Craziness. This story is a spiral of feelings.
-mysteriouswriter08
PROLOGUE:
Golden Phoenix University. An elite school in Southwood City. It's a dream school-everything your pretty little mind could wish for is here! There are large, air conditioned, Japanese style classrooms, 4 huge, Olympic-sized swimming pools, 4 cafeterias that have every cuisine in every country, 2 huge auditoriums, 3 basketball, volleyball, and tennis courts, large Kendo, Aikido, and Judo rooms, music halls, dancing studios, and large theaters! There are also shuttles to take you around when you're running late, and you get to pick the course subjects that you're comfortable with! How nice is that??
But Golden Phoenix University is more than what meets the eye.
Encee Heazelrean is a transfer student from GPU- and she's not just an ordinary student.
She's one of the Blessed Eight: the class of GPU Elites that are hiding a part of the University's secret- that the very revelation of it would destroy the reputation of GPU and all the Elites there.
And with her transferring to Southridge
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Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
Okay, not gonna lie, that is the very first time that I have seen what is essentially like a commercial of sorts for a university, this is pretty exactly the same as the countless ones I see on TV, and well its an interesting place to start at any rate. I don't know how starting with a description like this could fit into a prologue, but of course I haven't the read the rest of this yet, so uhh, lemme see, at the moment thought, this is a very weird note to start off on. And as far as the description itself in this paragraph goes, uhh, its really not all that much, its just sort of showing what facilities the place so, its kind of telling us something but not really.
Okay, now this part definitely does read like a prologue. It certainly sounds just a lot more exciting, it has the mysterious quality of a prologue. Well, sort of, if I wasn't informed by the title that this was indeed a prologue, I would probably think of this as a blurb, not to mention now having seen this part, I think the earlier is a little too much information. Simply saying GPU was an elite university or something along those lines would've been enough, all the rest seems like its just not needed. Soo, yeah there's a couple of issues I see there, just if we're thinking of this as a prologue.
As far as this sort of story premise here goes, this definitely sounds pretty cool, and I think it could make for a pretty interesting story that I would in fact read. So, its a good sounding story, its just this doesn't really read like a prologue and at any rate, the information in the first paragraph sounds unnecessary.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Yo. Welcome to YWS.
Not much to add here. Like Hira's mentioned, this isn't really a prologue, but it can't stand as a chapter on its own either.
I'll talk about background, about introductions and what your reader needs to know. I think this piece righ' here was supposed to be a setting for intrigue, yes? It doesn't really work out because the reader has absolutely nothing to go by--why should we be interested in this transferee, whoever she is? Why should we feel anything for Jarence? What is this dream school? I also fail to understand the point of having a prologue that barely skims these details if they're going to have to be explained--and mentioned again--in the first chapter. Even if your prologue manages to snag your reader's attention, you'll still need a hook in your first chapter to keep them going.
What your first chapter needs: Character introductions (this does not in any way necessitate an info-dump in any shape or form), groundwork like the setting, the conflict, etc. Basically, you need to answer the whos, wheres, whats, whys and hows. Who is the reader being introduced to? What is happening and where is the conflict taking place? The big 'why's don't need to be answered, obviously, but it might help if the reader is told that the MC is at school (why?) because he/she/they're a student. It's a chain of cause-and-effect.
At this point, you really don't want to confuse your reader. Why is the dream school a dream school? What is 'it'? A series of events? One events? How does the narrator (Jarence) feel about this? Elaborate on the points you have here. Give your reader more of a foundation to stand on.
You have a framework. Now you need the grit to fill the spaces in--the story, if you will.
PM me if you have any questions~
~Pomp c:
Umm... hi! I'm sorry I wasn't able to see this, but I'm glad you still made a review about this shitty piece. Anyway, how do I put a chapter here? I wasn't gonna edit this but thanks to you and to Hiraeth-nii for pointing out my mistakes.
Hello mysterious, welcome to YWS!
Several things I want to tell you. Firstly, this is not a prologue. In fact this is more of a synopsis or an outline of a plot than an actual chapter. Nevertheless, take a look at this link on how to use prologues correctly. They're frisky things that I recommend you stay way from.
I'm not exactly sure why you posted this up because it seems to be a work in process, each of the individual sentence seem to be dot points documenting a certain point in time with your story and then a hook at the end to reel the readers in. The sentences themselves are also kinda disconnected and chopped up so I'm not actually sure what's happening at all. Is Jarence the transferee or is Jarence you as the author?
Well, if you've got any questions, feel free to ask me. I'm more than happy to answer them.
-Hir
Hii! Thanks for the advice, Hiraeth-nii (or -nee? Are you a boy or a girl?)! Umm... how do I put a chapter here? Thanks!