The cool breeze drifted through the leaves, shifting emeralds sway and still. The sun glistens and shines into my eyes, I close them, and the rays warm my face. I breathe in the morning air, still damp from last nights freeze. Spring is a mixture of cold nights and warm days.
The low branch is comfortable; my bare feet lightly skim the clear stream, in my hands, a blue book. It is much like my blue dress, light and sturdy. I've lace on my wrists and neck, I do not enjoy the sharp, cold touch of gold or silver, but rather the softness of silk, like feathers. A ribbon is in my hair, canary yellow, it hold my wavy locks back.
A rustle below me startles me, and I almost fall into the river. Deciding to stop being reckless, I slowly descend, only to fall to the ground. My situation makes me laugh. How funny that the reason I was leaving the tree, was that I would not fall?
I hear another rustle from below the hill. Curious, I pick myself up and step carefully down. I hope it isn't the wind. For a cool spring day, it is awfully boring. And then, with a miss-step, I tumble down the rest of the way. Mother always complains that I am too clumsy, too lazy, and too rude during gathering...that I should be more like my elder sister, Madilyn.
Madilyn is beautiful. Like me, she has oak hair, but curled beautifully over her shoulders. Every suitor to our house is smitten by her pleasantness, whereas I amn't as subtle.
Again, I try to stand, but before I do, I see the clouds. White, puffy clouds in the shape of a rabbit. I smile and watch it float through the sky, before being engulfed by a larger cloud. And then I remember, the book I had! It must have fallen when I had.
I retry standing (isn't it funny how many times I stand and fall? Maybe Mother was right...) and I accomplish it. Without another thought of the clouds, I tread up the hill to a glimpse a sky blue beneath the grass. Thinking it is my book, I lean over and reach toward it...only to fall. Again.
But, instead of solid ground (or book) I fall through. Imagine suprise, shock and curiosity combined, and you can imagine my face. And I remember the rabbit and the clouds. And I think, this is a rabbit hole.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I enjoyed reading this; particularly your protagonist's descriptive diction, and her nuanced personality. It's important to strike the right balance between the 'ah silly me' depictions of Alice and the uber dark, super serious 'death and gloom' Gothic versions, and I believe you walk the tightrope well. And I appreciate your sentence structure, also fitting for the character.
One thing I noted was in this paragraph:
A rustle below me startles me, and I almost fall into the river. Deciding to stop being reckless, I slowly descend, only to fall to the ground. My situation makes me laugh. How funny that the reason I was leaving the tree, was that I would not fall?
Perhaps you could throw a line or two here to describe the branch she was sitting on in relation to the water below, and really just how precarious her seating position was. As well as I could picture everything else about the character -- her clothes, the weather, etc -- I couldn't tell she was over stream/river.
Thank you all the same, for a good read.
The branch is an overhanging above the river, the trunk on its bank. The river is lazy and slowly runs downhill.
Hey, glad I stumbled upon this. I liked where this story is going and since I couldn't find anything wrong with grammar that hadn't already been pointed out, I'm just focusing on how to make your own story based on another authors works. See, obviously you must have read Alice in wonderland before, so you know the story. I say just focus on the characters themselves. Change the characters personality's, because when you do that, you realize this scene won't work if that character is more happy-go-lucky and this character has experienced more tragedy. Sure, throw in a twist, like maybe Twiddle-Dee is evil and the Red Queen is the good queen. Experiment with what you like and don't, and keep all your idea's in separate page or document. Hope to read more in the future! Have fun:)
Thankyou, I'll be sure to remember that in the future.
Hey! Here to review!
This was definitely interesting. I like your descriptions, the ribbon in her hair, and what her face looks like while she's falling. I also enjoyed her clumsiness; it looks like you're having fun with that!
There are a few things though, that caught my eye.
I'm not too keen, that all there is of the rabbit is a cloud, but than again, congrats on keeping it different from the original... so far!
I noticed you used "amn't" on the fifth paragraph. I don't think that's a word, it should be "am not."
When I saw you had used brackets, naturally, I was disapproving ( I normally don't like it when people use them in actual works... Comments, fine. Reviews, fine. Emails etc. fine. ). However, it seems to fit so well with Alice in Wonderland... So I say, keep the brackets! If it works with the story, it works with the story... I can't argue with that. And, I ended up really liking how you used them.
Anyway, I'm curious to see what you'll be doing with this!
You've got a cool way of writing, so, keep it up!!!
See you around.
-Socks
Thankyou, I'll try to get it to make more sense... But that's what Wonderland is for right? Making no sense.
Also, amn't is a word, it is just fairly unused but if you you look it up, it is there. People used it in ye olde English. heh.
No problem! And now that you mention it, I think I do remember that as an old English word... Oh well, thanks for letting me know!