E - Everyone

Worlds Apart (Chapter 1)

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Chapter 1: The town near Olga

Saiyan crossed the gate and dropped to the ground. He was exhausted and not too far from collapsing. If he hadn’t spied his pursuers two days prior, he could have slept for three days straight. All the same, this life of being on the run was not new to him. He grudgingly pulled himself up until he faced the gate keeper.

‘Strange that the gatekeeper waits inside than at the gate. I guess even he can’t handle the solar waves’

“Halt little punk” growled the grizzly bear. His fur was dyed blue which was considered fashionable in those parts and he wore a leather jacket over his top half. It didn’t have buttons though and it was at least two sizes too small for him yet he seemed insistent on trying to look comfortable in it.

Saiyan gave the bear a skeptical look. He was well built with a slender frame and he was taller than average humans. His sharp cheekbones may have made him look slightly starved at times but he was in no way a ‘little punk’.

‘Trust a grizzly to call anything little’

“Hey there gatekeeper, I just spent three weeks crossing this damned desert. Mind letting me catch my breath first before you do your inspection?” he asked, but practically begged. Saiyan made his best puppy dog expression to go with it. It only occurred to him afterwards that bears hated dogs because of the war up in Castadona.

“Can’t be done pipsqueak, these days them cults are smuggling corrupt Phostrich eggs all over the place. I can’t be letting any in on my watch. Now strip” he growled once again, this time baring some of his fangs. One of them had a gold ring around it, another pointless fashion accessory.

“Really dude, a Phostrich egg would be larger than my head. Where would I be carrying one of those exactly? I have a cloak on my back, a sword at my waist and a small bag which you can check if you want but a Phostrich egg, really?”

The gatekeeper scratched his head clumsily, and momentarily nodded his consent for Saiyan to pass. With a sigh of relief he heaved himself across the foot path into the town. Well it was more like a cluster of buildings.

Most of the huts were partly broken and had been hasitly completed with random odd things such as tree leaves and plastic sheets. Here and there an enitre hut would lay in complete ruin and the roads or what remained of them were filthy with faeces littered across it. Every once in a while, Saiyan would spot a tree blossoming amongst the dying settlement. If they had once bore fruits there were none to be found on them in the present.

Saiyan edged closer to the port. He could smell the fresh water which seemed to carry the scent of heaven with it. The chirping of sea birds appeared as though they were the voice of an enchanted songstress. Perhaps it was true or it was simply his reaction to hearing and smelling anything other than the desert and its inhabitants.

‘Boy, have I been stuck in the desert too long’

As Saiyan crossed a rather weatherworn two storey building, he finally caught sight of it. The great Lake Olga lay with its broad expanse spanning the enitrety of the east. Its rich blend of blue almost blinded Saiyan. For the past three weeks he had been stuck in a desert composed of sand, rock, clay and then more sand. He had literally witnessed every shade of yellow and orange there ever could be.

Saiyan had survived on very little food or water and had only been lucky enough to trip up on two settlements in the Bana desert. This had meant extremely long and painful journeys where different creatures had tried to pick him off for an array of diferent reasons. Some had wanted to eat him, which was no surprise, others had wanted to keep him as a pet and one, the Bana Lizard, had wanted to marry him. Saiyan shuddered as he thought of the children that could have been.

As the eighteen year old approached closer to the port, the structures around began to become more civilised. There were markets set up along the roads and inns and bars weren’t far from them. He could see a few tall buildings, one of them was the hotel which would have been his preferable choice of stay overngiht, but alas, Saiyan had to go to the bars instead.

It was in those kind of places he could hire companions on his jounrey. He hadn’t had much luck so far. In the last four months he had gathered only six companions of whom four were dead, one had quit and the other had tried to rob him and then runaway when she had failed. Saiyan sighed. Right now there still wasn’t too much pressure for him, but once he crossed Lake Olga, he would definitely need companions.

The worst part was even when he had been lucky enough to get some, he had never gotten close to telling them about his situation. How could he possibly tell anyone that sticking with him was treason?

‘It’s almost impossible to get anyone to stick it out with me, but then who would even consider me when they know I have a royal force after me. This is hopeless.’

Saiyan took one look back at the Bana desert. Even though he had died almost forty-six times, he couldn’t help feeling slightly attached. It was the only place he had stayed for as long as three weeks in a very long time. Sure, the desert was six hundred square kilometres, but still there was something homely about it. Maybe it was because there were very few humans there. Saiyan had liked the solitude.

