I liked it, had raw emotion that a lot of readers can appreciate. Maybe be careful of run on sentences, and have more paragraphs at the beginning. Besides those I think its a great story and has a lot of potiential.
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Ella sat alone in her empty bedroom staring out the wall length window. She was crying hysterically as she watched the snowflakes fall before her. 'I miss him so much' she thought to herself and then repeated it aloud several times-- each time her words grew louder and louder until found herself screaming then she realized her bedroom no longer had furniture in it-- realizing the only thing in her bedroom with her was her purse and her car keys for she had taken the two hour ride to get to the place she had still called home and had to sneak into her old pretty house through the back and broken screen door. She fell back onto the floor with her long blonde hair spread evenly behind her. Her big blue eyes were pouring tears of sadness. Ella was freezing for the heat had been shut off and she grabbed her coat even tighter to preserve her body heat. She finished her fit and left the room with her keys and purse. Now at the age of seventeen Priscilla (who hadn’t gone by that name for nearly fifteen years) VanTassel found herself still driven back to her old house looking for ways to remember Brad's touch. She was ready to leave until she passed the doorway to the parlor. She took a few steps backward and lingered in the doorway staring inside at the full length uncovered windows, pictureless walls, and uncovered wooden floors. The room had been lit naturally by the brightness of the snow. It had still, even without the beautiful furniture and the gorgeous red curtains, looked lovely and old memories of Brad and happiness overwhelmed her causing a pitiful smile to creep upon her face. It had been awhile since her last smile.
She closed her eyes and imagined... Her parents had been gone that night which left the house to only her and Brad. She was upset over something little and had stormed away from him and made a scene for some of his attention, which she had loved so much. He chased her all through her big house-- he had known the house as well as she did for he had been so often-- her game had become fun and eventually her mood brightened and she found herself laughing at his acted inability to catch her-- she ran quickly into the parlor where he had trapped her and grabbed her in his arms-- "I love you, Ella!" he said as he squeezed her tightly, "You'll never be able to run from me! I'll always catch you and you'll always love it." Ella assured him that she loved him back and that nothing could ever change that and before she had finished her sentence Brad had put his hands around her waist and pressed his forehead against hers. Naturally her arms floated upward and adjusted themselves around his shoulders and their bodies moved to their own rhythm. He sang to her-- she hadn't remembered the words which made her cry there, alone in the doorway, but she had remembered his voice perfectly and the butterflies she had once gotten from him returned.
Poor Ella had then suddenly snapped into reality and realized she would never have her Brad again as she looked at the empty room and continued through the empty house.
Ella got into her car and, like always she had assured herself that she would never return and convince herself that Brad will always just be apart of the past. She slowly exited her old long stone driveway and saw the iron gates for (what she swore to be) the last time and started again, to cry.
I liked it, had raw emotion that a lot of readers can appreciate. Maybe be careful of run on sentences, and have more paragraphs at the beginning. Besides those I think its a great story and has a lot of potiential.
nattynessa wrote:She was crying hysterically as she watched the snowflakes fall before her.
nattynessa wrote:She fell back onto the floor with her long blonde hair spread evenly behind her. Her big blue eyes were pouring tears of sadness.
nattynessa wrote:Ella was freezing for the heat had been shut off and she grabbed her coat even tighter to preserve her body heat.
nattynessa wrote:Now at the age of seventeen Priscilla (who hadn’t gone by that name for nearly fifteen years) VanTassel found herself still driven back to her old house looking for ways to remember Brad's touch.
nattynessa wrote:She was ready to leave until she passed the doorway to the parlor. She took a few steps backward and lingered in the doorway staring inside at the full length uncovered windows, pictureless walls, and uncovered wooden floors.
nattynessa wrote:The room had been lit naturally by the brightness of the snow.
nattynessa wrote:It had still, even without the beautiful furniture and the gorgeous red curtains, looked lovely and old memories of Brad and happiness overwhelmed her causing a pitiful smile to creep upon her face.
nattynessa wrote:It had been awhile since her last smile.
nattynessa wrote:She closed her eyes and imagined
nattynessa wrote:Ella assured him that she loved him back and that nothing could ever change that and before she had finished her sentence Brad had put his hands around her waist and pressed his forehead against hers. Naturally her arms floated upward and adjusted themselves around his shoulders and their bodies moved to their own rhythm.
nattynessa wrote:Poor Ella
nattynessa wrote:Ella got into her car and, like always she had assured herself that she would never return and convince herself that Brad will always just be apart of the past.
nattynessa wrote:She slowly exited her old long stone driveway and saw the iron gates for (what she swore to be) the last time and started again, to cry.
Well, it could be improved.
Paragraph structure:
It seems a lot of these are shorter than they should be. Especially the ones with thoughts or dialouge (short as it may be). For dramatic effect, make those paragraphs of their own.
Now, on the topic of paragraphs, seeing as you're a new member, please read the Before you post, rules, and FAQ's, which are all surprisingly not sleep inducing, and really helpful.
I'll give you a shortcut here, double space between paragraphs. It's easier on the eyes, and you'll find that more people will read your postings!
Good job, I hope to see you around the site!
-JC
thanks for the feedback.
and yeah, it's only a sort of beginning... i'm stuck and am not sure where i'm going yet.
grew louder and louder until found herself screaming then she realized her bedroom no longer had furniture in i
The room had been lit naturally by the brightness of the snow
grew louder and louder until found herself screaming then she realized her bedroom no longer had furniture in i
The room had been lit naturally by the brightness of the snow
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