Hullo! I saw this story lacked in-depth reviews, so I thought I'd come to the rescue! Hmmms....
ambercoultis wrote:Knighting a Vampire: What havoc it can cause
News spread through the Graffi Kingdom like wildfire of the odd knighting ceremony to [s]came[/s] come. It was said that a beast was getting knighted. Others said it was an elegant creature close to man. Others just said it was a vampire.
News spread You start the sentence exactly like the previous one. It sounds awkward. Try something different, like "The word spread"? from the Graffi castle to the Steaps Okay, I'm not sure if this is a typo, or a name? If it is a typo, then I think it should be Steppes, or Steps? of Zagra and even to the Plains of Neza. Into the caves of Belra it echoed and another creature heard. A creature many of the people of Graffi didn’t like to talk much about I'd make it "talk about much", even less This sounds strange to me, maybe "let alone" or summat? have anything to do with them.
These creatures hated the vampires. There was always an endless feud between them. They growled at the news that came of the vampire’s knighting ceremony. What had the vampire done to deserve anything from the royal family? To these creatures vampires were just bloodsucking killers of [s]there[/s] their kind.
Werewolves, they all were and one of the younglings was being called upon for his first mission. The punctuation's a bit incorrect thar, move the comma to after the were.
“Gonda?”
“Yes, Zera?” A wolf said walking into the light to join his hostess. His coat was grey. Do you mean that the werewolf has a coat, or that his fur is grey?
“I have the mission from the leader. Are you sure you want it?” The other, black coated wolf asked.
“Yes. I’ve waited fourteen years since I was a cub to get one. Now that my first one is here I plan to take it,” The grey one said with determination.
“Good. You are to crash the knighting ceremony. The vampire they are to knight wants the princess for his bride back in his home. As soon as the king knights him he’ll take the princess and turn her to one of them,” The black coated one hissed with [s]discussed[/s] disgust?. “Run when you have the princess. The others will follow behind you and some of us with you for protection.” Wait, what? That sentence confuses me - Do you mean "The others will follow behind you, and some will stay with you for protection", or something?
“Yes, Zeta,” The grey wolf said with a bow of his head and there kneeled a boy just old enough to pass as fifteen. This doesn't sound too good. I got that the wolf transformed into the boy, but it was all so sudden and the sentence really doesn't show that. Just adding "Suddenly" between the and and there would help a bit? A cloak was draped around him with a large hood. He’d have to hide his ears. Every human could tell your race for some reason [s]weather[/s]whether it be elf, vampire, or werewolf. They just knew.
“Ganda, what is the name you are to use on this mission?”
“Slater,” He answered with decision.
“Good. Off you go now. We will follow.”
“Good. I need as many as we can spare,” He said pulling his hood up over his white hair. His eyes searched Searched? Searched for what? as he sped away into the woods.
_._._._._
“Our majesty!” cried the announcer as an old man walked down a red rug that separated the crowd. He held onto his daughters arm as he stumbled every step, the crown slipping from his head.
His daughter’s loving eyes ran across the crowd. They rested on a black cloaked figure. His hood was up but she could see the yellow owl eyes that looked out. Just as she made eye contact with him he bowed his head. The daughter returned to helping her father to the platform. The straight hair she had swayed as [s]eh[/s] he walked. It reached down to her knees and the dress she was wearing was a pale pink.
“My lady?” She heard a velvety voice call. She looked up again to find the vampire-to be-knighted there holding out his hand with a smile. He looked sweet. How so? Was he handsome? What was he wearing? More details please! She helped her father up first and finally took the boy’s hand. It was cold. Not ice cold but cold just the same. He pulled her up gently as though she were a feather. Her outfit didn’t make her a feather one bit.
She gave him a smile, turned to her father, standing beside the vampire boy. “What’s your name?” She heard him whisper into her ear.
“Damis,” She whispered back.
“Damis?… An elegant flower,” He translated. Her name means something? I liked that little detail.
“Correct. Now please, we can talk after [s]your[/s] you're. Careful, you're and your are easy to mix up! knighted.” They turned to Princess Damis’s father Gaze the Third.
“My daughter,” The old king gave a cough. “My friend: Zane, and my good townspeople.” The crowd gave a roar. Damis turned her eyes back to the crowd. She ran her eyes over the crowd finding more cloaked figures. The owl eyed one was just before her. She looked through the crowd again, finding three or four vampires. What were they here for?
“Kneel Zane,” The king commanded. The vampire kneeled. “I knight you…” The king pulled out a sward. “… Under our [s]holly[/s] holy? ones: the honored sun god and the almighty God. The [s]sward[/s] sword came gently down on the boy’s shoulders as he kneeled there, his head bent. Damis turned back to the crowd again. A few of the cloaked figures were rustling around in the back.
Damis looked straight down at the owl eyed one. He was looking straight at her. Now, He mouthed and she heard a smack as a fist hit flesh. [s]He[/s] His eyes craned back to the back of the building. A fight had broken out and as cries and roars were hollered one of the stained class windows shattered as a figure fell backwards.
In one quick movement the owl eyed boy had grabbed her around the waist [s]ad[/s] and threw her over his shoulder. She [s]was [/s]jolted up and down as he jumped up onto the platform and across it to a humongous stained glass window. “Close your eyes,” The boy said quickly to her as he jumped at the window. She squeezed her eyes shut tight just as the glass shattered around them. And that was it. All the cloaked figures had gone along with the princess who was confused to all ends. What? I've never heard that expression before, don't think it even exists! I'd suggest you change that.
Half the crowd was consumed in a massive fight . The other half had finally turned to the king and the newly knighted vampire. They both stood there mouths open. “Were have they taken my elegant wild flower?” The king cried at last, shedding tears of his own This is unnecessary, it's obvious they're his tears after all.as the crowd went silent again.
Just a small population of Graffi had witnesse[s]s[/s]d the start of the king’s grief. There [s]was[/s]were more surprises to come.
Phewww. Okay, I'm not going to lie to you, this needs a lot of work. First off, detail some more. So far, your characters are very 2d - There's little description about what they look like or what they feel. Add something, from the clothes they wear to what their voice is like. And the environment isn't there at all - We readers need to know where the stuff happens! On top of that, your sentences sound awkward and even confusing at times. Think what you want to say to the reader, and then make it as interesting as you can.
Also, proofread your works before you post - I fixed what typos and other errors I could find for you. Your sentences seemed alright to me though length wise, as did your punctuation, mostly.
You seem to have put thought into your world though, having names for places in there already, and I found the idea of a court scandal that ensues once you knight a vampire interesting - However, the people's reaction seemed a bit mild, not to mention the princess'? I mean, she was going to marry a vampire! You might expect her to be indifferent, scared even, yus? Also, she didn't struggle all that much once she was abducted, now did she? I'd have expected her to kick and scream!
But have a cookie for your efforts, and don't give up! *Hands a cookie over*
Points: 890
Reviews: 19
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