review: Draive has been kicked out by her dad and she ran into Chris some how and she fell asleep in his bed. Then she got up and left a little bit later.
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Draive explained it all to Mrs. M and she was given a change of clothes. She fell asleep on the couch.
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Chris awoke yet again to his mother’s voice. He kept his eyes closed for a second and then remembered Draive. His eyes flew open and he looked around. She wasn’t there. Good, He thought. A girl in his room was enough to set his mother off, let alone a girl in his bed. He closed his eyes for a second, the smell of her lingered on him. It was a good kind of smell.
…………………………
When he arrived at school he found Draive with her friend, Jess. They were talking. Oh- oH! He went to them.
“- I tend not to see my father.” Draive said.
“Yeah, but how could he be so mean?” Jess asked.
“He was drunk.”
The warning bell rung and Chris walked beside Draive to Spanish. “You know when I woke up your arm was around me.” Draive said, looking forward.
“Oh… Um. Sorry?” Chris asked as he turned a shade of red.
“It’s fine. Thanks though.” She said glancing at him with a smile.
The last bell wrung and just a minute after they walked into Mrs. Francis’s class.
“Ola senior. Seniorita.” She called as they headed for there seats.
“Ola Mrs. Franci.” Draive said. Chris nodded as he sat down beside her.
The hour went by fast and Draive headed down the hall to gym. This wasn’t going to be good.
She changed, lingering in the locker room. When she thought the coach had come out she opened the door. Immediately she was pushed against the wall. A hand was pushed against her throat as Jez stepped up to meet her. He let go of her neck and leaned against the wall.
“You know you want me.” He whispered into her ear.
“Go to hell!” she said shoving him away. He came back, gripping her chin, and kissed her. His lip eventually broke open and a slow trickle of blood ran down her chin.
Draive tried as she might to get his grimy mitts off her but her hands kept fumbling. There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn't seem to hear, and then eh was pulled away. Draive slid down the wall. She looked up to find the coach and Trey hovering above them.
“So she was telling the truth.” The coach grumbled as he looked down on Jez.
“Ya. Why would a girl lie about being harassed?” Trey asked.
“I have no idea. Get to the office.” Coach said, scatting Jez away.
“You know you’ll come to me. In do time.” He said taking slow, backward steps towards the big gym doors.
“No. And you know it you horny ass dog!” She called after him , as she wiped the blood from her chin.
The hour went by a lot faster than she expected, but by the beginning of the third hour she was called down to the office.
……………………..
As she shut the door behind her Dravie noticed no other student was there. What had she done this time? She sat down. The principle looked up. “Your mother wanted me to give you a message. She said not to go to your house just yet, but by tomorrow your father will be gone.” She looked up from the note card.
“Okay. Got it. May I go now?” Draive asked.
“Yes.” The principle answered.
Draive went out and the rest passed by like a blur. As usual lunch was the last thing of the day. She tossed her tray onto the table, splashing lettuce on to another tray. She looked up and found Chi studying her.
“What?” She asked.
“I’m trying to figure out if you would be able to help me with Spanish. I’m a bit lost.” He said looking back, more clearly at her.
“Ya. I can help you. You know what? You give me a ride and it won’t cost you a thing.” She said.
“Ya. Sounds like a deal.” He agreed.
Chris followed behind Draive as they went out to the lockers. In the hall Jess ran up to her and squeaked out something. “Draive? I just found this hot guy. Wish me luck.” Ad she scurried off.
“She got over her moping? Good.” She said out loud, as she reached her locker. She opened it and grabbed her book bag. Chris stood there, bag in hand, waiting.
“Let’s go.” She said, now following him.
(Sorry not he best I've written. I have to admit.)
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
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Okay, I really like this! Those are all the mistakes I found. I really like this and want to read more! Please PM if you need any reviewing or help and...WHEN YOU POST CHAPTER 7! I really like this! Haha!
Krisy
Yeah, I don't see how it's like Twilight...
More believeable.
Anyway, there were typos but Sela got the ones I saw.
Okay, about the principal giving her the message from her mom... Eh, it's not very believeable. The school would do something about that. Maybe have Mrs. M give her the message.
Well I like where the story is going! I can't wait to read more. Keep me posted
~Rachael
I am about to go to the editing but how is it like Twilight?
Still way too much like Twilight, definitely. Try to think of your own storyline, not one you read in a book that, even with the interesting storyline, was certainly not that well written.
I would suggest dumping the story and starting afresh; it's just too cliche to be all that exciting.
However, I will help by editing a few parts that caught my eye:
I emboldened the parts that I fixed.
Also, I suggest you stop putting 'ya' at the beginning of so much of your dialogue. If you have to use it that much, at least spell it correctly: 'Yeah'.
(Oh, and I believe it is 'hola' not 'ola'.)
What do you mean, 'eventually broke open'? How does that make sense, exactly?
That kind of detracts from the tension, to say 'a few seconds or so'. It sounds like your talking about something you don't really find interesting, and that bores the reader. Try it more like this:
'There was a low rumble of speech that Jez didn't seem to hear, and then eh was pulled away, Draive sliding to the floor as she took in what was going on.'
Or something of that sort. ^^
I think you mean 'wiped', not whipped. And it would sound better like this: 'she called after him, wiping the blood from her chin.'
There were a few more mistakes, but other people will probably find those.
Now, to the plot.
As I said before, it really seems too much like Twilight. Trust me, I just read the book, and it is a lot like that book. Now, my suggestion would be to scrap this, and begin with an idea of your own. I'm only saying so because I can see your talent, and I know you can do better than copy someone else's story. Other than that, I can only wish you good luck, whatever you do. ^^
-Sela
Very good story line. I think it was as excellent as the other ones that you have posted. This was a great chapter!
Hey Amber!
I shortened your line breaks. Don't make them so long, or it stretched out the front page funny. Thanks!