Published September 26, 2008
The stars listen
as I call your name.
You never answer.
The moon prays
you will find me here.
you never do.
The morning hides
whilst I wait for you.
You never arrive.
It is I alone
who feels the heartbreak.
Love is abandoned.
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141,465 Literary Works • 674,483 Reviews
i liked it, it's very cute and meaningful...you actually can "feel" what you've felt when you wrote it...
emm...
"It is I alone"
isn't it supposed to be "me" instead of "i"???
well, i wish a wonderful week
this doesn't even make sense. what do the stars have to do with anything? are they a metaphor for emptiness? if so, then use an emptier phrase such as desert, space void...stars have too much meaning so that the reader doesnt understand which one your trying to place upon the poem.
really, what is with this meaningless personification? the moon...why does it pray? what connection does it have with you? Maybe you're a werewolf? I cant think of any other reason why you would randomly associate yourself with the moon without any precedent.
blah blah emo. i dont want to see the same trite ideas resurfaced over and over again. so you love a guy and he doesn't love you back. i've seen that plot too many times to care; make it impressionable, put a twist in it, or just make it more interesting than "It is I alone who feels the heartbreak". Not to mention that the quoted sentence is very awkward in the first place...
To add on to what charliebo said about the last stanza, i think it's because in the first three you have an "article + noun + verb" thing going on and then you have "It is I alone" which doesn't fit that pattern. In the same way, the last line of that stanza changes the "You never [verb]." However, I think you could not only get away with this but that it would be incredibly effective if everything else keeps to its pattern. Aside from those stylistic things, for the last stanza I would say another disruption is that the first three are about you waiting and the last one jumps to you giving up with no gradation.
Despite this, it is a beautiful poem and I feel your pain.
heya natanoona. That should really be changed to your actual name.
This is a lovely piece. there was just enough for me to digest. Any longer, it would have ruined it and likewise if it was any shorter. All in all, good length!
Also, i may have got it wrong, but when you said the morning hides, did you mean that the night seemed to go on forever whislt you waited? If so, wow! If not, also wow, really.
However my one qualm is the last stanza. I don't know why, but i feel it lets the rest down. I think it is the only cliche in there as you've used such original and thoughtful imagery before. If you were going to change it, i'd change that last stanza.
other than that, really beautiful. It was gorgeous and i think you should write more poetry!!
see you later. from charlie mooooo (mo, not moo as in cow.)
coool. short, sweet and very meaninful. one thing i would say is that it is a little cliched (i think) but i understand that that cant be helped and tbh, i dont think it matters that much.
i love how it is short and precise.
good work
bisquit aka becky! xx