Brother Moon, Sister Sun - Chapter 1

by na3f

Published February 18, 2016

E - Everyone Violence

In StoryTales and Magic

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DUX

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"One must have survived..."

Ducita's bark was a level whisper, but the ice in her eyes was colder than the snow that fell serenely over them. 

Dux felt her chilling gaze wash over him, pleading for answers. Three immense grey wolves stood beside him. The last great warriors of their pack, perhaps even their kind.

They were exhausted. The battle had lasted well into the night, and the pack had lost many brothers and sisters. They were heading home to their tribe after what they thought would be the final assault on this district, but if their ears had not deceived them, their night was not over.

A "Belua" had survived, and by the sounds of him a big one. An angry one.

Dux, the alpha male, assessed his troops sympathetically. Feror, their most vicious soldier, bore the brunt of the damage. His coat was matted with blood, a dull maroon glowing in the snow. A large crooked gash streaked from the back of his right ear (which now hung by a few nimble threads) to the side of his neck.

To a civilian he would look close to death, but Dux was a seasoned veteran. There was more blood behind Feror's eyes than what was spilled tonight. His cuts were not deep, and the loss of his ear was superficial. He was ready to fight again, perhaps even excited to.

Dux gave Feror a curt nod, which was returned with gusto. He shifted his gaze to his second in command, Agisteri. The wise wolf showed no signs of damage, on first glance it would seem there was no difference between the wolf that entered their battle fresh, to the wolf that stood before them now. But the eyes do not lie. The cost of avoiding damage is exhaustion, and Agisteri was spotless. Once a bold young Feror had claimed that soldiers without battle scars were cowards. Many years fighting alongside Agisteri had changed his opinion. No easy feat. However, the fact still remained, Agisteri was the most tired of the four. When it came to killing a Belua, Dux assessed exhaustion as a severe battle wound. She was on her last legs.

Dux looked on towards his final soldier, his son, Pectus. The young wolf was a spitting image of his father, if not for his smaller size and lighter coat. He had fought alongside Dux as new warriors do, though three of the four young wolves had perished where Pectus had survived. Whether or not Dux had taken an active interest in keeping his son alive over his other soldiers, was a mental battle he would have if they survived the physical one looming before them. Dux's young heart was beating eagerly, and thought he was inexperienced, his health and alertness were great assets this late in battle. The only wolf in better shape than Dux's three soldiers was Ducita, their guide.

Ducita was not of their tribe. She was an Iberian wolf from the bordering Adcolian district. Sagax, Ducita's alpha, had ordered her to guide Dux's soldiers through the Adcolian wilderness in order to eliminate the Belua horde that had ravaged her tribe. She had led them to the Belua, but had kept a reasonable distance from the battle. Dux didn't blame her.

There was one last wolf for Dux to assess, and that was Dux himself. The gray wolf's hulking figure towered over the other four. From a distance you would swear a young Belua was walking towards you(and many young wolves had run home thinking so).

Up close his appearance was not much softer. Three jagged scars ran from the top of his great head to the tip of his snout, a part of his nose missing, as if his creator had forgotten to colour in his nose completely. His coat was the darkest shade of grey, that at night time he was merely a shadow. If you did not look twice at Dux, you would think him a beast, a true freak of nature. But the eyes of a wolf do not lie. You would find no savageness there. Behind those windows was an endlessly vast ocean. Beautifully tranquil and calm, but an immensely awesome power lay in its waters. Heaven help the fool who provokes a storm.

Dux took a deep breath, and prepared to speak. But before he could deliver his orders, a murderous, blood curdling roar broke the silence again. It was a true monster...and it wasn't far.

"Pectus, on me. We will approach it from the front. Feror, you will run as far East as you can without losing our scent. Agisteri you will do the same to the West. When you hear my signal, Feror will run like the hounds of hell are at his heels, and flank our unwanted guest with all his might."

Dux paused for the spirited (or bloodthirsty) response from Feror that usually followed his orders, but it did not come. He simply began moving East. A shadow of doubt crossed Dux's mind. Perhaps he had wrongly assessed his wounds. It was too late to re-plan, he would have to maintain faith.

