Young Writers Society

It's really good; just make sure to capitalize all of the beginning lines so it all looks the same. I really like the rhyming theme it’s really good. Keep up the good work!

I like the way this poem looks on a page and I like the concise, neat-little-package-feel you've got going on here.

This may come off as a somewhat destructive idea, but whenever I see such structured rhymes my first instinct is to break them up. The rhyme here seems somewhat forced and heavy handed. That's not to say you can't write a good poem using rhyme, but unless you're doing a study of Elizabethan era poetry you should bury your rhymes in image and steer clear of the line breaks.

Speaking of images there don't really seem to be any here, at least nothing concrete. Try including something the reader can sink his teeth into. Obviously you want to do whatever feels appropriate to you, but I'm thinking something along the lines of a streetlamp, or a congested nighttime city-street for the first stanza. And may be cliffs or an ocean or something in the second. Closeness versus openness. And then the internal rhyme could reflect that.

Realize that implementing some of these suggestions will probably come at the expense of the concise feel to the poem I mentioned earlier. You just might have to make it longer, or perhaps do away with some parts. I think words like grieve and die are often too heavy to use in a poem these days. I normally wouldn't be brave enough to use them. Sometimes it's better to beat around the bush, you know?

Hope this was helpful.