*If you could read the first two parts!*
June 2014
Deck- His Bike
Shwoo-Shwoo-Shwoo.
I gotta keep going, Deck thought to himself.
Shwoo-Shwoo-Shwoo. The gears on his bike chanted the same song every night. It repeated itself over and over until it finally came to stop right back where it started from.
Shwoo-Shwoo-Shwoo. His hairy, caramel legs pedaled so fast they barely had time to catch up to the thoughts in his mind. He effortlessly shifted into the 4th gear and slowed down give himself a break.
Everyone has a habit that they can’t break. Some love the burning sensation of nicotine in their system, others relish in the smell of those special fresh-baked “brownies”, and some people loved watching back to back episodes on Netflix. Deck’s was late night biking.
It started when his Uncle gave him a bike for his fourteenth birthday. It was a sleek gray color with white stripes and it came with a bright bumble-bee yellow helmet. He didn’t use it much until his Uncle began questioning its use when he came around.
At first, he used it for small things. He would bike around the neighborhood and ride down hills with his friends. Then it grew into something more. To escape the Levittown world he was living in, he would bike in the afternoon around 6 and return at 7. His parents didn’t mind until he started leaving at 6 and returning at 9 or even 10. Now, they were accustomed to seeing him head to the garage at night.
It was the feelings and sensations he would get that kept him addicted. The wind draping over his body and whipping against his nylon shorts was indescribable. The pounding of his heart and feeling it run through every vein set him aflame. And the thrill of being in control was insatiable. This was his version of a high.
However, tonight there was something different in the air. He started at 9 and hadn’t felt the urge to stop until now.
As he slowed down he headed towards a gas station where the only cars were a black Nissan and a gray Toyota. He parked his bike in front of them and inspected them for a moment. They were shiny and looked as if they had just been bought. The headlights sparkled, and the interior looked fairly clean.
These cars look so out of place here, he thought himself. But then again he couldn’t say anything. He was a suburban kid with a shiny bike on the outskirts of town late at night.
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
I think this was a great start to what I hope will be a full novel. I had some questions as to why parents would let their son go biking that late at night. The way you used the sounds was a great touch. It gives me an idea of how fast and how hard he was pedaling. Would have liked to read more dialogue between Deck and maybe a friend or some other midnight biker.
Thanks for reading! I do intend to actually finish this novel. The story is actually non-linear and revolves around 5 main characters (Deck is one of them) the first three parts are the introduction to help set up the story. I appreciate your feedback! I will hopefully be able to answer some of those questions for you.
Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.
This is great. Very descriptive and well written. There's not much here for me to nitpick, in fact there was only two small typos that I spotted:
I think you meant, "he thought to himself."
In this case, "uncle" doesn't need to begin with a capitalized U.
Other than that, this is pretty perfect.
I love, love, love that. It tells us more about the character without making it too obvious, and the examples used here are spot-on.
Great work!
Thanks for following my story I really appreciate it! I'll change those errors too!
Nice work! Your descriptions are very nice and I enjoy how you started writing this.
Using sound is very effective to start with in a short story like this one, and I just find it really good.
So, I also like the ending here, it's very nicely done but I feel there is room for improvement there. Just breaking it up a bit more. So maybe:
"But then again he couldn't say anything. He was (just) a suburban kid with a shiny bike(, cycling) on the outskirts of town. Late at night."
Maybe something like that? Just to give the reader some space to process it and not keep it in one sentence
Really nice descriptions though and fabulous ideas! Keep it up!
-CFG
Thanks for reading! And I when I was writing the last line I was thinking a lot about that and I wasn't sure if I should try to break it up or not. I'll most likely change that last bit. Thanks for reading!