Marionette

Hi!

I agree with Suzanne. Whilst I applaud your originality with the form - if it was at all deliberate - it lacks meaning. All decisions we make as poets - choices of style, words, images - need to mean something for the audience. At the moment, it seems like you chose to use this structure for no apparent reason.

Meaningful poetry is inextricably linked to real emotion in poetry. As Suzanne cunningly observes, poetry is designed to evoke an emotional response in the reader. Oddly enough, readers tend not to respond to plain statements like: "I wish I could kill him." Instead, they seem to prefer figurative statements, like: "Desire runs cold within my veins." These kinds of phrases make the obvious more subtle - they defamiliarise the subject matter, pulling the reader into the action instead of letting them lightly skim over the words, not really taking anything in. In other words, you need to show the reader what you want them to get out of the poem (your message), rather than telling it.

Like Suzanne, I would also advise you to read lots and lots of poetry, but make sure you can discern between what you respond to and what you don't. Ask yourself why you responded (or not) to that poem. Was it the structure? The language? A particular section or phrase? Jot down your feelings, note some good images and try to implement the techniques your favourite poets used in your own writing. We only get better by reading other people's work, as well as your own!

This poem has promise. If you polish it, perhaps make more of the marionette (it's an interesting image, but what could it symbolise? You decide), this could turn into something quite powerful.

Hope this helps!

Gahks

Too choppy.

Hey there!

I'm not entirely certain I understand your reason for writing this poem - it's about your MC?

My first, and minor, suggestion would be to add punctuation. Just like every other kind of writing, poetry requires grammar and punctuation. Don't forget it!

You have a good idea waiting under the poem, I think, you just need to dust it off, clean it up, and find it. The first thing you could do, like the person above said, would be to add more description. Description might be the wrong word, though. Everything in your poem thus far is telling, and that makes it boring. You need to show us some stuff! Set a scene, give us characters... or at least some emotions to work with! Trust me, if you're just starting out with poetry, poetry is the hardest form of writing imaginable. You have little space to convey a lot within. Don't talk to your MC or your reader. Instead, just show us. The main goal of poetry is to make the reader feel, think, experience, have some kind of reaction. With this poem, you probably want your reader to feel what your MC is feeling, but I cannot be certain. Either way, think about what emotion you want your reader to have and ask yourself, how can I make them feel this? Do I feel it when I read this? It's hard to do, but it's an important part of poetry.

Keep in mind the poetic devices you have at your disposal! Things like imagery of the senses, metaphor, simile, symbolism, and numerous other things can all be used to help bring emotion to your poetry. My biggest suggestion though? If you haven't already, read some poetry! If you don't know what poetry looks like, you'll never know how to write it.

Best of luck!

I think it would be good with a little more structure or rhyme... I'm not sure what kind, but I'm no good at poetry. Also, if you could be more specific with some of your descriptions that would help, because I'm vaguely aware of what's going on in the poem, but there's nothing that implies anything about the characters involved. It sounds like a woman getting raped? I could be wrong. It's interesting, though. Good luck with publishing!