He continued.

"Agisteri, I want you to conserve your energy, approach at a slower pace to assess the situation. If it's wounds are heavy, and you can finish him, you must...if we have failed completely, you must outrun the beast back to Domusta, prepare who is able for battle. "

"Understood." 

Agisteri gave a curt nod before heading West.

Dux turned to Ducita.

"This is where you leave us. You must go to Domusta and let my people know of what has transpired."

"I am honoured to have served alongside your warriors," Ducita replied, bowing low.

"Honour me by reaching Domusta in one piece," Dux said shortly.

Ducita bounded off to the north.

Dux moved closer to Pectus. Father and son, shoulder to shoulder. They stood in silence, but with calm understanding. Two wolves silhouetted against the beautifully layered snow, enjoying the small flakes that melted on their tired tongues.

CRACK

A large tree branch had snapped not too far in front of them, and the Belua's stench filled their noses.

"On guard son."

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FEROR

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Feror walked steadily East. He had hidden the extent of his wounds successfully from Dux. And his wounds extended from Adcolion to Domasta ten times over. A particularly vicious Belua had thrust a claw in-between his ribs to what felt like his lower lung.

Dux would have ordered him to go home if he had known, but Feror knew the odds. Agisteri was exhausted, and Pectus too young. That left only one able warrior, Dux, to fend off the attack.

Feror would not let his brothers and sisters die alone, just so he may live. Besides, there was no guarantee the healers in Domasta could fix him anyway.

But with each step, his breath began to get harsher, and a chilling thought began to invade Feror's mind.

What if I can't make it back to them?

The bloodied grey wolf came to a stop. He had a decision to make, and as a familiar smell tickled his nostrils, he would have to make it fast.

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PECTUS

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A strained, ragged howl pierced through the black night to the East.

"Feror?" Pectus questioned his father bewildered.

The young wolf's muscles were tight. His blood hot with anticipation of battle, but his concentration broken. Though he was a bold fighter, inheriting much of his instinct from his father, Pectus was still very inexperienced on the battlefield - improvisation was not his strong suit. He was slightly embarrassed that in this moment, he was relieved his father stood next to him in the snow.

Dux had not yet responded. His gaze was still fixed intently forward, where the tree branch had cracked. Even now, Pectus still found his fathers presence intimidating. He, like Agisteri was free from any battle damage, and he was not foolish enough to believe it was of his own doing. There were many instances where he was careless, not checking his blind spots often in the heat of his attacks, only to turn and see his father dragging an enemy from a hairs-breadth away. How many time did Dux render this service to his brothers and sisters? Dux had certainly kept his distance from Pectus on their way back home after battle.

"Should we go to hi-?"

"It's is moving away from us...to the East," Dux interrupted.

Pectus concentrated his efforts to his senses. It's scent was certainly fainter, and no longer in front of them. The snow had stopped falling. The night turned eerie. Like a bated breath before a plunge from a waterfall. He hated the water.

Suddenly, Dux bounded from his post. Galloping full speed to the East. Pectus only hesitated for a quarter second, before following his leader.

His muscles were tight again, his blood hot, and head steady. The chase was on.

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FEROR

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The snow fall had ceased. Most wolves would think this ominous, but Feror was thankful. The blood from his torn ear had begun to trickle over his left eye, hindering his visibility. The snowfall only impaired his vision further.

His breaths were slow, and ragged. The howl had overexerted him, but he needed it to carry not only to Dux, but to Agisteri too. He now remained on his haunches, conserving as much energy as he could for his final battle.

In the quiet, Feror allowed his mind to wander back to Domusta. The midnight hunting party would have left not long ago. He longed to join them again. His family. Agisteri, would have brought up one of her theories of how their world came to be, and it would only be a matter of time before the conversation descended into one of their late night squabbles. The thought brought him comfort. Feror wondered whether he would ever see her again, and his mood dimmed.

The stench of Belua had been all he could smell for the last ten minutes, he was getting sick of it. Either the blackness of the night was melding with the shadows of the woods in front of him, or his condition was deteriorating. This wasn't a big problem. The Belua weren't known for their subtlety. He would be able to fight one of this size blind, but he would prefer not to do so.