As he turned his back on the Bana Desert for the last time, another solar wave erupted from the sky. It thundered through the desert baking a lizard that had not found cover in time. The wave hit the town and collapsed as the invisible forcefield battered it. Saiyan chuckled to himself as he made his way to the port. Those waves had given him hell and yet in this town no one even looked back at them.

**********

Yurina and her companions arrived at the town near Olga at sunset. With the baking temperatures plummeting, the last leg of their journey had been pleasant. Afterall, flying on unippo back may have saved them the trouble of travelling through a desert but in no way did it shield them from the three golden orbs in the sky.

As soon as the unippo landed, Yurina pounced off in an instant. She was followed by her assistant Melon, a small, rather clumsy looking boy of sixteen years. Yurina’s bodyguard Granite landed with a thud. His muscles rippled with sweat and on his back hung the great war axe Reaper. It was an odd name for an axe but it was one that had earned its reputation in the world.

The royal forces’ accountant lumbered down after his companions. He was old and withered yet his body was draped in expensive silks and chains of gold hung around his neck and hands. It was one of the ways in which he assured strangers that he was not a begger but a royal accountant and a trusted subject of a king.

“Lord Ashen,” said Yurina addressing her accoutant, “please see to the unippo’s charges.”

“Please lady Yurina, refrain from using that ridiculous name. It is a hippo with wings, it should rightly be called a unihippo!” he retorted. The unippo snorted and stamped the ground.

“Show some respect. We unippo are separate from hippos and unicorns. We are not related. We may have come about from a certain interaction but we have shown far more intelligence than either of them, in any case we have earned the right to be called our own species. Leave us be old man.” Growled the unippo.

“Oh really, is that why you hate being associated with them. It’s certainly not because both of them lost miserably in the tenth war back in Castadona right?” replied Ashen sarcastcially.

“Lord Ashen, you may be of high authority back in our kingdom but for this task I am in charge. You will treat our friend here with some respect. Please pay his charges and give him extra as an apology.” Snapped Yurino.

“I will do no such thing…”

Granite walked up to Ashen, put his hand on his shoulder and gave the old man a knowing look. Somehow the bent, small figure of the accountant seemed to shrink even further into the ground under the gaze of the bodyguard.

“Ri..ri..right of course. I will get to it ri..ri..right away.”

Ashen walked over to a pouch slung onto the side of the unippo and dropped three golden coins into it. Yurina turned towards the unippo and smiled. He smiled back and then took off into the sunset. His large figure momentarily blocked out the orange rays of the three suns, but soon their bodies were once again bathed in sunlight.

The royal company made their way along the foot path towards the town. In time they came to a gate which had an elephant guarding it. His skin was dyed blue. Melon chuckled. His hair was blue too. Before the gatekeeper could respond Melon held up a scroll and motioned for him to let them pass. Yurino riased her hand and silenced the boy immediately.

“My dearest gatekeeper I was wondering if you would do me the sweetest favour. It would make me feel so much happier if you did.” She said through pearly white teeth and a forced but practiced smile. The elephant seemed to melt before her radiant beauty. It smiled as best as an elephant could and made a bow.

“What ever can I do for you my lady?”

“I was wondering if you have seen an eighteen year old boy, well a man I guess? He has black hair, he is slender and well built. He has green eyes and he has white skin that may look a bit tanned recently. He carries a sword at his waist, he has a cloak that is red but looks very rich in texture. Well have you seen him?” she enquired.

The elephant looked about. Then he turned his attention back to the royal company.

“I am afraid, I can’t help you with that. I have not seen someone like him. Maybe he came through one of the other two gates. If you really want to know you should investigate around those gates. Also bear in mind that if he was crossing the desert by himself, he may have died.”

Yurino shook her head.

‘That boy doesn’t die easily. If anything I know that much. Maybe he hasn’t arrived yet…. Or then again, maybe he has. Still it wouldn’t hurt to check out the other gates’

The twenty year old turned towards her companions.

“Granite, would you take Melon and make sure the two of you investigate both gates. I will take Lord Ashen and book us into a hotel, or in the case of this town, the only hotel,” she commanded before turning towards the elephant, “If such a man does cross your path be sure to inform us. If you do, I can assure you a very heavy reward.”

As Granite and Melon took their leave, Yurino began to make her way to the hotel. She purposefully walked very fast so as to leave behind her accountant.

‘If I take another walk with him, I will have to go through at least ten lectures before I reach the hotel. I will just walk really fast and tell him I thought he was right behind me later on…. What is that… yeah, I thought so. It’s the smell of the water from Lake Olga. Oh am I glad I am out that desert.’

