This sonnet was written about the first girl I ever fell in love with (and still am in love with). She was generally referred to as Alice, her favorite Disney character, which explains the use of "Alice" in this poem. Along with that it is titled "The Curiosity Shoppe" because it is a little tiny store in our town that her and I loved to visit everyday. Now that's all cleared up and explained, on with the sonnet! *Crosses fingers*
Oh, how I dearly miss my maiden’s lips,
So soft, perfect, I remember they were.
Alice - she took my flowers in small sips
Her orbs sang only of sexual lure.
Constant cascading through the night we did,
Pushing aside all our morals and thought
Alive was and is my lusty ruse ‘mid-
My darkest dreams of the night til’ caught;
Caught up in love Alice then ran quickly,
Running like an infants very first leaps
Beauty and beast are never to be,
Yet in her eyes and lips forever keep,
The intense secret of Alice and I;
Rose and thorn then struck apart
- till we die.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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I know absolutely nothing about sonnets, except all of them have a certain pattern I can detect. I'm still trying to find someone to tell me what they really are, but if it still counts while I don't know, I really liked this poem! I will really critique it once I know how a Sonnet works!
Add a hyphen between Alice and she because otherwise it sounds muddled and confusing. Also, after the first two lines have a wonderful iambic pentameter you've ruined it in the third line! It goes...
They fit so nicely together! Then comes along:
It completely messes with the syllable pattern and the iambic pentameter which, until then, was rhythmic and smooth. The first two have about the same amount of syllables so they fit together nicely. The third is out of place.
"vastly" isn't a word that should describe running. It means of very great extent or quantity which doesn't quite make sense with that word.
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Overall, this poem was very sweet. I felt your emotions in every line. That was all very good. She likes Alice does she? Then maybe you should make some analogies to Alice and Wonderland as you should never have to write a note at the beginning of a poem explaining what it's about.
Again, good job, just keep in mind some of my suggestions.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody