z

Young Writers Society



My Busy Is Your Low

by mystymizer


I greet the busy lines of tired eyes
Red fingers crisp from the tricked weather
Icy fences with cardinals losing themselves
The streets still full of dirtied snow
Tire tracks of few run through my life
Walk through the slush, lower your head
Absolutely nowhere to go where nobody knows you.

Eyes burn into my depressed hat
They all know my past too well here
I don’t know where to run
So that new iris’ can befall me
to get a new perspective
on crossword puzzles in the afternoon
(and familiar wet floor signs)

So you can walk this place blindfolded
Never mistaking a turn or tripping a bump
Everybody dreams of summer these days
Especially those kids downtown
The one’s sitting at Tim Horton’s or the art coffeehouse
Nobody is a stranger, they all have backpacks
All of their eyes are bloodshot

Eyes burn into my depressed hat
They all know my past too well here
I don’t know where to run
So that new iris’ can befall me
To get a new perspective
on fleeting kisses under lamp posts
(and defeated indie bands)

There is only two schools to choose from
Are you a Christian or a Catholic?
Their plates are left with crumbs
Sub-cultures leak down the sewers
Only one road leading in fatally
Where is the slush covered pathway?
Try to count all of the stir sticks in your mouth.

Eyes burn into my depressed hat
They all know my past too well here
I don’t know where to run
So that new iris’ can befall me
To get a new perspective
on minimum wage jobs
(and joints burning under the bridge)

a new perspective of over 5,000

if I see one more neighbour
I swear I’m going to burn down town hall.

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268 Reviews

Points: 900
Reviews: 268

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Wed Feb 11, 2009 4:43 am
Adnamarine wrote a review...



Hi!

I really enjoyed this, its fresh perspective and satiric tone.

Now, I have to first agree with the comments June (springrain) made about those first three lines. Also, she mentioned the need for punctuation. While I certainly think it can be just as affective, in some cases, not to use it, I think your poem is one that would benefit from punctuation. Check out this article if you want to read about punctuating poetry.


One grammar nitpick: "The one’s sitting at Tim Horton’s or the art coffeehouse" There should not be an apostrophe in "one's". That makes it singular and possessive, instead of a plural subject, as you must have intended.


"So that new iris’ can befall me" I don't understand this line. Of all people, I understand the desire to sound ambiguous, but this just doesn't make sense to me. Even grammatically it's confusing. With that apostrophe, "iris" is possessive, but there's nothing in that sentence for it to possess.


"Tire tracks of few run through my life" The phrasing of this line is too wordy. It stopped me for a second, and I had to read it again. I'd reword it so it's as simple and clear as possible.


"Only one road leading in fatally" As it stands, this line is incomplete, a fragment. Changing "leading" to "leads" would fix that.


I wasn't sure at first about repeating that one stanza over again, twice, but with those last lines changing each time, I think it could be pulled off. The potential problem I see is the length; people are likely to skip over the lines they've read before, just going to the last two lines. Then having that repitition doesn't serve any real purpose. Maybe there could be a way to merge the three ideas into one stanza; or just summarize the repeated stanza the 2nd and 3rd times you use it.


One more thing I'll suggest is that you read the poem out loud. That way you can spot any trouble with the rhythm. I didn't notice anything, but that way you can iron out the slightest jars in the rhythm, and make it perfectly smooth.


All in all, this was pretty great. You just need to tidy it up a bit.

And by the way, welcome to YWS. =)




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1464 Reviews

Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464

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Tue Feb 10, 2009 6:17 am
Juniper wrote a review...



Hey there mystymizer! I'm June, and I'm going to review this for you :).

This was clearly expressed; I love how you voiced how you feel about the town. Well done.

I greet the busy lines of tired eyes

Red fingers crisp from the tricked weather

Icy fences with cardinals losing themselves



• Opening line: You begin with, "I greet..." so, in a way, I was expecting you to say something like, "I greet the busy lines of tired lines with"; but you don't. That halfway disappointed me, because I really liked how you opened and then I got confused :D.

- There doesn't seem to be anything connecting these first two lines, so in a way, it's sounding fragmented and incomplete.

• Second: This may sound funny, but this line sounds ridiculous. At first, the red, crisp fingers brought to mind an intense sunburn that like, fried somebody's fingers :P. It's only in the fourth line that I realize that it's cold!

- You need a transitioning word to join the lines to each other. Right now, it feels like you're jumping too much, perhaps trying to give us everything you can about this small town :). (Which is kind of good for info lovers like me :P)

• Third: Why are the cardinals losing themselves? If a person without common sense of cardinals looked at this, they might think that a cardinal is like... falling and getting lost in the fence. People who've never seen cardinals before might not even know what a cardinal is, dear :D. So! I think that if this line is reworded with a word that suggests something bird-like like... cardinals chirp from the fences... cardinals perch on the fences :D.

→ What I'm trying to point out here is the lack of transition and lack of connectivity. Your lines are seemingly reading alone, meaning that they don't feel "connected" to bring the audience to be able to read this as a whole. It feels pretty loose.

Also! This poem could use punctuation. Stick some commas and periods (and semicolons!) in there so let us know where to pause, and where you're beginning a new thought. Punctuation is your writing's body language. ;)


The only thing I don't like is how you're using "Iris'". The iris of the eye isn't actually what sees the world; it's the pupil. Here, it sounds like the flower :D -- no offense. Why not just be simple and use eye?

However! I love your ending. It's brilliant, and it's slightly funny.


Although I had so many nitpicks for this piece, I really did enjoy it. You basically put us in your shoes and gave us a clear image of your town. Brilliant job, dear. Keep it up.

Feel free to PM me if you need anything!

June





Every really new idea looks crazy at first.
— Alfred North Whitehead