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
StoneHeart
Review

Hey Mystogan, Black here for your requested review! Sorry I'm so late, I've been really busy. My apologies.

Okay, so first off: WOW> Right now I have one thought about this piece that you have here: Original. And original it is. Obviously at the moment I can't understand the overall idea of the story and story world, but you're doing great. The characters, circumstances, and species all seem breathtakingly original. And original is important to me.

I think that your main weaknesses are probably your grammar, spelling, linearity, skill level, and detail. I'll be having a section in this review for each of them, though I think I'll cut down on the first two a bit (against my usual style -I figure you can find most of your grammar and spelling problems on your own). But remember: It's up to you to take my suggestions. Feedback is important, so taking a bit of time to fix your style won't hurt in the long run . . . Here goes!

So, I'm going to start with your detail problem! By detail, I don't mean 'this is a completely new story world -we don't know anything about it! You have to explain!' . . . no, I don't mean that at all. When you have a new story world you should present it as it's seen . . . that's the best way for sure! Your problem is that you're not really even explaining what's seen.

When you say 'bear' and 'grizzly' I instantly assume that you mean a real bear . . . but when you mention style in relation to this beast, that picture changes from a huge talking bear standing there . . . to something more human. You need to explain what he sees. Explain enough to help the reader SEE the bear, but not so much as to make the description feel unnatural.

Now you don't need to build a mental profile for scene's just about that bear . . . you need it for everything. I can't visualize this town, simply because your style isn't advanced enough, and you're not giving enough 'as seen' detail. I can hardly view the desert or lake even!

Okay, you have the basic makings for a great style, and the originality for a great story. But at the moment you don't really seem to have the real quality style that you need to help this piece out> The only way to improve an amateur style is to practice. So make sure you write a LOT. Just bulk stuff (for yourself) mostly. It'll build your style on a basic level -a critical part of the craft.

Okay, so next: Your linearity. By 'messed up linearity' I simply mean that you sound confused. You write that there was a smell of 'fresh water' in the air . . . and next thing there are seagulls (saltwater animals) flying around. I'll assume that this small confusion comes from no planning. I simply will advise you to try to sit down and put some quality planning time into this piece. It's too good to let go.

Build a map for the story. Build character profile's. Build a plot and theme! You could even go advanced and start with a scene's list. Right now, as you're still a new writer, it's a critical time to mold your style . . . and incorporating planning into your habitual style can REALLY help you. Try it. It should solve this problem totally and utterly!

Okay, finally: For your Grammar and Spelling! At the top of this line I think I should advise you to get a spelling and grammar checker -and use them. Doing that would probably get rid of half of your spelling mistakes, and at least a quarter of your grammar mistakes. I'll point out a few of your mistakes and fix them. Hopefully it'll help. :D Here goes!

First off: A few examples of your spelling mistakes and a couple comments. They should help you, but make sure you apply them! Otherwise this won't be helping you AT ALL! Here goes!

This had meant extremely long and painful journeys where different creatures had tried to pick him off for an array of diferent reasons.


Different.

“Oh really, is that why you hate being associated with them. It’s certainly not because both of them lost miserably in the tenth war back in Castadona right?” replied Ashen sarcastcially.


Sarcastically.

As Granite and Melon took their leave, Yurino began to make her way to the hotel. She purosefully walked very fast so as to leave behind her accountant.


Purposefully.

‘If I take another walk with him, I will have to go through at least ten lectures before I reach the hotel. I will just walk really fast and tell him I thought he was right behind me later on…. What is that… yeah, I thought so. It’s the smell of the water from Lake Olga. Oh am I glad I am out that desert.’


Okay, a quick thing about dialogue quotes: THEY'RE ALWAYS SINGULAR. You always use '”', not just the '''. Singular, not double. Make sure you see to that. It's messy as it is. Okay, for your grammar!

Generally people just get lost when listening to my grammar suggestions . . . which means I'm not going to be just feeding you quotes and fixes. I just really suggest you get a grammar checker, first thing! You have a really great basic style for this type of writing! I really do appreciate it! But I think you need to work on just simplifying what you're saying. Don't try to incorporate fancy words right now. Good luck!

OKAY! So that's it for now. Sorry: I really didn't have a lot of time to give you a really good review! Work on your grammar and spelling, get the checker's! Also, put in some good practice! Spend some time developing your style. And remember to work on building scene's in your reader's minds! Good luck! Remember: KEEP WRITING!

P.s. If you wanna follow up on this review, then please do so via PM! Okay? Also, if you really wanna be nice then give me a bit of feedback on this review, rating it one to twenty, depending on what you wanted, what you expected, how much it helped you . . . all that! Thank you if you do!