Just when his calm began to border on impatience, a large shadow started to grow from the edge of the woods. It extended slowly for about two metres, before coming to a stop. It was as if a boulder had rolled out of the trees. If he had fought one as large as this before, he could not remember it. It was roughly three times his height, and at least ten times his weight. The boulder remained deathly still. It was sizing him up.

Feror let out an involuntary whine. His head was now throbbing with pain, his blood hot with fever, and his muscles cramping. This was his end.

A burst of furious adrenaline pumped through his veins, at displaying weakness before his enemy. His bloodied lips curled into a vicious snarl.

"Go on. You've had me waiting long enough. Pig." he barked, with venom.

A deafening roar erupted through the pitch black sky. It came down on him like an avalanche. Within momemts, the Belua was within feet of Feror. The ground began to shake beneath his paws, as if a herd of wildebeest were stampeding his way. He could see it's bone white fangs, six inches long, jagged and cruel. It's wicked claws glinting metallic in the moon light. There was vile carnage in its eyes. Feror's legs began to buckle. His body would not allow him to fight.

Feror closed his tired eyes. The impact lifted him off his paws.

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Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Feb 24, 2016

Hello! Welcome again! :D I'm here as requested, and I apologize for the delay! Let's get started.

You've already gotten some great reviews on this so I'm going to keep things somewhat brief. First of all, your writing itself is quite good. You're doing a lot of things really well and you have the basic mechanics of writing down, so kudos there! I'm not going to go into nit-picks or super specific thoughts for that reason and I'll be keeping things more general. However, if you would like some specific line-by-line sort of feedback, let me know and I can go back and do that!

The other thing I liked about this chapter is that you started with the action. You didn't waste a lot of time setting up the world or giving us all of the background information, you brought us right into the thick of the situation. As a reader, I have so many questions about who they're fighting and why and what's going to happen next, and that's exactly how you want to start a story off.

The first chunk started to feel a bit repetitive with all of the discussion of who is injured and how. I felt a bit lost in all of the characters and I found it next to impossible to keep them all straight because they're all wolves and they all have unfamiliar names and they're all injured in some way. I'm sure they're all going to end up being important to the story because otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned them. Do they all have to be introduced by name in the first chapter? Can you refer to some of them more generally at least for now? You have the whole rest of the novel to get into who each of them are. I'm afraid that by naming them all right off the bat you'll overwhelm your reader and your reader will be a bit frightened to continue because there is so much information.

Another thing to consider is how you're going to do the different narratives. I was a little surprised to see the chapter breaks and then a new character name - I'm guessing that signifies a perspective shift. This happened four times in the first chapter. Again, as a reader, that is a bit overwhelming. It's totally fine if you want to do perspective changes throughout the story - that's a very common literary tool. However, I personally prefer entire a perspective to be consistent throughout the entire chapter. If you tend to do long chapters, then maybe two perspectives throughout the chapter. This way, you have the time and space to really get into the perspective and get a feel for that perspective before it shifts. Each perspective should feel unique because that will help us differentiate the characters.

So here, I would think about which perspective is the most critical to show this chapter. I'm not sure what the right answer to that is, it's up to you to decide. Another thing to think about is whether or not you need to differentiate different perspectives in this way. Your story is in third person and when you do third person, you can head hop without formerly signifying that you've done that. Experiment with if you can take out the names that start off each scene and if you can transition between the characters just with prose. Again, what you end up doing is up to you as this is your novel, but it's something to consider. :)

I'll leave things there for now, but please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! I hope you're enjoying the site so far and I'm glad you're already getting involved! I look forward to seeing more of you, and let me know if there is anything else I can do to help you get used to the site :D

User avatar
Yuriiko
Review
Yuriiko wrote a review Review · Feb 21, 2016

Hello na3f!

Thanks for the request! I'm glad I read this piece. Although I'm not much familiar with non-human narrative, I find this refreshing and easy to read. There are great elements supported in this chapter such as the use of "wolf" senses, lovely descriptions and the suspense build-up to hold my interest to the story, so thumbs up for that.

