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by mz88

She seems an aberration to me but couldnt find a reason to abhor.Its the clandestine, she's becoming. I have never seen such a sumptuous personality. Adorable! Her eye-catching smile makes me demure. How radiant face she has, how stunning her eyes are, deep as ocean, pretty as roses, redolent words and flowing expressions in a rhythemic nature. Where bevy of beauties are avoided by her. How diaphanous imagination! 

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17 Reviews

Points: 550
Reviews: 17

Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:08 am
wafflewolf7 wrote a review...

This may be just me being an idiot, but in my opinion, the language used is a little flowery. I just read this and I don't really know what it says. I'm sure it's wonderful, but some people like me who don't understand will be unable to recognize your talent! Also, make sure to add a space between abhor and the period. :)

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737 Reviews

Points: 6058
Reviews: 737

Thu Aug 23, 2018 1:43 am
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there mz and congrats on posting your first piece on yws.

There’s a couple of cosmetic things that bother me about your work. I was originally putting it down to just your your style but now I’m thinking that it might just be a grammar issue. I started reviewing this once upon a time and I believe that it looked a bit different then.
So the first one is just forgetting to leave spaces in between sentences and a lack of apostrophes. There’s some things that can be left down to style but changing those would clean the piece up.

The title is rather vague, as is the work, even with the vivid descriptions that you’re trying for. Imagination sounds like a lot of cliche to me but that’s just how I view things that are toned towards romance.

Carlito has covered a lot of the things that I was thinking of but another thing I would recommend changing is the structure. There’s a couple of ways to do this. I think a major shift to make would be in making “adorable” sit on its own line. That would give you a lot of emphasis that wasn’t really there for me as a reader before.

I can’t quote the structure I’m looking at on mobile but I can add it if you’re interested.
Hope you have a good time on yws.
- Lizz

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mz88 says...

Ofcourse theres always a room of improvement . I shall be thankful if you help me making it better

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1132 Reviews

Points: 49530
Reviews: 1132

Sun Aug 19, 2018 1:13 pm
Carlito wrote a review...

Hey mz! Welcome to YWS! We're happy to have you! :D

This is an interesting little piece. I kind of like that we don't have much context and it's purely a description of this mysterious guy.

One thing that came to me as I read through this was the grammar. I don't usually point out grammar stuff because we're almost always working with first drafts and you don't need to worry about grammar too much in a first draft. But, since this is such a short little thing there aren't really any big picture things to work out first.

He seems an aberration to me ,couldnt find a reason to abhore.

This sentence doesn't make sense. The part before the comma is fine (and there should be no space between me and the comma and then a space after the comma). If you want to keep these two pieces connected you'll need a connecting word like and, but, so, etc.

Its the clandestine ,hes's becoming.

A space after the period in the previous sentence and then change the comma here like I mentioned in the first sentence.

Have never seen such a sumptuous personality.Adorable.

The first sentence is a fragment, you need a subject. Space after the period after personality.

How radiant face he has, how stunning his eyes are , deep as ocean ,pretty as roses,redolent words and flowing expressions in a rhythemic nature.

These commas are all spaced weird and you need a space after the last period.

Where bevy of beauties are avoided by him.How diaphanous imagination!

And a space after this period.

The other thing I noticed was the vocabulary. Now, you could just have an advanced vocabulary and you could be using these words as you would normally use them, but to me it sounds like you were given a list of vocab words (abberation, abhore, clandestine, sumptuous, demure, redolent, diaphanous) and told to put them in a story or that you used a thesaurus to find better words. It's totally fine if you want to use less common words, just be careful of who your audience is and whether they will understand what you're trying to say :)

Overall, intriguing little piece! I hope you stick around the site and continue to share! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's anything I can do to help you get used to the site :D

Random avatar
mz88 says...

Ammm thanku, what do you suggest should i use a lil more common words ? I used them actually to give them a poetic nature meana say something romantic and fantasized

Random avatar
mz88 says...

Now i have made some edits , is it okie now ?

See, we could have been called The Shoes.
— Paul McCartney