This is an odd poem with strange structure. I wrote it how I felt inspired to write it.
We keep falling backwards
on all our regrets,
Stepping around rotten petals of past
(a past littered with deafened chords).
Steal my sympathy and use it endlessly
just so nothing will turn us backward-
- to stare at ourselves,
what is the problem inside?
Too much "me".
So this long-term lust bursts forward,
nights of fun become a bore.
Touch the river of doubt,
the one on me you've made current.
Wishing for some kind of forever,
promises rekindle my soul.
Dizzying through dances non-existent anymore,
just begging to feed this flame
one I'm terrified will run out
(during those brisk snowfalls)
-will the sun ever be the same?
Will our insanity keep us burning?
Striving to make sure for us,
Help me write through these lines
So that the spark will crack again,
Make a noise so brittle.
anything amongst anything
- - I know you want this too
Capture lines of tired movies,
Turn over in these stained sheets.
Look at me again with amazement;
astonished by my words
intrigued with every breath
unbelieved that you are here.
What will it take to start you up again?
To miss these lips,
these curves and fingers.
You will when they can no longer reach you
(when fire turns to ice
and summer forgets its time).
So lets not let that happen,
lets create all the lighters needed.
This is what we need to do,
So when the grass is on our skin,
the sweat on our backs won't matter.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Mystymizer! I'm Jon.
I like this stanza for its imagery. However, in the third stanza I think there should be period after 'past'.
This stanza holds a lot of meaning, great start.
I think that this line needs a little more. In the previous lines you are talking about yourself, why not here? I think you should add 'of me' at the end of this. If you use a certain tense, you, I, we, etc, stick with it. (Or try to.) Plus, I think this line needed more to 'match' with the above lines.
I think that '"me"' should not be in dialogue marks. I think you can just say, 'me' and be fine. But, if you want to do this, do with these marks instead: ' '.
If I were you I'd just take out the 'So'. I think that it clutters this line up. The little things matter in a poem too. By removing tat word I think the line would be cleaner. Plus, easy and smooth reading is key to a good poem.
I just wanted to say that this line is golden. I absolutely love it, great job.
You don't give an imagery of fire. I think you should change 'this flame' to 'the fire'. I say this because if you do not give some imagery to the fire that is there, it confuses the reader.
I could be wrong here, but, shouldn't 'make' be 'making'?
You have the dashes too spaced out. It should be like this: (--). Also, I think it would be better to have the dash at the end of the first line.
I just want to say that I love this line as well. I like how you get a feeling of reminiscence in a way. Great job.
I thought this ending was very confusing. I do not know where to try and fix it. I don't say it to be mean, I just truly do not understand it. If it is a deeper meaning maybe I just don't get it? In any case, This was a good poem and I think it should have a good ending.
Overall: I liked this poem, just try and go back and make it even better!
---Jon---