitely strikes my curiosity. You really draw the reader in by being somewhat cryptic but not boring. I can't wait to read more. I'm excited to learn more about this transformation that Millicent is going through and to just keep reading. I hope you post some of your illustrations too. Overall i enjoyed the story and can't wait to read more!
Thanks so much for your review! I'll post more soon, hopefully with an illustration or two
Hey naturesgirl!
I'm slightly nitpicky with the approximately and 7:26. That's kind of a precise timing to mention and the approximatel throws me off balance. Unless that was your intended effect in which case, awesome!Interesting fantastical world you've got here! So couple of comments.
I've never seen such a tone used in fantasy a lot. It's interesting and I'm not sure I like it very much right now or not. Time will tell!
As John said, you need to focus on the conversation between Millie and Festerfox more. It needs some more emotion that affects the word choices. I do like Mills, kind of a free spirit kid, and that she dreams of flying is a testimony to this. But her rant about the father could be made a bit more non-commonplace/trite and a little more interesting.
I'd like to see some more description in the next chapter, so that as a reader we get some more solidity. I know fantasies tend to load up on description but a minimal amount is essential so that the readers live in the story.
I'd like to see what else this offers. Keep up the good writing!
Hi Lava! Thanks so much for your review. I may post revisions later, and I'll get the next chapter up (illustration included) hopefully this weekend!
I don't really know how you are supposed to begin a review, so I will just start.
First: Imagery is not a problem for you. I could see the landscape that you wanted and I was able to create the land somewhat on my own because you didn't over-explain like some writers will.
Second: As soon as I began reading this, I was immediatly less interested in it simply because it was written in the present tense. I've always found that works of Fantasy written in the present tense just tend to be less interesting. There is something ominous and interesting about writing in the past tense, which is crucial for any fantasy story. This is a style thing for each writer, so you really don't have to pay any attention to it.
Third: The dialouge wasn't believable at all. As soon as Millie started talking, I started thinking of her as a teenager and not a ten year old child. The conversation between the spirit and Millie was too artificial for me. Readers need to be able to believe that whatever they are reading could actually be said. What I do to fix this problem is read all of my writing, dialouge and action, in a british accent to see if people would actually say the things I'm writing. Just don't do that around non-writers because I have gotten some weird looks.
Fourth: Everything happened so fast! I was like "Aww! A little girl wants to fly!" and then I was like "Fox thing?" and then I was like "Qimunu?". I have this problem too. I want everything important to happen as soon as possible but, alas, the world is against us! They want fluff and build up and stuff like that. I reccomend that you get into the practice of writing all of the important scenes first, and then filling in things inbetween all of the important stuff. My literary terms are probably astounding.
Fifth: This is the kind of story that has limitless potential. You could take this and turn it into the next sensation easily. Make this your own and take it off the ground. I can already tell that it is going to be great.
Sixth: I probably have so many spelling errors in this review, but that is only because my spellcheck is in French so all of my English words appear with that red line under them.
NICE STORY!!
Hello JohnLocke1, thanks for your review! It was extremely helpful. The present tense thing is just a trial, I'll likely nix it. I also do want to slow things down before Mr. Hu appears, just am not sure what to include. I want the beginning to be overwhelming and quick-moving, but not so much as it is now. I may post revisions later. Thanks again!