Perhaps my main concern here is the introduction. Since it's supposed to start with Dux's POV, I got confused when Ducita and other characters were additionally mentioned. I think you were initially giving too much content in one place. I understand you're using the 3rd omniscient, however since the chapter format appears to divide the three main character's POV, I think you can spread out information bit by bit and not squeezing it into one.

Agisteri, would have brought up one of her theories of how their world came to be, and it would only be a matter of time before the conversation descended into one of their late night squabbles.


Secondly, (this is just a minor thing though) only until the last part did the narrator reveal Agisteri's gender. At first, I thought there were three males and only one female, Ducita. So, I suggest giving a clearer but brief portrayal of Algisteri to the scene.

On the technical note, I don't really have much to say. The execution was great and the verb consistency was evident throughout the chapter, so you deserve a pie for that.

Overall, awesome first chapter. I don't think this review was helpful but oh well-- there's nothing really negative on this chapter I can pinpoint or comment on. If you have any questions, please let me know. Everything's based entirely on my opinions and views.

Can't wait to read more.

Keep writing!

na3f replied · Feb 22, 2016

Thanks very much for your review! I see what you mean about Agisteri's gender being ambiguous at the beginning (a few people have now pointed this out to me) so I will look for a way to work it in to the very start of the chapter - that was the push I needed :).

I'm still trying to find a way to make the first chapter less confusing in terms of which character it revolves around, hopefully I can find the right balance.

Again, thank you for your helpful review. I hope you'll be able to read my second chapter when it's up!

User avatar
RubyRed
Review
RubyRed wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2016

Hey is Keepwriting here again. I loved this so much (I already cant wait to read more xD). The description and feel to your writing made me feel like I was there with Feror and the rest of them. It sort of captivated me. Feror is probably my favorite character already. He can't die! :( Anyway, I will lay down some more tips for you.

I think you took my last review the wrong way when I said you need a comma for your quotations. Because you put:

"Feror?", Pectus questioned his father bewildered.


This sentence doesn't need a comma there because you have a question mark there. You wouldn't need one there if you had an exclamation point either. The only time you'd point a comma is when you have something like this.

Example: "Hello my name's Feror," he said. (cheesy example).

Like here:

"It's is moving away from us...to the East.", Dux interrupted.


Commas always go inside the quotation marks:

"It's moving away from us... to the east," Dux interrupted.

Also when east, west, south, and north are used as directions then you don't capitalize them.

"Go on. You've had me waiting long enough. Pig.", He barked, with venom.


Now here you're using "pig" as direct address therefore you will write it like this:

"Go on. You've had me waiting long enough, pig," he barked with venom.

There's no need for a period and a comma when you use quotations and you put words like: he said, she said, he growl, they remarked at the end all you need to do is replace the period with a comma.

Example:
"Understood." Agisteri gave a curt nod before heading West.


Don't add a comma like this: "Understood.", Agisteri gave a curt...

Instead like this: "Understood," Agisteri gave a curt...

The comma takes the place of the period. That's all I have for this review. Tell me when you have the next chapter posted. I'd love to read it!

Keep writing and never get discouraged!

na3f replied · Feb 18, 2016

My apology about the quotations! I definitely still find dialogue a bit tricky, so thank you for the edits - I'll be going over the piece shortly with a fine tooth-comb.

I'm happy you enjoyed the first chapter, I will definitely let you know when I have another ready :D

Don't apologize! I probably wasn't clear enough. So excited to read more.

User avatar
steampowered
Review
steampowered wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2016

Hello na3f, steampowered here with a review as requested!

Firstly, I really love reading stories that aren’t about humans but instead are about (somewhat anthropomorphised) animals. Wolves are some of my favourite animals, so it’s refreshing to find a fantasy novel that’s told from their perspective.

As I was reading this, I noticed how you refer to Dux, the alpha male. Now, I don’t know much about the culture of these animals, but I believe that wolf packs are not governed by a sole alpha male but also by his female mate. So you might want to take that into consideration.

I really like how you open up the chapter with a lot of tension and world-building, and keep it going throughout. There’s plenty of action to hold the reader’s interest, and the introduction of the Belua immediately helps set up the conflict for the pack.

