The clouds roll in,
My shadow fades.
Drops splatter on the windshield,
The car door opens and I get out.
The engine’s dead,
Lightning streaks across the sky.
You can hear the click, click, click of that dead engine,
A damp body dances through the sprinkle.
Lightning streaks and I see the face,
Indian, races through my head.
More figures detach from surrounding trees,
There dance goes on as my heart speeds.
It starts to poor,
My hair plasters to my head.
Thud thud thud, thud thud thud,
There stomps shake the sky.
Then BOOM! Goes the sky,
My heart nearly came out of my chest.
The figures freeze,
I look up.
The clouds clear,
I look back towards the woods.
Where have the figures gone?
I return to the car.
The engine starts up,
I look out the window as the sun appears.
My shadow returns.
*Yes it may look weird but I try. 
*
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Canary word: Present
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125,025 Literary Works • 672,766 Reviews
I don't know what to put for the thud, thud, thud part...
I like this one as much as I like the other.
I'd very much appreciate it.
In terms of this one your imagery is 100 times better. Good Job! Also, the way you broke up the lines really worked in this one. Don't ask me why.
When it came down to the meaning it wasn't very clear. I suggest there be more "Feeling" from the person in the cars point of view. A bigger reaction maybe, something, anything will work I think.
The one line where you have "thud thud thud thud thud thud" just seems wrong. It just doesn't fit the rhythm nor the presence of the poem. Maybe using descriptive words to describe the way they're dancing would be better.
Your a good poet. Read, review if you want, some of mine too.
~Mr. Pie
Thanks to all I shaqll go fix the few mistakes and be very proud of it. Love all,
-Amber
P.S.- *whisper* Not really.*whisper*
Its really good! Apart from the few mistakes, like when you said 'there' instead of their, and 'poor' where it should say pour, I really liked it.
It got the point across, unlike some poems you find alot of poems which ramble a bit, and only seem to reach their point at the very end, which no-one ever gets to cos they die of confusion halfway through. And your descriptions of the rain really helped me imagine the scene, and there was that thing you wrote, about the figures detaching themselves from the trees- I loved that, my friend, it helped me visage it amazingly. Its showing, I presume, how Indians are detaching themselves from trees as a way of explaining how they are people of nature? Am I analysing this too much?
Your imagery is one of the best I've read recently. You've turned it into a fine art. I applaud you. If you get rid of the mistakes, its perfect.
WEEEE! first post
happy days.
OK now! down to business
I really enjoyed the imagery used within your poem, it was very evocative while managing to avoid being too cumbersome...which for me destroys a good poem.
I thought that your poem's structure was very clever indeed, if the underlying message of your poem was of a rain dance then it was well conveyed through your choice of structure - very active.
BUT! it did come a little flat to me... it could have done very well to have had some contrast or sudden change in mood.
Overall very good
B+
- "There" should be their
- BOOM! doesn't need to look like that.
- "You can hear the click, click, click of that dead engine,
A damp body dances through the sprinkle.": Good!
- "plasters" doesn't quite work there as a verb. Try "is plastered".
- "heart nearly came out of my chest": This is a bit of a cliche. Look for a more vivid image.
Wow, you have a very clear voice, especially for someone your age. Keep, keep writing.
I really liked all the imagery in this, it allowed me to paint a picture in my head, but there were some parts that didn't make sense to me. I don't know if they were mistakes or if you intended to do this. For example:
To me it's just an awkward statement, especially with that comma after Indian. I feel it would flow much better if it was "Indians race through my head".
And:
Fro? I'm assuming you meant "from". You really need to go over your poetry four or five times for these kinds of things. An error that obvious can really take away from the overall effect of a poem.
Despite the errors you had, I enjoyed reading it. Happy editing!