Published July 15, 2011
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138,299 Literary Works • 672,099 Reviews
Exceptional work! it shows deep emotion within words, it tells a story and it captures you!
This is amazing work! i only wish that i could write as good as you poetry it is awesome!
My only advice is simply write more poetry because you are very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you all for your critiques and comments I will work on it and post the edited version.Again thanks alot.
I was definitely feeling it. Partly, it's because I can sympathize--my sister's one of my best friends now, but for a long time I struggled trying to measure up to someone that seemed perfect--but mostly it was because you laid your soul out there and were willing to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a super hard and frightening place to reach--there are a lot of things I don't write about--and I commend you for your courage. My biggest critique is on a technical level. You disclaimed that you're not good at poetry, but I don't think that's the case. I think you could be quite good with a little training and I'd encourage you to stick with poetry for awhile to see if you can get the kinks ironed out.
As far as this poem goes specifically, there were moments when it seemed like you were going for a rhythm scheme, but then there were lines that completely didn't fit. The first two lines were incredibly rhythmic (as was the fifth), the third and fourth were not at all, and I couldn't tell about the sixth. Poetry can have a rhythm scheme or not, but it's better if you make it clear. As you're writing, try reading individual lines out loud. It can help you get a feel for the rhythm thing.
The ending is really intriguing. I'm not quite sure what you mean, but I have a vague idea. This is as it should be. Poetry is based in metaphor and word picture--something the earlier portion could use more of--but the end is absolutely perfect. If you change things around, and add metaphor, you ought to leave the last line exactly as it is. It's haunting.
Thanks so much for putting this out there. Keep writing--I enjoyed reading it and I hope to hear more from you!
Ur poem was so beautiful it tellsnhow someone really feels about life
I think u shod post slot mor stuff like that thnx for posting
Heehee I feel this way about my sister...and I'm the older one haha. This is a nice poem and I'm glad that it's short and to the point. I would add more about jealousy. I would also fix this line:
I reccommend that you split the line where the sentence ends and a new one begins, so it doesn't upset the reader. Then again, I'm a nitpicky reviewer. Other than those two things, I think you captured the feeling nicely. The ending was quick and sharp, sending the reader into thinking about what the person (you, I suppose) will do. Let me assure you that is not a path you want to go down.
Ciao! I hoped I helped!
-Nana
I liked this. Its like a secret way that everyone feels about someone in their life. There's always that person who you are jealous of. It's very connectable. Maybe just add a bit more how the unfairity is shown and how your envy almost consumes you but other than that I loved it!