~Black~

Heyo! Got the invite and thought I should give you more notifications!
First off I must say I think you developed the main character pretty well for just the first chapter. This world you made is also pretty well shown in just this one chapter. Might I also say that your names are very creative too. I absolutely loved the imagery you put in this story. It was very well done, as always. ^_^
Now, onto improvement. Some of the dialogue you wrote was, unnatural. Like it didn't sound like someone or thing would say that. Also sometimes the flow of your sentences was at some times strange.
Now, here are some places I would like you to look over.

Saiyan crossed the gate and dropped to the ground. He was exhausted and not too far from collapsing.
I thought he just did.
‘Strange that the gatekeeper waits inside than at the gate. I guess even he can’t handle the solar waves’
Why are there apostrophes? Also you need punctuation to end this.
his wore a leather jacket over his top half.
Perhaps you meant he?
Saiyan gave the bear a skeptical look. He was well built with a slender frame and he was taller than average humans. His sharp cheekbones may have made him look slightly starved at times but he was in no way a ‘little punk’.
At first I thought you were describing the bear, which was strange. Only when I saw human did I understand you were talking about the main character. I would clarify a bit who you were talking about.
he asked, but practically begged. Saiyan made his best puppy dog expression to go with it.
I feel like the red part could be a sentence of its own. Written as it is it feels a little rushed and out of place. Also the dialogue that went with this didn't seem to go with the puppy face. Sounded more like a sarcastic comment when I first read it.
It was in those kind of places he could hire companions on his jounrey.
Typo.
You tend to say Saiyan a lot in this story. It's like saying "I", just subbed with Saiyan. This always gets me too, maybe experiment with different ways of writing your sentences?
Other than this I loved your characters, Yurina being a favorite, and I look forward to seeing where this story goes. I would love an update when the next chapter comes out.
(P.S. Near the end you spelled purposefully wrong.)

User avatar
TwinkleStar
Review

Hey, I see you're working on a new novel. I have to tell you that you've improved since you last posted your work which is quite hard to believe. It hasn't been that long. you're turning more professional by the day. I liked the small details about the area, the characters, the desert especially. The conversation between Saiyan and the grizzly bear was quite funny.

Your description about Saiyan's condition was quite good. when he thought the smell of the ocean and the chirping of the birds was like heaven, it just showed how much he had longed to get out of that desert. You've made sure to reveal his side of the story the most which I found interesting.

What's even more interesting is that he thinks he can be at peace here while the people from the royal family (I think) have arrived at the exact place. He doesn't even know that they're here and from the way Yurino described his appearance to the guard, it just increased the chances of him getting caught.

You showed a little bit of Yurino, Granite and the unippo's personalities but I'm a little confused about how many of the companions there are. If you could tell me separately, there are 4 of them right? And I wonder what it is about Melon that made the big guy stutter like that.

You end up making new worlds in every one of your novels. It makes it unique every time. Keep writing, can't wait to read more. =] Great first chapter.

Random avatar
kayfortnight
Review

Hello, mystogan! I was wondering what happened to you:)

Your writing is...wow. I have to admit I'm just a tiny bit jealous. Well, more than a tiny bit. Your world feels so real, helped along by you dropping small details like the mentions of wars between different animals. It seems very unique, too. I like the idea of the solar waves and how the town has a forcefield to shield them from it.

I really don't have any suggestions to make, other than look it over because you're missing a few commas. Besides that, though, your writing is really, really, good.

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Fri Aug 02, 2013 11:39 am

Hey Myst!

I just wanted to say real quick that your writing has improved so much since your first post on the site. I've read every single thing you've posted on here and they just keep getting better. It's really cool to see honestly. So kudos on your writing :)

Onto the story: I think this is a good start. As with every good novel, there has to be an effective introduction. You've done a good job here introducing your characters. We don't know much about them, but that's good thing. That's something we should learn over time. Too much characterization is overkill.

This world you've created is very interesting. The bit about the unippo was pretty cool. I found it funny that these people who are obviously important were arguing over what to call this creature. I don't know, just a random thought.

One thing I'm confused about is the guard. He said that he hadn't seen the boy that Yurino described, which I'm assuming is Saiyan. But the guard had let Saiyan in at the beginning of the chapter. Is he just covering for himself because he wasn't supposed to let the boy in? I feel like I'm missing something here.

Overall this is a great start. I can't wait to see where you take this!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**



If I'm going to burn, it might as well be bright.
— Frank Zhang