One of the things I noticed is that your speech tags aren’t formatted correctly. Here’s an example, quoted from the text:

"It's is moving away from us...to the East.", Dux interrupted.


You don’t need a full stop (period) after dialogue if you have a speech tag joined to it (the speech tag in this instance would be “Dux interrupted”) I’d also put the comma inside the speech marks. So, to correctly format this speech tag, Dux’s line would look something like this:

"It's is moving away from us...to the East," Dux interrupted.


If you’re still unsure, look at the way the dialogue’s formatted inside a published book. :)

Another thing I noticed is your use of onomatopoeia – for example, *CRACK*. There’s nothing wrong with onomatopoeia, since it can be an effective way of setting the scene. However, a more literary way to write sound effects would be to remove the asterisks and italicise the word for emphasis. You also don’t need to use all caps. So your instance of *CRACK* would become Crack.

Also, here’s a nitpick on a thing that confused me:

"Agisteri, I want you to conserve your energy, approach at a slower pace to assess the situation. If it's wounds are heavy, and you can finish him, you must.
...
If we have failed completely, you must outrun the beast back to Domusta, prepare who is able for battle. "


I’m not sure what’s happening here. Did the speaker change? If not, you should ideally keep all your speech in one paragraph, if the same character is saying it.

One other small point that kind of bugged me when I read this is Dux’s and Ducita’s names. When you opened this chapter and I saw it was from the point of view of a character named Dux, then promptly read “Ducita” in the first few lines, I automatically assumed Dux was short for Ducita. When it transpired later that they were in fact two completely different characters, it jarred with me a little. If Ducita is less important than Dux, I’d really recommend making her name different to avoid confusion.

Overall, I thought this was really well-written, and I do apologise for having ripped this apart a little, but I wouldn’t be doing so if I didn’t think this work had tremendous potential. Most of my issues are with the formatting, so my main recommendation is that you fix up the speech tags. If you’re still confused by my (probably awful) explanation, take a look at Demeter’s article on punctuation within dialogue. You can find it here.

I think that concludes my review. If I haven’t intimidated you too much with the size of this review (oops) feel free to let me know if you ever want anything else reviewed. Keep writing!

-steampowered-

na3f replied · Feb 18, 2016

Thank you very much! This is the sort of review I love. The feedback is very constructive, so thank you for sharing - I have a lot of editing to do!

I do love wolves so this story was/is an absolute joy for me to write. You are absolutely right about the packs generally have a male and female alpha. I have accounted for that in my story, and the female alpha (who is elsewhere at this point) will be introduced later in the story. I am currently watching a documentary about wolves and reading up on, so hopefully my characters will become more authentic as I keep writing.

Thank you for providing the guide to writing dialogue resource. This is an area that I definitely still find tricky.

I'm off to do so some serious editing! Thanks again for reading, and I hope you can ready chapter 2 when its ready :)

Absolutely! I'm excited to read more! You might have to prod me though, since my memory is terrible. :P

grandpaslippers wrote a review Review · Feb 18, 2016

Hiya!
I don't have much to say, mostly because this is pretty dang flawless. Your descriptions are great, your grammar is literally flawless, and the story itself is fresh and new with a solid plotline already showing his face.
The only thing that came to mind as I was reading is that it was a little bit of an information overload in the beginning. I understand that some is necessary to give the reader a base to stand on but I think the story would become more engaging if you left more action in the beginning and saved the background/details for the next chapters. I like to think of the first chapter as a kind of explosive, hit and run piece if that makes sense.
But overall, very nicely written and I'm sorry I have no other advice for you! :)

na3f replied · Feb 18, 2016

Thank you for your review grandpaslippers (awesome username btw)!

I re-read the start, and I can see what you mean, it is a lot of information to take in straight off the bat. I'll play around with it to see if making the character introductions a bit more concise works. Thank you for reading though, hope it was interesting enough to warrant a read of the second chapter when it's ready? :)

I'm glad it was helpful and good luck! And yes I would love to read the next chapters! I'll keep an eye out for it :)



Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
— Sigmund Freud